The Cheese and Onion Zoo

The Cheese and Onion Zoo has stood in Cobbleditch since 1973, though the work began long before the gates were put up. It was founded to contain what could not be left loose: animals brought about by accident or spell, objects that behave in ways too dangerous or unpredictable for daily life, and living things that defy ordinary explanation.
The zoo is not a curiosity. It is a safeguard. Without it, Cobbleditch and far beyond would be at risk of creatures and items no one is prepared to deal with. Sausage serpents in the drains, goats that vanish mid-milking, enchanted objects that shift in the night — these are not stories, they are the reasons the zoo must exist.
It is supported by the village through donations, a small council fund, and the quiet help of benefactors who choose to remain unnamed. The work is demanding, but the community finds a way. Around 42 staff keep things running across six departments: Dangerous Animals, Small and Peculiar, Enchanted Livestock, Misplaced Objects, Food-Based Beasts, and General Maintenance. Volunteers join them, often staying longer than they ever planned.
The zoo answers officially to the Cobbleditch Safety Board. In practice, oversight from outside has always been rare. This is not neglect but recognition. No one else has the knowledge or experience to manage what is kept here. Cobbleditch does.
Until recently, very little about the zoo left the village. That was deliberate. Not because there was anything to hide, but because outside interference would only make the work harder and less safe. Everyday folk, faced with things they cannot explain, might panic or resist. The people of Cobbleditch have kept quiet out of responsibility, not secrecy.
What must be understood is this: everything will be fine, if the work is left to continue. Cobbleditch knows what it is doing. The zoo is not just important — it is essential. It exists so the rest of the world can carry on without ever needing to worry about what waits behind its gates.

There’s been a lot of confusion about this book. Is it a story? A memoir? A guide? In truth, it’s a list. In fact, it’s many lists, stacked on top of other lists, spilling into side lists, footnote lists, and lists that pretend not to be lists but still are. Early reviewers tried to call it a narrative, but they gave up halfway through and simply wrote a list of complaints. The librarians filed it under “miscellaneous lists.” The publishers shrugged and created a new category: “Book of Lists (Too Many).”
Inside you’ll find lists of things that never existed, lists of items best left unlisted, and lists that argue with other lists. There are long lists, short lists, broken lists, and at least one list that refuses to end.
This isn’t just a book with lists. This is a book that is lists. And by the end, you’ll be making a list of reasons you read it at all.

Cheese and Onion Zoo Library

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section I: Parodied Magic Manuals (001–050)
The Royal Road to Slightly Wrong Card Tricks — by Charley Cardfumble

Expert at the Table Edge — by Johns Kravens Badger Strong Magic, Weak Tea — by Fat Brian
Our Magic? Not Anymore — by B. & W. Miserables Greater Magic But With Smaller Props — by Mortimer the Miniature

The Amateur Magician’s Disaster — by Clumsy Alan
Stars of Magic Mushrooms — by Aunt Clacket
The Book of Astonishment, Mild Version — by Stanley Shrug Card College Dropout — by Professor Nope
Classic Magic of Fat Brian — by Fat Brian (self-published) Expert at the Car Boot Sale — by Bargain Barry
The Trick Brain Freeze — by Coldfoot Colin
The Marked Deckchair — by Sandy Shuffle
The Dai Vernon Book of Forgotten Memories — as remembered by Dai’s Cousin Clive
Modern Coin Magic That Rattles — by Penny Jingle Annemann’s Practical Mental Fatigue — by Ted Annoyman Tarbell Course in Laundry Magic — by Miss Pottle
Expert Card Technique for Left Feet — by Nigel Wrongshoe The Phoenix Too Often Rises — by Crispin Thrice-Burned Magic and Showmanship: The Complete Lecture on Manners — by Dame Etiquette
The Book of Secrets Left on the Bus — anonymous, found copy
Encyclopedia of Dove Mishaps — by Dr. Feathers McGraw The Art of Astonishment, Cobbleditch Edition — by Joy Rider
Coin Magic: Now With Buttons — by Button Brian
Magic and Showmanship, But Louder — by Harold Shoutworthy
Cardshark at the Village Fair — by Dodgy Derek

)Sleight of Ham — by Linda McCartney (posthumously misquoted)
Routined Manipulations, But In The Wrong Order — by Jumbled Jim

Greater Card Tricks, Lesser Outcomes — by Professor Apology
Strong Magic, Weak Biscuits — by Fat Brian (again) Stars of Tragic Magic — by Obit O’Theatre

Conjuring for Beginners Who Shouldn’t — by Warning Label Press
The Magic of Fat Brian’s Left Pocket — by Fat Brian (with crumbs)

Thirteen Steps to Falling Over — by Coroner’s Report
The Magic of Not Quite Houdini — by Henry “Close Enough” Houndini
Illusion Systems for Very Small Rooms — by Tiny Tony
The Card Manipulator’s Handbook of Sweaty Palms — by Clammy Sam
Magic with Everyday Vegetables — by Farmer Giles Close-Up Magic at Inappropriate Distances — by Creepy Keith
The Book of Dangerous Tables — by Cobbleditch Health & Safety Council
Practical Mentalism, Mostly About Soup — by The Soup Prophet
The Encyclopaedia of Rope Knots That Undo Themselves — by Slipknot Steve
Classic Conjuring Mistakes — by Colin “Oops” Masters Self-Working Card Tricks That Don’t — by No-Skill Neville The Cups and Saucers Routine — by Teapot Terry
Card College, Volume Zero — by Remedial Ron
The Egg Bag But With Potatoes — by Spud McGraw
Expert at the Crayon Box — by Miss Pottle’s Year 2 Class Magic with Matches, Lawsuits Included — by Ignatius Burnwell
The Book of Astonishment: Cobbleditch Annotated Edition — by Fat Brian (margins only

One shelf in the west wing has been “temporarily under repair” since 1874.

Invisibility for Dummies (Now Slightly More Visible) — by See-More Smith
Levitation for Beginners Who Can’t Get Up — by Hoverin’ Howard Transfiguration and Other Furniture Mistakes — by Aunt Clacket Pyromancy for Cold Days — by Ignatius Warmthumb

Summoning Spells That Only Bring Sandwiches — by Fat Brian The Complete Book of Misfires — by Crispin the Careless
How to Grow a Dragon by Accident — by Mrs Pottle
Hexes That Backfire Immediately — by Johns Kravens Badger The Illustrated Guide to Exploding Teapots — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth

Teleportation Without Socks — by Nigel Oddfoot
Accidental Animal Transformations — by Farmer Giles
The Encyclopedia of Half-Spells — by Professor Halfway Harold
A Beginner’s Guide to Flaming Eyebrows — by Derek the Singed Spells for Doors That Won’t Stay Shut — by Cobbleditch Locksmiths Guild
When Charms Go Chunky — by Doris Soupmaster
Illusions That Only Work on Tuesdays — by Tim “Wrongday” Cobbles
The Book of Self-Undoing Spells — by Unravelling Ursula
How to Curse Yourself Accidentally — by Barry With The Shoe Candle Spells for the Permanently Smoky — by Aunt Clacket
A Compendium of Flying Brooms That Refuse to Land — by Johns Kravens Badger
Potions That Smell of Onions Forever — by Mrs Pottle

The Wandering Wardrobe: A Tragedy in Three Drawers — by The Cobbleditch Tailor
When Levitation Goes Sideways — by Leaning Leonard
Spells You Shouldn’t Try While Sneezing — by Hayfever Harold The Book of Infinite Socks — by Fat Brian (illustrated edition) Alchemy for the Easily Distracted — by Forgetful Freddie Reanimation for Vegetables Only — by Farmer Giles

Charms That Attract Bees — by Honeycomb Helen
Banishing Spells That Just Relocate Things to Your Shed — by Shedrick McGraw
Conjuring with Cold Custard — by Aunt Clacket
The Dangerous Guide to Exploding Bananas — by Crispin the Careless
Hexes That Whisper Rude Words — by Naughty Norman Summoning the Wrong Relatives — by Cousin Mavis
The Index of Vanishing Hats — by Cobbleditch Haberdashers Mispronounced Spells and the Trouble They Cause — by Johns Kravens Badger
Flying Carpets With Altitude Problems — by Rugsy Roland
Potions That Reverse Your Birthday — by Dr. Chronos Tick
The Big Book of Little Explosions — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth Spells That Only Work on Cows — by Farmer Giles
The Curse of Never Ending Soup — by The Soup Prophet
How to Animate a Chair (And Then Regret It) — by Sitwell Jenkins Wardrobe Portals for Beginners — by Cobbleditch Tailors
When Love Potions Go Sour — by Doris Soupmaster
A Guide to Talking Mushrooms — by Aunt Clacket
Spells That Just Make Things Slightly Warmer — by Nigel Tepid How to Explode a Biscuit Tin Safely — by Fat Brian
Summoning Ducks by Mistake — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Half-Spell Handbook, Volume II — by Professor Halfway Harold Unhelpful Hexes for Household Use — by Mrs Pottle
The Encyclopaedia of Wand Breakages — by Snappy Simon

The library’s broom was promoted to Assistant Archivist in 1992 and still holds the post.

The Day I Summoned Myself — by Forgetful Freddie
From Farmer to Ferret Charmer — by Farmer Giles
Tea, Toast, and Tragedy — by Mrs Pottle
The Diary of a Talking Hedgehog — by Sir Prickleton
A Life in Spoons — by Shedrick McGraw
Confessions of a Candle Collector — by Ignatius Burnwell
The Girl Who Thought She Was a Broom — by Beryl Sweep
Notes from the Cobbleditch Choir Loft — by Harold Shoutworthy Seven Decades in the Wrong Hat — by Dodgy Derek

Potatoes and Power: A Life in Root Vegetables — by Spud McGraw My Years as a Temporary Dragon — by Derek the Singed
The Very Long Life of Mortimer the Miniature — by Mortimer the Miniature

I Was Nearly Houdini — by Henry “Close Enough” Houndini An Honest Wizard (Mostly) — by Honest Ed
The Postman Always Brings Hexes — by Percy Post Memoirs of a Magic Librarian — by Dame Etiquette

A Stagehand’s Guide to Applause — by Nigel Wrongshoe How I Lost the Phoenix (Twice) — by Crispin Thrice-Burned The Tragicomic Tale of Obit O’Theatre — by Obit O’Theatre Living with Living Furniture — by Sitwell Jenkins

The Life of a Wandering Wardrobe — by Cobbleditch Tailor
My Brief Career as a Pigeon — by Stanley Shrug
The Joy of Hex — by Naughty Norman
A Biography of a Biscuit — by Fat Brian (co-written with Custard) The Accidental Cat Collector — by Doris Soupmaster

I Only Wanted To Be Normal — by Clammy Sam
The Wobbly Ladder Years — by Aunt Clacket
Chronicles of a Cheese Enthusiast — by Button Brian
Life at the Cobbleditch Parish Council — by Colin “Oops” Masters Wands, Wigs, and Worries — by Spud McGraw

The Day My Socks Rebelled — by Nigel Oddfoot
Growing Old Magically (and Reluctantly) — by Dame Etiquette
The Shoe That Wouldn’t Stop Talking — by Barry With The Shoe Confessions of a Spell Test Dummy — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth One Hedgehog, Two Lives — by Sir Prickleton

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section III: Wizard Biographies & Memoirs (101–150)
My Life as a Wand — by Ptrick the Forgetful
Half a Wizard, Twice the Trouble — by Professor Halfway Harold Memoirs of a Misfired Magician — by Crispin the Careless

I Meant to Do That: An Autobiography — by Johns Kravens Badger Confessions of a Soup Prophet — by The Soup Prophet
The Nine Lives of Aunt Clacket — by Aunt Clacket (dictated to her cat)

How I Accidentally Became a Badger — by Gerald Furlong
The Biscuit Years — by Fat Brian
Behind the Curtain: A Cobbleditch Stagehand’s Tale — by Stanley Shrug
Memoirs of a Wand Repairman — by Snappy Simon
Growing Up Magical in Cobbleditch — by Doris Soupmaster
The Button Collector’s Journal — by Barry With The Shoe
Spells I Shouldn’t Have Tried — by Leaning Leonard
My Journey from Wizard to Locksmith — by Nigel Oddfoot
Life and Times of a Reluctant Witch — by Cousin Mavis

The reference section contains three books that refuse to be opened on a Sunday.

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section IV: Cookery, Potions & Culinary Magic (151–200)
How to Burn Toast Without Setting Fire to the Universe — by Fat Brian

The Potion Pantry Handbook — by Doris Soupmaster Cauldrons and Cabbages: A Love Story — by Farmer Giles Stew for Six, or Possibly Sixty — by Aunt Clacket
The Encyclopedia of Exploding Soups — by The Soup Prophet Alchemy in Aprons — by Dame Etiquette

The Biscuit Grimoire — by Fat Brian
Cooking with Custard That Won’t Behave — by Mrs Pottle
Magical Mealtimes for Misfits — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Dragon’s Cookbook (Mostly Barbecue) — by Derek the Singed Pickling with Potency — by Doris Soupmaster
How to Bake Bread While Invisible — by Nigel Oddfoot
Conjuring with Carrots — by Spud McGraw
Cheese-Based Ceremonies and How to Host Them — by Button Brian
Forbidden Recipes of the Ferret Guild — by Crispin the Careless The Joy of Jelly That Fights Back — by Aunt Clacket
Cooking by Candlelight (Accidentally on Fire) — by Ignatius Burnwell
A Beginner’s Guide to Haunted Porridge — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
Magical Muffins for Every Moon Phase — by Doris Soupmaster How to Stir Anti-Clockwise Without Crying — by Johns Kravens Badger
Bubbling Cauldrons: The Musical — by Harold Shoutworthy
The Cookbook of Vanishing Ingredients — by Forgetful Freddie The Biscuit Tin Compendium — by Fat Brian (illustrated)
Cooking with Curses — by Naughty Norman
The Art of Brewing Butterbeer at the Wrong Time — by Crispin Thrice-Burned
Magical Meals for Talking Furniture — by Sitwell Jenkins

The Curry of Eternal Regret — by Nigel Wrongshoe
How to Roast a Potato Without Hurting Its Feelings — by Spud McGraw
Potions that Taste Like Pudding — by Doris Soupmaster
The 1001 Uses of Onion Gravy — by Mrs Pottle
Cooking with Spells That Backfire — by Johns Kravens Badger
A Guide to Singing Saucepans — by Aunt Clacket
The Pickled Phoenix Feathers Cookbook — by Crispin the Careless The Biscuit Rituals of Cobbleditch — by Fat Brian
Recipes from the Cobbleditch Choir Kitchen — by Harold Shoutworthy
Cauldron Mishaps and How to Salvage Them — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
Tea Time With Talking Teapots — by Dame Etiquette
Soups That Summon Spirits — by The Soup Prophet
Aunt Clacket’s Guide to Cake That Floats — by Aunt Clacket Fermented Fables and Pickled Legends — by Farmer Giles
The Dangerous Cookbook of Cheese — by Button Brian
Meals You Can Eat Twice (Literally) — by Doris Soupmaster Banquets for Beasts and Other Dinner Guests — by Johns Kravens Badger
Potion Pairings with Biscuits — by Fat Brian
Cooking While Hexed — by Cousin Mavis
The Complete Collection of Cursed Cutlery Recipes — by Nigel Oddfoot
Soup You Can Applaud — by The Soup Prophet
From Turnip to Triumph: A Root Vegetable Cookbook — by Spud McGraw
Magical Picnics for Rainy Days — by Mrs Pottle
How to Make Toast Laugh — by Aunt Clacket

Every Wednesday at 3pm, the library’s clock chimes the theme from Murder, She Wrote.

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section V: Folklore & Local Legends (201–250)
The Mermaid’s Cookbook (Stop Drowning, Start Delighting) — by Siren Sally
Legends of the Cobbleditch Goose — by Johns Kravens Badger The Hedgehog Who Spoke in Riddles — by Aunt Clacket
Tales from the Mermaid’s Armpit Pub — by Fat Brian
The Ghost of the Cobbleditch Bus Stop — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Ballad of Button Brian — by Doris Soupmaster
The Cobbleditch Book of Odd Weather Omens — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Festival of Singing Spoons — by Dame Etiquette
Legends of the Whispering Trees — by Farmer Giles
The Tragedy of the Weeping Teapot — by Mrs Pottle
The Folktales of the Cobbleditch River — by Harold Shoutworthy The Tale of the Goose That Ate the Moon — by Naughty Norman Cobbleditch Myths Retold in Biscuits — by Fat Brian
The Old Songs of Cobbleditch Choir — by Johns Kravens Badger The Legend of the Wandering Wardrobe — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Curse of the Cobbleditch Button Mine — by Barry With The Shoe
The Witch Who Loved Soup Too Much — by The Soup Prophet Legends of the Singing Hedgehog — by Sir Prickleton Cobbleditch Tales for Sleepy Nights — by Aunt Clacket
The Curious Case of the Invisible Cat — by Nigel Wrongshoe
The Haunted Spinning Wheel of Cobbleditch — by Doris Soupmaster
The Strange Festivals of Fat Brian — by Fat Brian (ghostwritten by Custard)
Tales of the Cobbleditch Mill — by Farmer Giles

The Legend of the Sighing Door — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth Songs of the Cobbleditch Sea Shanty Club — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Midnight Procession of Shoes — by Barry With The Shoe The Folklore of Cheese Ceremonies — by Button Brian

The Tale of the Goose That Refused to Leave — by Cousin Mavis The Cobbleditch Almanac of Odd Portents — by Dame Etiquette Legends of the Teacup That Told Tales — by Mrs Pottle
The Strange Story of the Soup That Spoke — by The Soup Prophet

Ballads of the Cobbleditch Market — by Harold Shoutworthy The Wandering Cat of Cobbleditch Churchyard — by Aunt Clacket
The Goose that Married a Wizard — by Johns Kravens Badger The Legend of the Candle That Burned Cold — by Ignatius Burnwell

The Tale of the Singing Scarecrow — by Farmer Giles
Folklore of the Cobbleditch Riverbank — by Doris Soupmaster The Button That Wouldn’t Stop Rolling — by Barry With The Shoe Legends of Cobbleditch Ghosts and Ghouls — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Mysterious Murmuring Mushroom — by Aunt Clacket
The Tale of the Hedgehog That Cursed the Mayor — by Sir Prickleton
The Ballads of Cobbleditch Miners — by Johns Kravens Badger The Goose and the Spinning Top — by Cousin Mavis
The Festival of Lanterns That Walked Away — by Nigel Oddfoot The Legend of the Soup That Sang — by The Soup Prophet Folktales of the Cobbleditch Tailors — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Biscuit Legends of Cobbleditch — by Fat Brian
The Goose that Flew Backwards — by Doris Soupmaster
Legends of Cobbleditch Nights — by Dame Etiquette
The Tale of the Talking Root Vegetables — by Spud McGraw

No one has ever successfully borrowed The History of Buttons, Vol. 12 — it always checks itself back in.

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section VI: Things That Shouldn’t Exist (251–300)
Thomas the Tank Engine Eats a Goose — by Rev. W. Audry (heavily altered copy)

The Very Hungry Badger — by Cobbleditch Primary School Where’s Wally’s Wand? — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Chronicles of Custard the Biscuit — by Fat Brian
The Tale of Peter Rabbit and the Chainsaw — by Aunt Clacket The Day the Buttons Went on Strike — by Barry With The Shoe Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Loaf — by Doris Soupmaster The Goose That Played Monopoly — by Johns Kravens Badger Spot the Dog Summons Satan — by Naughty Norman Winnie-the-Pooh and the Haunted Honey Pot — by Mrs Pottle The Cat in the Hat Does Taxes — by Sitwell Jenkins

The Famous Five and the Biscuit Tin of Doom — by Fat Brian Postman Pat and the Wandering Wardrobe — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
Mr Men and the Curse of Mr Grumpy — by Dame Etiquette Paddington Bear Steals a Cauldron — by Harold Shoutworthy The Goose That Wrote Shakespeare — by Cousin Mavis

Noddy and the Night of Screaming Spoons — by Aunt Clacket
The Magic Porridge Pot Refuses to Stop Again — by Doris Soupmaster
Beatrix Potter’s Lost Guide to Root Vegetables — by Spud McGraw

The Three Little Pigs and the Legal Dispute — by Nigel Wrongshoe The Goose That Ate the Library Card — by Johns Kravens Badger Thomas the Tank Engine Runs for Mayor — by Cobbleditch Council The Wizard of Odd (Cobbleditch Edition) — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth

Charlie and the Biscuit Factory — by Fat Brian
Little Red Riding Goose — by Dame Etiquette
Cinderella and the Talking Mop — by Mrs Pottle
The Hobbit Who Forgot the Plot — by Nigel Oddfoot
Jack and the Beanstalk That Sued Him — by Farmer Giles
The Goose Who Swallowed the Moon (Unabridged) — by Johns Kravens Badger

The Cobbleditch Nursery Rhymes (With Footnotes) — by Aunt Clacket
Alice in Cobbleditch — by Doris Soupmaster
The Goose That Became Prime Minister — by Naughty Norman Rupert Bear and the Biscuit Uprising — by Fat Brian

Matilda Lifts a Tractor — by Cobbleditch School Copy
Goose vs Godzilla — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Tiger Who Came to Cobbleditch Tea — by Dame Etiquette Percy the Park Keeper and the Haunted Hedgehog — by Sir Prickleton
The Goose in Narnia — by Johns Kravens Badger
Enid Blyton’s Lost Book of Buttons — by Barry With The Shoe
The Magic Faraway Biscuit Tin — by Fat Brian
The Goose in the Hat — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Secret Diary of a Soup Spoon — by The Soup Prophet
Horrid Henry and the Haunted Cauldron — by Aunt Clacket
The Goose That Solved Crimes — by Nigel Wrongshoe
Puff the Magic Goose — by Harold Shoutworthy
The Goose and the Philosopher’s Stone — by Johns Kravens Badger The Complete Works of the Biscuit Theatre — by Fat Brian
The Goose That Went to Hollywood — by Doris Soupmaster
The Goose Ate My Homework — by Cobbleditch School Library
The Neverending Goose — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth

The carpet in the reading room is technically a very flat hedgehog.

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section VII: Practical Guides (301– 350)
How to Apologise to a Talking Lamppost — by Dame Etiquette
The Cobbleditch Handbook of Biscuit Diplomacy — by Fat Brian The Beginner’s Guide to Goose Avoidance — by Johns Kravens Badger

Proper Conduct During Cheese-Based Ceremonies — by Button Brian
A Short Guide to Arguing With Furniture — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Cobbleditch Travel Guide (Only Maps Cobbleditch) — by Nigel Oddfoot

Wand Safety for Clumsy Wizards — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth The Etiquette of Soup Applause — by The Soup Prophet
Aunt Clacket’s Guide to Being Polite to Mushrooms — by Aunt Clacket

The Cobbleditch Parish Council Rulebook (Scribbled Edition) — by Cobbleditch Clerk
Caring for Your Haunted Wardrobe — by Mrs Pottle
The Do’s and Don’ts of Biscuit Storage — by Fat Brian

How to Recognise a Cursed Potato — by Spud McGraw
A Cobbleditch Guide to Public Humming — by Harold Shoutworthy The Goose-Proofing Manual for Households — by Nigel Wrongshoe How to Host a Talking Hedgehog — by Sir Prickleton
The Cobbleditch Guide to Complimenting Moustaches — by Dame Etiquette
Emergency Etiquette for Teleports — by Johns Kravens Badger The Pocket Guide to Surviving Biscuit Ceremonies — by Fat Brian How to Spot a Rogue Spoon — by The Soup Prophet
The Cobbleditch Handbook of Public Announcements — by Nigel Oddfoot

The Little Red Book of Goose-Based Games — by Cousin Mavis Correct Address for Magical Cats — by Aunt Clacket
The Cobbleditch Code of Whispers — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth Guidelines for Laughing at Statues — by Dame Etiquette

Fat Brian’s Biscuit Law — by Fat Brian (self-published)
The Cobbleditch Guide to Chair-Sitting Etiquette — by Sitwell Jenkins
Rules for Sharing Biscuits with Badgers — by Johns Kravens Badger An Illustrated Guide to Goose-Free Gardens — by Farmer Giles How to Report a Haunted Spatula — by Mrs Pottle
Public Safety During Soup-Based Crimes — by The Soup Prophet The Cobbleditch Weather Appreciation Handbook — by Cobbleditch Weather Guild
Etiquette of Applauding Cheese — by Button Brian
The Beginner’s Guide to Avoiding Fork Duels — by Dame Etiquette A Cobbleditch Guide to Talking To Ghosts — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
Rules of Goose Engagement — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Biscuit Exchange Rates Manual — by Fat Brian
Safety Around Singing Curtains — by Mrs Pottle
The Cobbleditch Handbook of Sneezing Etiquette — by Aunt Clacket
The Do’s and Don’ts of Sitting in Trees — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Parish Council’s Guide to Charging Rent to Squirrels — by Cobbleditch Council
The Goose Question Protocol — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Etiquette of Playing “What’s That Smell?” — by Dame Etiquette The Cobbleditch Handbook of Biscuit Offerings — by Fat Brian How to Politely Decline a Singing Lamp — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Goose Emergency Handbook — by Nigel Wrongshoe
Aunt Clacket’s Guide to Returning Socks in Soup — by Aunt Clacket The Cobbleditch Book of Public Humming Harmonies — by Harold Shoutworthy
Goose Day: Rules and Rituals — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Biscuit Birthday Regulations (Every 6 Days) — by Fat Brian

At least three dictionaries contain the word “spoonboggle.”

The Encyclopedia of Goose Ghosts — by Johns Kravens Badger The Index of Haunted Bus Tickets — by Doris Soupmaster
The Folio of Faint Laughter at Midnight — by Dame Etiquette The Dictionary of Vanished Socks — by Aunt Clacket

The Library Catalogue That Argues — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Ghost Story of a Book About Ghost Stories — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Sighing Guide to Cobbleditch — by Nigel Wrongshoe
The Quill That Writes Only Eulogies — by Mrs Pottle
The Recipe Book of the Dead (Mostly Soup) — by The Soup Prophet The Biography of a Ghost Who Won’t Leave — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Manual of Haunted Teapots — by Doris Soupmaster
The Enchanted Ledger of Lost Souls — by Cobbleditch Parish Clerk The Book of Doors That Refuse to Close — by Johns Kravens Badger The Dictionary of Screaming Dust — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Scroll of Goose Murmurs — by Cousin Mavis
The Moaning Book of Soup Ingredients — by The Soup Prophet
The Frowning Folio of Forgotten Festivals — by Dame Etiquette
The Haunted Encyclopedia of Lamps — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Journal of the Goose That Never Died — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Howling Almanac of Cobbleditch Nights — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Manual of Shadows That Won’t Behave — by Aunt Clacket
The Complete Works of the Invisible Librarian — by Harold Shoutworthy

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section VIII: Haunted & Mysterious Tomes (351–400)
The Book That Reads You Back — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Complete Guide to Vanishing Mid-Sentence — by Dame Etiquette

The Codex of Endless Groaning — by Johns Kravens Badger The Haunted Bookmark Almanac — by Aunt Clacket
The Volume of Weeping Footnotes — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Diary That Screams When Opened — by Doris Soupmaster The Whispering Index of Cobbleditch — by Mrs Pottle

The Tome of Sudden Drafts — by Cousin Mavis
The Encyclopedia of Doors That Breathe — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Unreadable Cookbook (Every Page a Curse) — by The Soup Prophet
The Journal of Invisible Ink (You Can Still Hear It) — by Harold Shoutworthy
The Spelling Manual of the Damned (Misprints Included) — by Nigel Wrongshoe
The Screaming Scroll of Cobbleditch — by Johns Kravens Badger The Notebook That Refuses Silence — by Aunt Clacket
The Dictionary of Forgotten Words (They Bite) — by Dame Etiquette The Almanac of Shifting Dates — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Compendium of Soup Crimes — by The Soup Prophet
The Fanged Atlas of Cobbleditch — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Manual of Haunted Wardrobes — by Mrs Pottle
The Scroll That Moans About Weather — by Johns Kravens Badger The Ghostly Gazette of Cobbleditch — by Doris Soupmaster
The Biography of a Dead Hedgehog (Unauthorized) — by Sir Prickleton
The Shrieking Almanac of Fat Brian’s Birthdays — by Fat Brian
The Wandering Bible of Buttons — by Barry With The Shoe
The Candle-Lit Guide to Darkness — by Ignatius Burnwell
The Lexicon of Moaning Lamps — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Cookbook That Cooks Back — by Aunt Clacket
The Manual of Singing Shadows — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth

The library cat can read but refuses to join the book club.

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section IX: Children’s Magical Stories (401–450)
The Princess Who Turned Her Spinning Wheel into Jam — by Aunt Clacket

The Goose Who Went to School and Failed Maths — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Hedgehog Who Wanted Shoes — by Sir Prickleton
The Wizard’s Cat Who Hated Wands — by Doris Soupmaster The Biscuit That Ran Away and Won — by Fat Brian

The Boy Who Sneezed Lightning — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth The Girl Who Found a Talking Kettle — by Mrs Pottle
The Goblin Who Painted the Sky Green — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Goose That Wouldn’t Sleep — by Cousin Mavis

The Fairy Who Forgot Her Job — by Dame Etiquette
The Rabbit Who Learned to Tap Dance — by Cobbleditch Primary School
The Child Who Traded Their Shadow for Soup — by The Soup Prophet
The Bear Who Collected Buttons — by Barry With The Shoe
The Mouse Who Laughed Too Loudly — by Nigel Wrongshoe
The Frog Who Became Mayor — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Baby Who Could Only Speak Latin — by Aunt Clacket
The Goose Who Stole Christmas — by Doris Soupmaster
The Hedgehog Who Wanted to Fly — by Sir Prickleton
The Girl Who Lost Her Giggle in Cobbleditch — by Dame Etiquette The Boy Who Found a Haunted Sandwich — by Harold Shoutworthy The Cat Who Danced With Shadows — by Mrs Pottle
The Goose and the 100 Biscuits — by Fat Brian
The Witch’s Apprentice Who Forgot Everything — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Talking Tree That Told Terrible Jokes — by Cousin Mavis
The Dog Who Collected Hats — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Girl Who Turned Into a Chair (Briefly) — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Goose Who Played the Trumpet — by Johns Kravens Badger The Little Lamp Who Saved the Day — by Dame Etiquette
The Hedgehog Who Hid the Moon — by Sir Prickleton
The Boy Who Woke Up a Haunted Cupboard — by Aunt Clacket
The Goose Who Wanted to Be a Dragon — by Doris Soupmaster
The Child Who Befriended a Soup Spoon — by The Soup Prophet The Cat Who Rode a Bicycle — by Nigel Wrongshoe
The Girl Who Painted Raindrops — by Mrs Pottle
The Goose Who Knew Too Much — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Hedgehog Who Wanted Ice Cream — by Sir Prickleton
The Boy Who Fell Into a Teapot — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Girl Who Laughed at Statues — by Dame Etiquette
The Goose Who Wouldn’t Leave the Library — by Aunt Clacket
The Mouse Who Borrowed the Sun — by Cobbleditch Schoolchildren
The Witch’s Hat That Ran Away — by Cousin Mavis
The Goose and the Talking Biscuit Tin — by Fat Brian
The Girl Who Collected Shadows in a Jar — by Doris Soupmaster The Boy Who Played Chess With a Hedgehog — by Sir Prickleton The Goose Who Tried Ballet — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Girl Who Found the Singing Sock — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Rabbit Who Told Terrible Stories — by Aunt Clacket
The Goose Who Wanted to be Prime Minister — by Harold Shoutworthy
The Hedgehog Who Argued With the Wind — by Sir Prickleton
The Girl Who Taught a Lamp to Sing — by Mrs Pottle

The “quiet corner” is the loudest part of the building.

Cobbleditch Library Catalogue – Section X: Wizarding Puzzles & Circus Manuals (451–500)
Juggling With Jinxes (Don’t Drop the Wizard) — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth

The Puzzle Book of Moving Mazes — by Aunt Clacket
The Cobbleditch Guide to Exploding Crosswords — by Nigel Oddfoot
How to Tame a Mischievous Unicycle — by Johns Kravens Badger The Encyclopedia of Haunted Puzzles — by Doris Soupmaster
The Manual of Biscuit-Based Riddles — by Fat Brian
Circus Safety: How Not to Be Eaten by a Lion That’s Actually Soup — by The Soup Prophet
The Jigsaw That Rearranges Itself — by Cousin Mavis
The Ringmaster’s Guide to Arguing With Goats — by Sir Prickleton The Cobbleditch Handbook of Vanishing Acts (And Vanishing Pants) — by Harold Shoutworthy
The Book of Endless Mazes — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Wand Juggler’s Companion — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Puzzle Cube That Screams — by Nigel Wrongshoe
How to Train a Goose to Tightrope Walk — by Johns Kravens Badger The Almanac of Talking Dice — by Dame Etiquette
The Book of Haunted Riddles — by Doris Soupmaster
The Circus Elephant Who Wanted a Biscuit — by Fat Brian
The Puzzle Manual of Cobbleditch Council — by Cobbleditch Clerk The Guide to Disappearing Hats — by Aunt Clacket
The Ringmaster’s Diary of Disasters — by Johns Kravens Badger The Puzzle Page That Argues With Readers — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Circus Bear Who Juggled Wizards — by Cousin Mavis
The Compendium of Impossible Mazes — by Nigel Oddfoot
How to Perform Illusions Without Spilling Soup — by The Soup Prophet
The Book of Laughing Clowns (Not Recommended) — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Cobbleditch Juggler’s Almanac — by Sir Prickleton
The Puzzle That Won’t Stay Solved — by Doris Soupmaster
The Guide to Goose-Based Acrobatics — by Johns Kravens Badger The Manual of Vanishing Shoes — by Aunt Clacket
The Circus Tent That Complains About Weather — by Nigel Oddfoot The Puzzle of the Endless Biscuit Tin — by Fat Brian
The Book of Talking Tightropes — by Cousin Mavis
The Circus Cat Who Stole the Show — by Mrs Pottle
The Puzzle That Solves You — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Almanac of Unhelpful Riddles — by Dame Etiquette
The Circus Manual of Singing Goats — by Johns Kravens Badger The Puzzle Chest of Cobbleditch — by Nigel Wrongshoe
The Juggler Who Lost Count (Forever) — by Sir Prickleton
The Book of Wandering Mazes — by Harold Shoutworthy
The Circus Manual of Sneezing Horses — by Cousin Mavis
The Puzzle Scroll That Won’t Stop Asking Questions — by Sitwell Jenkins
The Ringmaster’s Book of Vanishing Acts — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Puzzle That Laughs When Ignored — by Doris Soupmaster
The Circus Goose Who Wanted a Top Hat — by Aunt Clacket
The Compendium of Biscuit Juggling Records — by Fat Brian
The Puzzle Almanac of Cobbleditch — by Cobbleditch Parish Clerk The Book of Haunted Hula Hoops — by Nigel Oddfoot
The Circus Handbook of Grumpy Lions — by Gerald “Bang” Potsworth
The Puzzle That Turns Into a Goose — by Johns Kravens Badger
The Final Riddle of Cobbleditch (Do Not Open) — by Dame Etiquette

The guestbook contains signatures of people who’ve never visited.

The Apprentice at the Biscuit Jar — by S. W. Erdnose
A crooked handbook of biscuit palming and custard shuffles.

Modern Magic (With Added Turnips) — by Professor Hoffmannn Every illusion involves root vegetables; sawing a beetroot in half is

a highlight.
Mark Bison’s Complete Course in Magic — by Mark Bison

Covers 300 tricks, most ending with a loud bang and burnt eyebrows.
Conjuring With Socks — by James Randy

All vanishings involve mismatched socks and one suspicious washing machine.
Modern Coin Biscuits — by J. B. Bobble

Biscuit sleights explained in painful detail, none of them slimming. Royal Road to Toast Magic — by Hugged & Braue

A breakfast-centric path to wizardry, heavy on butter passes. The Tarbeast Course in Magic — by Harlan Tarbeast

Eight volumes plus an appendix on “vanishing your neighbour’s hat.”
Strong Maaaaagic — by Darwin O’Nando

Focuses on goats as assistants, often against their will. Card Collisions — by Paul Crash

Demonstrates how to perform sleights badly but noisily. Art of Astonishment (Mostly Yawns) — by Paul Harsh

Astonishes tortoises, disappoints audiences.
The Annoyed Magician’s Handbook — by Jean Hugardly

Tricks for when the audience won’t stop talking. Magic for Morons — by Karl Fuldup

Every step ends with the line, “Ask a grown wizard.” The Encyclopaedia of Cups & Spills — by John Mugman Classic cup and ball routines, ruined by leaky crockery.

The Secrets of Cheese Magic — by Al Camembert Explains how to force a brie.

Expert at the Potato Table — by S. W. Erdnose Card sleights re-written with root vegetables.

The Wand Wrangler’s Bible — by Samuel Wobble
A complete course in how not to poke yourself in the eye.

Dai Verpoof’s Book of Coin Noises — by Dai Verpoof Coins don’t vanish, they just moo.

The Miser’s Cream — by T. Nelson Dribble Turning milk into coins, disastrously.

The Illusionist’s Guide to Soap — by Henning Rinse All tricks leave the audience slightly cleaner.

Magic With Biscuits & Dogs — by Paul Danielson Half sleight-of-hand, half snack-training manual.

The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Wand Safety — by Anonymous Features 87 pages of “Don’t Point It There.”

Coin Sleights for Butterfingers — by J. B. Bobble Ends with all coins on the floor, every time.

The Dull Magician’s Almanac — by Borington Clarke Makes even fire appear boring.

The Thumbtip Manual (Revised with Sausages) — by Professor Hoffmannn

Explains how to vanish small frankfurters. Card Tricks for Cats — by Roberto Mewbbi

The cat ignores most of it, but claws are involved.
The Great Book of Vanishing Biscuits — by Aunt Clacket

Spoiler: she ate them.
Magic for Civil Servants — by Sir Nigel Redtape

Every trick requires three forms and a waiting period. The Goblin’s Guide to Rope Magic — by Colin Tangled

Rope knots that only goblins understand.
Coin Conjurings of Cobbleditch — by Bobble & Wobble

Coins vanish into drains, never retrieved. Illusions With Soup — by The Soup Prophet

A magician’s guide to making broth appear on command. Psychological Subtleties (But Mostly Pies) — by Bananachek

Forcing thoughts of custard onto audiences.
The Magician’s Notebook of Complaints — by Old Gerald

Blank pages that fill with gripes during rehearsal. Card School for Donkeys — by Paul Crash

Donkeys shuffle better than most humans, apparently. Advanced Biscuit Palming — by Darwin O’Nando

The biscuit always returns slightly chewed.

Someone once borrowed a book in 1903 and returned it yesterday.

Books 35–68
Magic Without Mirrors — by Harry Anderson’t

Illusions explained entirely with spoons. Coin Magic for Cabbages — by J. B. Bobble

Pennies hidden inside lettuce. Never found again. The Talking Wand’s Autobiography — by Sir Stickly

A 400-page argument in stick form.
Mark Bison’s Beginner’s Biscuit Course — by Mark Bison

Half the tricks end in crumbs.
Expert at the Crumpet Table — by S. W. Erdnose

A crumpet never lies, except when buttered. The Amazing Hat Book — by Professor Topper

Rabbits provided, but resentful.
Royal Road to Biscuit Magic — by Hugged & Braue

Breakfast enchantments, with jam substitutions. Encyclopaedia of Magical Excuses — by John Disastrow

Contains 1,000 ways to say “That wasn’t the trick.” The Miser’s Cream Returns — by T. Nelson Dribble

Still no coins, just sour milk.
Fifty Shades of Sleight — by Greyson T. Deck

Awkwardly intimate card handling.
Magic for Clergymen — by Reverend Wobble

Vanishing wine. Multiplying wafers.
The Curse of the Vanishing Wallet — by Fat Brian

He insists the zoo still owes him.
Levitation for Beginners (With Umbrellas) — by Aunt Clacket

Leads to bruises and hospital visits. Conjuring With Onions — by James Randy

Tears guaranteed at every reveal.
Practical Mentalism (Except It’s Rubbish) — by Theodore Annoid

Wrong guesses with absolute confidence.
The Tarbeast Course, Volume 91⁄2: Juggling Ferrets — by Harlan Tarbeast

Banned by three councils, adored by ferrets. Coin Sleights You Can Smell — by J. B. Bobble Sleights accompanied by suspicious odours.

Rabbit Care During Illusions — by Dr. Bun Ladini How not to terrify the rabbit, but do it anyway.

Fire Eating For Fainting Magicians — by Ignatius Soot A safety manual, mostly screaming.

The Wand Catalogue of Cobbleditch — by Johns Kravens Badger Each wand tested, most snapped.

Pocket Magic For Pigeons — by Roberto Giobirdi Birds learn faster than humans.

The Invisible Book of Invisibility — by Unknown Always checked out, never returned.

The Complete Guide to Misfired Charms — by Colin Tangled Most pages burst into frogs.

Cheese & Onions: The Forbidden Ritual — by Fat Brian Outlawed flavour combination in spellwork.

The Amateur Necromancer’s Picnic Guide — by Lydia Bones Ghost-summoning paired with sausage rolls.

Stage Presence For Donkeys — by Paul Crash “Hee-haw” as applause cue.

The Candle That Won’t Shut Up — by Dribble & Rinse Experimental flame commentary.

Magic With Soup, Volume II: Bisque Edition — by The Soup Prophet Advanced broth vanishings.

The Egg Bag Disaster — by Aunt Clacket Not one egg survived.

Magical Mishaps of Cobbleditch, Vol. 1 — by Old Gerald A catalogue of local embarrassments.

The Thumbtip Treasury (Now With Sausages) — by Professor Hoffmannn

A sequel no one requested.
Sleights With Cheese Slices — by Darwin O’Nando

Harder than it sounds.
Psychic Potatoes and You — by Bananachek

Root vegetables predict the weather.
The Miser’s Dream (Now With Puddings) — by T. Nelson Dribble

Still no coins, but plenty of custard.

When Queen Victoria visited Cobbleditch in 1846, she was famously unimpressed by the state of the village green, describing it as “more puddle than lawn.” Local legend insists she refused tea at the Cobbleditch Library because the cup kept tipping itself over to the left. Despite this, the villagers proudly commemorate the visit every year with the “Royal Squelch,” a parade across the muddiest patch they can find.

Books 69–100
Coin Sleights of the Soup Prophet — by The Soup Prophet

Every vanish ends in broth.
The Psychology of Biscuits — by Bananachek

Audiences always think of custard creams.
The Tarbeast Course, Volume 13: Badger Illusions — by Harlan Tarbeast

Badgers vanish willingly, return angrily.
Mark Bison’s Advanced Pyjama Magic — by Mark Bison

Tricks you can perform in bed, preferably asleep. Strongly Average Magic — by Darwin O’Nando

How to look powerful while failing.
Royal Road to Soup Magic — by Hugged & Braue

Ends with broth stains on every page.
Expert at the Custard Table — by S. W. Erdnose

Sleights with desserts, disastrous results. Conjuring With Geese — by James Randy

Contains nothing but bite marks.
Practical Biscuits for Stage Magicians — by Aunt Clacket

All routines end with empty tins.
The Miser’s Nightmare — by T. Nelson Dribble

Coins vanish into someone else’s hat.
Invisible Thread (Now Visible) — by John Tangled

400 pages of fishing line diagrams. Mental Custard — by Bananachek How to implant dessert cravings.

Magical Mishaps of Cobbleditch, Vol. 2 — by Old Gerald More explosions, more groans.

Levitation for Goats — by Aunt Clacket Goats rise briefly, then faint.

Coin Sleights for Badgers — by J. B. Bobble Badgers remain unimpressed.

Mark Bison’s Portable Course in Magic — by Mark Bison A foldable pamphlet that bursts into flames.

The Wand Whisperer’s Confessions — by Sir Stickly Mostly stick-based gossip.

The Great Book of Vanishing Neighbours — by Johns Kravens Badger

Accidentally made permanent in one case.
The Encyclopedia of Really Poor Tricks — by Colin Tangled

Everything fails, gloriously.
Rope Magic for the Hopelessly Tied — by Aunt Clacket

Many knots, few solutions.
Fire Eating With Onions — by Ignatius Soot

Twice as painful, twice as smelly.
Card Tricks for Donkeys, Volume II — by Paul Crash

Donkeys demand better pay.
The Miser’s Pudding Disaster — by T. Nelson Dribble

Custard erupts everywhere.
Soup Conjurings of Cobbleditch — by The Soup Prophet

Every ladle hides a rabbit.
Cheese Sorcery: Forbidden Edition — by Fat Brian

The reason cheese spells are outlawed. Invisible Biscuits — by Professor Hoffmannn

The tin is always empty.
Card Collisions II: Revenge of the Deck — by Paul Crash

Decks throw themselves at audiences.
The Cat Who Read Minds — by Roberto Mewbbi

Spoiler: it only cares about fish.
Mark Bison’s Last Biscuit — by Mark Bison

Half memoir, half recipe.
Advanced Astonishment (Mostly Sighs) — by Paul Harsh

No applause, just polite nods.
The Tarbeast Course, Volume 27: Soup Juggling — by Harlan Tarbeast

Not recommended near curtains.
The Miser’s Dream (Still Miserable) — by T. Nelson Dribble

Coins appear, only to vanish into taxes.

When Winston Churchill visited Cobbleditch in 1941, he was scheduled to give a rousing speech at the town hall but instead spent most of the afternoon in the library garden feeding a hot dog to Sausage Doo, the resident hound. The photo of the moment is still proudly displayed, though no one can agree whether Churchill or the dog looked more determined. Locals remember it as the day Cobbleditch officially ran out of mustard.

When Sigmund Freud passed through Cobbleditch in 1937, he was photographed on a garden bench beside Sausage Doo, calmly eating what witnesses described as “an unnecessarily giant sausage.” Scholars have since argued endlessly over the symbolism, while locals mostly remember that Freud dropped half of it on the cobbles and the dog finished it off. The bench still wobbles if you sit in the same spot.

ZOO ITEMS

Section I – Kitchen & Domestic Curiosities (50 items) (mostly spell mishaps during everyday chores)
Fork That Insists On Stirring Tea – Spell Mishap
Teapot That Boils Without Water – Spell Mishap
Sugar Jar That Hums Sea Shanties – Gift from Aunt Clacket Breadknife That Wants To Be A Wand – Safe Keeping Cushion That Burps Loudly – Spell Mishap

Cupboard Door That Opens To Next Tuesday – Spell Mishap Apron That Critiques Your Cooking – Gift from Fat Brian Rolling Pin That Giggles – Safe Keeping
Frying Pan That Plays Trumpet Solos – Spell Mishap

Toast Rack That Bites Toast – Spell Mishap
Jug That Weeps Whenever Emptied – Safe Keeping
Mop That Argues About Corners – Gift from the Mermaid’s Armpit Pub
Whisk That Summons Geese – Spell Mishap
Chair That Laughs When Sat On – Spell Mishap
Plate That Spells Out Rude Words In Gravy – Safe Keeping
Iron That Asks For Holidays – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger Blanket That Tells Bedtime Lies – Spell Mishap
Soap That Remembers Everyone Who Used It – Safe Keeping Curtain That Claps At Sunsets – Gift from Cobbleditch Sewing Circle
Biscuit Tin That Locks From The Inside – Spell Mishap
Saucepan That Smells Of Onions Forever – Gift from Mrs Pottle Knife That Cuts Only Shadows – Spell Mishap
Bucket That Tells Jokes Poorly – Safe Keeping
Towel That Refuses To Dry Wizards – Gift from Old Gerald
Plate That Spins If Lied To – Spell Mishap
Cup That Always Tips Over Left – Safe Keeping
Bed That Refuses To Let You Out On Mondays – Spell Mishap Saucer That Writes Letters – Gift from a passing witch
Drawer That Hides Spoons – Spell Mishap
Oven Mitt That Moans – Safe Keeping
Stool That Sneezes Dust – Gift from Cobbleditch Council
Lamp That Yawns Loudly – Spell Mishap
Doorbell That Laughs – Safe Keeping
Cupboard That Locks When Hungry – Spell Mishap
Fork That Points North – Gift from a wizard geographer
Jar That Demands A Birthday – Spell Mishap
Teaspoon That Predicts Bad Weather – Safe Keeping
Pantry Shelf That Rearranges Food – Spell Mishap
Washing Line That Tells Secrets – Gift from a villager
Pot Plant That Recites Recipes – Spell Mishap
Rolling Pin That Draws Maps – Safe Keeping
Mattress That Sings Hymns – Gift from the vicar
Plate That Refuses To Hold Peas – Spell Mishap
Curtain Pole That Spins When Complimented – Safe Keeping Dustpan That Collects Only Buttons – Spell Mishap
Bedside Table That Eats Socks – Safe Keeping
Pillow That Shouts At Midnight – Spell Mishap
Slippers That Argue With Each Other – Gift from a cousin
Clock That Runs Backwards Only On Sundays – Spell Mishap Knife Block That Coughs – Safe Keeping

The map room insists on being called “Dave.”

Section II – Garden & Outdoor Oddities (51–100)
(many of these came from spells gone wrong during planting, or villagers donating “unsettling” tools)
Wheelbarrow That Refuses To Carry Mud – Spell Mishap
Garden Gnome That Files Complaints – Safe Keeping
Spade That Only Digs At Night – Gift from Cobbleditch Council Hedge That Repeats Everything You Say – Spell Mishap
Pond That Applauds Ducks – Safe Keeping
Lawn Gnome That Asks For Wages – Spell Mishap
Tree Stump That Counts To Ten Forever – Gift from a wizard logger Watering Can That Pours Backwards – Spell Mishap
Rose Bush That Sings Opera – Safe Keeping
Pebbles That Rearrange Into Rude Words – Spell Mishap
Garden Bench That Walks Off When Ignored – Gift from Fat Brian Compost Heap That Recites Limericks – Spell Mishap
Fence Post That Asks Questions – Safe Keeping
Gate That Claps Sarcastically – Spell Mishap
Wheelbarrow That Dreams Of Racing – Gift from local children Hoe That Points Accusingly – Spell Mishap
Bird Bath That Laughs At Crows – Safe Keeping
Gnome That Whispers Politics – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger Garden Hose That Squirts Uninvited – Spell Mishap
Tree That Shakes Apples At Strangers – Safe Keeping
Lawn Mower That Hums Hymns – Spell Mishap
Shed That Demands Passwords – Gift from Cobbleditch Parish Wind Chime That Yells – Spell Mishap
Garden Chair That Refuses To Fold – Safe Keeping
Flower Pot That Sneezes – Spell Mishap
Bird Feeder That Calls Birds By Name – Gift from Mrs Pottle
Path Stone That Hops Away – Spell Mishap
Rain Barrel That Giggles – Safe Keeping
Wheelbarrow That Tells Ghost Stories – Gift from a night watchman
Garden Scarecrow That Asks For Soup – Spell Mishap
Hedgehog Statue That Snorts – Safe Keeping
Lawn Roller That Refuses To Stop – Spell Mishap
Rake That Collects Gossip – Gift from Cobbleditch Youth Club Pond Net That Writes Poetry – Spell Mishap
Rose Arch That Judges Hats – Safe Keeping
Weathervane That Lies – Spell Mishap
Greenhouse That Shivers – Gift from the Mayor
Garden Gate That Moos – Spell Mishap
Stone Gnome That Blinks – Safe Keeping
Water Feature That Sings Off-Key – Spell Mishap
Shrub That Bows Dramatically – Gift from a travelling wizard Lawn Edger That Bites – Safe Keeping
Bird House That Rants – Spell Mishap
Flower Bed That Rearranges Itself – Safe Keeping
Garden Swing That Forgets Who’s On It – Spell Mishap
Rain Cloud In A Jar – Gift from the Cobbleditch Weather Guild Garden Fork That Burps – Spell Mishap
Pathway That Moves Two Feet Left – Safe Keeping
Scarecrow Hat That Whistles – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Gnome That Holds Its Breath For Hours – Spell Mishap

Section III – Office & Bureaucratic Oddments (101–150)
(mostly spell mishaps during paperwork, plus a few suspicious “donations” from the Parish Council)
Filing Cabinet That Giggles When Opened – Spell Mishap Typewriter That Writes Love Letters To Itself – Safe Keeping Stapler That Hiccups – Gift from Cobbleditch School
Ledger That Refuses To Add Even Numbers – Spell Mishap
Rubber Stamp That Cries – Safe Keeping
Quill That Corrects Spelling But Adds Swear Words – Spell Mishap Ink Bottle That Grows Legs – Gift from the Post Office
Paperclip That Thinks It’s A Snake – Spell Mishap
Envelope That Sneezes – Safe Keeping
Desk Lamp That Pretends To Be The Sun – Spell Mishap
Filing Box That Yawns – Gift from the Mayor’s Office
Calculator That Predicts Doomsdays – Spell Mishap
Notebook That Talks Back – Safe Keeping
Hole Punch That Barks – Spell Mishap
Clipboard That Demands Signatures – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Desk Chair That Spins Forever – Spell Mishap
Calendar That Runs Three Days Behind – Safe Keeping
Telephone That Whispers Gossip – Spell Mishap
Waste Bin That Complains About Rubbish – Gift from Fat Brian Pen That Draws Only Ducks – Spell Mishap
Letter Opener That Hums – Safe Keeping
Ruler That Adds Inches At Random – Spell Mishap
Desk Drawer That Moans At Midnight – Gift from Cobbleditch Parish
Memo Pad That Recites Jokes – Spell Mishap
Filing Box That Bites Paper – Safe Keeping
Desk Bell That Rings On Its Own – Spell Mishap
Paperweight That Moves – Gift from the Cobbleditch Library Stamp Pad That Laughs – Spell Mishap
Typewriter Ribbon That Sings – Safe Keeping
Pencil Sharpener That Squeals – Spell Mishap
Ledger That Writes Its Own Entries – Gift from a local clerk
Filing Box That Refuses Labels – Spell Mishap
Telephone That Asks For Tea – Safe Keeping
Calendar That Celebrates Wrong Holidays – Spell Mishap
Ink Well That Burps – Gift from Cobbleditch Postmaster
Paperclip Chain That Slithers – Spell Mishap
Envelope That Glows – Safe Keeping
Desk Lamp That Flickers Morse Code – Spell Mishap
Notepad That Tells Dreams – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Rubber Stamp That Yells “Denied!” – Spell Mishap
Filing Drawer That Shivers – Safe Keeping
Calculator That Swears – Spell Mishap
Hole Punch That Whistles Tunes – Gift from the Cobbleditch Band Clipboard That Argues About Rules – Spell Mishap
Desk Chair That Refuses To Roll – Safe Keeping
Memo Pad That Changes Names – Spell Mishap
Filing Box That Eats Ink – Gift from the Council Chambers Paperweight That Jumps – Spell Mishap
Stapler That Refuses To Close – Safe Keeping
Ledger That Complains About Maths – Spell Mishap

Section IV – Magical Beasts & Zoological Curios (151–200) (many are by-products of spells gone wrong, others were “donated” after villagers got fed up with them)
Goldfish That Recites Shakespeare – Spell Mishap

Cat That Coughs Up Advice Instead Of Furballs – Safe Keeping Dog That Argues With The Postman In Latin – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Rabbit That Changes Colour With The Weather – Spell Mishap Goose That Refuses To Land – Safe Keeping

Tortoise That Tap Dances Slowly – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Owl That Only Delivers Empty Envelopes – Spell Mishap
Badger That Insists On Wearing Hats – Safe Keeping
Hedgehog That Knows Everyone’s Secrets – Gift from the Mayor Pigeon That Applauds Loudly – Spell Mishap

Frog That Demands To Be Addressed As Sir – Safe Keeping Sheep That Barks – Spell Mishap
Cow That Produces Custard – Gift from Fat Brian
Horse That Writes Poetry – Spell Mishap

Pig That Won’t Stop Laughing – Safe Keeping
Duck That Plays The Accordion – Gift from the Cobbleditch Band Snail That Paints Fences – Spell Mishap
Ferret That Steals Shoes – Safe Keeping
Fox That Collects Buttons – Gift from the Cobbleditch Scouts Goat That Recites Times Tables – Spell Mishap
Parrot That Pretends Not To Speak – Safe Keeping
Donkey That Tells Jokes Badly – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger Chicken That Lays Marbles – Spell Mishap
Swan That Judges Haircuts – Safe Keeping
Lizard That Sings Folk Songs – Gift from a passing wizard
Crow That Mimics Coughs – Spell Mishap
Dog That Sleeps Upside Down – Safe Keeping
Cat That Collects Stamps – Gift from Cobbleditch Post Office Hamster That Narrates Its Own Life – Spell Mishap
Goose That Writes Angry Letters – Safe Keeping
Mouse That Screams Randomly – Gift from the Cobbleditch Bakery
Rabbit That Taps Morse Code – Spell Mishap
Cow That Laughs At Clouds – Safe Keeping
Pig That Reads Newspapers – Gift from Cobbleditch Market Sheep That Jumps Backwards – Spell Mishap
Duck That Plays Chess – Safe Keeping
Hedgehog That Bakes Cakes – Gift from Mrs Pottle
Ferret That Recites Proverbs – Spell Mishap
Horse That Complains About Hooves – Safe Keeping
Dog That Only Responds To Opera – Gift from Cobbleditch Choir Pigeon That Knits Scarves – Spell Mishap
Fox That Sleeps In Drawers – Safe Keeping
Cat That Complains About Cheese – Gift from Fat Brian
Owl That Reads Maps Upside Down – Spell Mishap
Tortoise That Refuses To Walk On Mondays – Safe Keeping Rabbit That Argues About Carrots – Gift from Cobbleditch Allotment Society
Goose That Pretends To Be A Swan – Spell Mishap
Pig That Collects Marbles – Safe Keeping
Sheep That Refuses Rain – Gift from the Cobbleditch Weather Guild
Dog That Refuses To Bark Before Lunch – Spell Mishap

Section V – Haunted & Spectral Objects (201–250)
(some are side-effects of spells, others are “safely stored” because villagers refused to sleep near them)
Mirror That Shows You Yawning – Spell Mishap
Candle That Screams When Lit – Safe Keeping
Picture Frame That Moans At Night – Gift from Cobbleditch Parish Lantern That Glows Green On Fridays – Spell Mishap
Bell That Rings When Nobody’s There – Safe Keeping
Teacup That Whispers Your Name – Spell Mishap
Ghost That Refuses To Haunt Properly – Gift from Aunt Clacket Window That Shows Tomorrow’s Weather – Spell Mishap
Portrait That Laughs Rudely – Safe Keeping
Chair That Rocks By Itself – Gift from the Vicarage
Book That Reads Aloud In Ghostly Voices – Spell Mishap
Blanket That Moves While You Sleep – Safe Keeping
Key That Unlocks The Wrong Door – Gift from Cobbleditch Council Door That Sighs – Spell Mishap
Footstool That Growls – Safe Keeping
Photograph That Waves Back – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger Clock That Strikes Thirteen – Spell Mishap
Curtain That Flaps Without Wind – Safe Keeping
Wardrobe That Knocks – Gift from Cobbleditch Theatre
Bed That Lifts Two Inches At Midnight – Spell Mishap
Lamp That Casts Extra Shadows – Safe Keeping
Drawer That Whispers Secrets – Gift from Fat Brian
Music Box That Plays Backwards – Spell Mishap
Hat Stand That Salutes – Safe Keeping
Quilt That Cries Softly – Gift from Cobbleditch Seamstress Cupboard That Opens At 3am – Spell Mishap
Floorboard That Screams When Stepped On – Safe Keeping
Pen That Writes Ghost Stories On Its Own – Gift from Cobbleditch Library
Windowpane That Shows Someone Else’s Face – Spell Mishap Mirror That Refuses To Reflect You – Safe Keeping
Clock That Ticks Only In Silence – Gift from Cobbleditch Town Hall Picture That Sneezes Dust – Spell Mishap
Chair That Tilts For No Reason – Safe Keeping
Doll That Talks In Riddles – Gift from the Cobbleditch Orphanage Door Handle That Feels Like A Hand – Spell Mishap
Rug That Crawls – Safe Keeping
Pillow That Shouts “Boo!” – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Vase That Refuses To Hold Flowers – Spell Mishap
Window That Opens To Another House – Safe Keeping
Bell That Laughs – Gift from Cobbleditch Church
Candle That Burns Cold – Spell Mishap
Mirror That Hums – Safe Keeping
Clock That Counts Backwards After Midnight – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Blanket That Smells Of Damp Graves – Spell Mishap
Chair That Complains – Safe Keeping
Lamp That Flickers Faces – Gift from Cobbleditch Council
Book That Shuts With A Bang – Spell Mishap
Cup That Drips Blood (Tomato Juice) – Safe Keeping
Key That Refuses To Stay Put – Gift from Cobbleditch Locksmith Ghostly Handkerchief That Waves On Its Own – Spell Mishap

Section VI – Musical & Theatrical Oddities (251–300)
(many of these were spell accidents during rehearsals, or items musicians begged the Zoo to store for everyone’s sanity)
Violin That Refuses To Stop Tuning – Spell Mishap
Drum That Beats By Itself At Midnight – Safe Keeping
Trumpet That Whistles When Ignored – Gift from the Cobbleditch Brass Band
Flute That Laughs Between Notes – Spell Mishap
Piano Stool That Spins Dramatically – Safe Keeping
Sheet Music That Changes Keys On Purpose – Gift from the Cobbleditch Choir
Guitar That Sulks – Spell Mishap
Banjo That Recites Shopping Lists – Safe Keeping
Cymbals That Crash Randomly – Gift from Fat Brian’s nephew Accordion That Groans About Mondays – Spell Mishap
Stage Curtain That Claps Back – Safe Keeping
Spotlight That Points At Strangers – Gift from Cobbleditch Theatre Harp That Only Plays Sad Songs – Spell Mishap
Microphone That Heckles – Safe Keeping
Tuba That Burps – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Violin Case That Whispers Secrets – Spell Mishap
Clarinet That Refuses To Stop – Safe Keeping
Music Stand That Falls Over For Applause – Gift from Cobbleditch Orchestra
Tambourine That Tells Jokes – Spell Mishap
Stage Prop Sword That Cries – Safe Keeping
Triangle That Shouts “Again!” – Gift from Cobbleditch Primary School
Drum Kit That Rearranges Itself – Spell Mishap
Spotlight That Sneezes – Safe Keeping
Cello That Tells Ghost Stories – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Trumpet Mute That Screams – Spell Mishap
Oboe That Sighs Constantly – Safe Keeping
Curtain Rope That Moves Alone – Gift from Cobbleditch Theatre Guild
Harmonica That Coughs – Spell Mishap
Stage Hat That Bows – Safe Keeping
Bass Drum That Predicts Rain – Gift from Cobbleditch Marching Band
Violin That Shouts “Encore!” – Spell Mishap
Trombone That Stretches Too Far – Safe Keeping
Sheet Music That Reads Aloud – Gift from Cobbleditch Academy Guitar Pick That Screams – Spell Mishap
Piano That Refuses Minor Chords – Safe Keeping
Violin Bow That Dances – Gift from Cobbleditch Fiddlers’ Club Mandolin That Asks Questions – Spell Mishap
Stage Wig That Crawls – Safe Keeping
Saxophone That Moans – Gift from Fat Brian’s bandmate
Drum That Rolls By Itself – Spell Mishap
Microphone Stand That Applauds – Safe Keeping
Spotlight That Complains Of Stage Fright – Gift from Cobbleditch Actors’ Circle
Violin That Plays Scales Backwards – Spell Mishap
Clarinet Reed That Screeches – Safe Keeping
Stage Prop Chair That Bows – Gift from Cobbleditch Drama Club Cymbal That Whispers “Soon” – Spell Mishap
Accordion That Inflates Randomly – Safe Keeping
Trumpet That Refuses Notes After Lunch – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Stage Curtain That Snaps Shut – Spell Mishap
Violin Case That Demands Tickets – Safe Keeping

Section VII – Travel & Transport Curiosities (301–350)
(many born from travel spells gone wrong, or donated because they disrupted traffic in alarming ways)
Bicycle That Rides Backwards – Spell Mishap
Bus Ticket That Never Expires But Moans – Safe Keeping
Umbrella That Flies Too High – Gift from Cobbleditch Weather Guild Suitcase That Refuses To Close – Spell Mishap
Train Whistle That Shrieks At Dinner Time – Safe Keeping
Map That Points Only To Cobbleditch – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Boat That Rows Itself In Circles – Spell Mishap
Wheel That Rolls Away Sulking – Safe Keeping
Hat That Believes It’s A Helmet – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger Horse Saddle That Laughs – Spell Mishap
Wagon Wheel That Hums Hymns – Safe Keeping
Carriage Lamp That Whistles – Gift from Cobbleditch Stables Compass That Points To Cheese – Spell Mishap
Bus Bell That Rings Endlessly – Safe Keeping
Walking Stick That Struts – Gift from Cobbleditch Ramblers Skateboard That Complains – Spell Mishap
Suitcase That Runs Off – Safe Keeping
Bicycle Bell That Barks – Gift from Fat Brian
Train Seat That Sneezes – Spell Mishap
Road Sign That Changes Wording – Safe Keeping
Boat Oar That Moans – Gift from Cobbleditch Rowing Club
Wagon That Refuses To Stop – Spell Mishap
Carriage Door That Laughs – Safe Keeping
Ticket Punch That Shouts – Gift from Cobbleditch Station Master Compass That Lies – Spell Mishap
Car Horn That Whimpers – Safe Keeping
Suitcase That Writes Postcards – Gift from Cobbleditch Travel Agency
Roller Skate That Spins Forever – Spell Mishap
Bus Seat That Hums – Safe Keeping
Bicycle Chain That Moos – Gift from Cobbleditch Dairy
Train Window That Shows The Sea – Spell Mishap
Road Cone That Snorts – Safe Keeping
Carriage Step That Wobbles – Gift from Cobbleditch Theatre (prop) Wagon Harness That Shouts Orders – Spell Mishap
Bus Driver’s Hat That Refuses To Stay On – Safe Keeping
Luggage Label That Tells Stories – Gift from Cobbleditch Port Compass That Spins When Laughed At – Spell Mishap
Tram Bell That Tells Secrets – Safe Keeping
Bicycle Pedal That Sulks – Gift from Cobbleditch Blacksmith
Horse Bridle That Whistles – Spell Mishap
Train Buffer That Groans – Safe Keeping
Road Sign That Points To “Somewhere Else” – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Walking Boot That Runs Ahead – Spell Mishap
Suitcase That Snores – Safe Keeping
Bicycle Pump That Yells Encouragement – Gift from Cobbleditch Cycle Club
Boat Anchor That Complains About Depth – Spell Mishap
Wagon Wheel That Refuses To Turn – Safe Keeping
Bus Ticket Machine That Sings – Gift from Cobbleditch Depot Compass That Draws Circles – Spell Mishap
Tram Seat That Vibrates Randomly – Safe Keeping

Section VIII – Weather & Natural Elements (351–400)
(often spell mishaps from weather charms, or donated because they annoyed entire households)
Cloud In A Jar That Escapes At Tea Time – Spell Mishap
Breeze That Rearranges Papers – Safe Keeping
Sunbeam That Refuses To Leave – Gift from Cobbleditch Gardeners Thunderclap In A Bottle – Spell Mishap
Raincloud That Follows Strangers – Safe Keeping
Icicle That Never Melts But Moans – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Stone That Warms Itself – Spell Mishap
Mud Puddle That Shifts – Safe Keeping
Leaf That Sings At Dawn – Gift from Cobbleditch Scouts
Snowflake That Won’t Stop Talking – Spell Mishap
Raindrop That Glows – Safe Keeping
Wind Gust That Shouts Names – Gift from Cobbleditch Weather Guild
Lightning Bolt Trapped In A Jar – Spell Mishap
Fog That Giggles – Safe Keeping
Rock That Tells Jokes – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Sunflower That Judges People – Spell Mishap
Moss That Applauds – Safe Keeping
Cloud That Smells Of Soup – Gift from Cobbleditch Market
Breeze That Opens Drawers – Spell Mishap
Rainstorm That Waits Outside – Safe Keeping
Snowball That Refuses To Melt – Gift from Cobbleditch Children Thunder That Argues – Spell Mishap
Hailstone That Collects Buttons – Safe Keeping
Leaf Pile That Rearranges Itself – Gift from Cobbleditch Park Keeper River Pebble That Hums – Spell Mishap
Tree Branch That Waves Constantly – Safe Keeping
Shadow That Won’t Stay Attached – Gift from Cobbleditch Festival Cloud That Follows Cats – Spell Mishap
Mist That Tells Secrets – Safe Keeping
Rock That Glows Blue – Gift from Cobbleditch Miners
Sunbeam That Judges – Spell Mishap
Breeze That Carries Laughter – Safe Keeping
Lightning That Hums – Gift from Cobbleditch Wizard Council Raincloud That Asks For Biscuits – Spell Mishap
Fog That Follows Only One Person – Safe Keeping
Snowdrift That Sneezes – Gift from Cobbleditch School
Tree Root That Taps – Spell Mishap
Puddle That Recites Poetry – Safe Keeping
Leaf That Flutters Indoors – Gift from Cobbleditch Mayor
Hailstone That Knocks Politely – Spell Mishap
Thunderclap That Laughs – Safe Keeping
Cloud That Wears Hats – Gift from Cobbleditch Tailor
Mist That Covers Just Your Shoes – Spell Mishap
Stone That Complains Of Cold – Safe Keeping
Raindrop That Whistles – Gift from Cobbleditch Choir
Sunray That Shines Only On Cake – Spell Mishap
Breeze That Rearranges Hair – Safe Keeping
River Pebble That Snorts – Gift from Cobbleditch Fishermen
Fog That Pretends To Be Smoke – Spell Mishap
Cloud That Asks Directions – Safe Keeping

Section IX – Festive, Games & Pastime Oddities (401–450)
(many came from spells used for parties, or were “donated” after ruining family gatherings)
Balloon That Never Pops But Sulks – Spell Mishap
Party Hat That Applauds – Safe Keeping
Streamer That Wraps People – Gift from Cobbleditch Fair
Dice That Always Roll Sixes – Spell Mishap
Card Deck That Cheats – Safe Keeping
Domino That Crawls Away – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Board Game That Shouts Rules – Spell Mishap
Mask That Laughs Alone – Safe Keeping
Trumpet Kazoo That Moans – Gift from Cobbleditch Band
Balloon That Hums Hymns – Spell Mishap
Lantern That Flashes At Jokes – Safe Keeping
Banner That Misspells Words – Gift from Cobbleditch Festival Party Popper That Whispers – Spell Mishap
Ribbon That Ties Itself Around Chairs – Safe Keeping
Hat That Spins At Music – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Game Piece That Talks Back – Spell Mishap
Dice Cup That Groans – Safe Keeping
Mask That Mimics Faces – Gift from Cobbleditch Theatre
Domino That Sings – Spell Mishap
Card That Screams “Uno!” – Safe Keeping
Balloon That Hides – Gift from Cobbleditch School
Party Horn That Howls – Spell Mishap
Banner That Demands Applause – Safe Keeping
Ribbon That Curls Around Cats – Gift from Cobbleditch Seamstress Game Spinner That Spins Forever – Spell Mishap
Domino That Moans – Safe Keeping
Deck Box That Complains – Gift from Cobbleditch Market
Party Mask That Glows – Spell Mishap
Balloon That Floats Upside Down – Safe Keeping
Streamer That Crawls Up Walls – Gift from Cobbleditch Youth Club Card Deck That Whispers Secrets – Spell Mishap
Dice That Refuse Odd Numbers – Safe Keeping
Hat That Demands Cake – Gift from Cobbleditch Bakers
Board Game That Eats Pieces – Spell Mishap
Party Popper That Smokes – Safe Keeping
Banner That Sneezes Glitter – Gift from Cobbleditch Fair
Domino That Refuses To Fall – Spell Mishap
Ribbon That Sticks To Dogs – Safe Keeping
Mask That Sighs – Gift from Cobbleditch Actors’ Circle
Balloon That Shouts – Spell Mishap
Game Board That Rearranges – Safe Keeping
Card Deck That Laughs – Gift from Cobbleditch Pub
Party Hat That Whistles – Spell Mishap
Streamer That Writes Names – Safe Keeping
Domino That Flaps – Gift from Cobbleditch Primary School
Dice That Roll Off Tables – Spell Mishap
Banner That Refuses To Hang – Safe Keeping
Ribbon That Tangles People – Gift from Cobbleditch Dancers
Party Popper That Applauds – Spell Mishap
Mask That Forgets Its Face – Safe Keeping

Section X – Workshop, Tools & Everyday Oddments (451–500) (mostly spell accidents in sheds and workshops, plus objects villagers begged the Zoo to “store forever”)
Hammer That Laughs When It Misses – Spell Mishap

Saw That Sings Sea Shanties – Safe Keeping
Chisel That Complains Of Splinters – Gift from Cobbleditch Carpenter
Nail That Crawls Away – Spell Mishap
Toolbox That Locks Itself – Safe Keeping
Tape Measure That Lies – Gift from Johns Kravens Badger
Drill That Whistles – Spell Mishap
Screwdriver That Argues With Screws – Safe Keeping
Ladder That Shakes For Attention – Gift from Cobbleditch Council Paintbrush That Paints Faces – Spell Mishap
Spanner That Groans – Safe Keeping
Mallet That Yawns – Gift from Cobbleditch Blacksmith
Wrench That Refuses Left Turns – Spell Mishap
Pliers That Giggle – Safe Keeping
Sawdust That Rearranges Into Words – Gift from Cobbleditch Workshop
Hammer That Whistles – Spell Mishap
Toolbox That Asks Questions – Safe Keeping
Tape Measure That Moos – Gift from Cobbleditch Farmers
Drill That Snores – Spell Mishap
Screw That Hums – Safe Keeping
Ladder That Moves Slightly – Gift from Cobbleditch Theatre
Paint Tin That Leaks Rainbows – Spell Mishap
Spade That Whispers – Safe Keeping
Chisel That Rhymes – Gift from Cobbleditch Poets’ Society
Saw That Refuses To Cut – Spell Mishap
Toolbox That Bounces – Safe Keeping
Nail That Shouts – Gift from Cobbleditch Builders
Screwdriver That Dances – Spell Mishap
Paintbrush That Refuses Colours – Safe Keeping
Spanner That Laughs – Gift from Cobbleditch Mechanics
Drill Bit That Glows – Spell Mishap
Mallet That Claps – Safe Keeping
Hammer That Pretends To Be A Wand – Gift from Fat Brian
Ladder That Demands Cake – Spell Mishap
Toolbox That Moans – Safe Keeping
Tape Measure That Refuses Odd Numbers – Gift from Cobbleditch Mathematician
Saw That Recites Recipes – Spell Mishap
Screwdriver That Cries – Safe Keeping
Chisel That Hiccups – Gift from Cobbleditch School
Paintbrush That Signs Its Name – Spell Mishap
Wrench That Refuses To Move – Safe Keeping
Nail That Whistles – Gift from Cobbleditch Choir
Drill That Tells Jokes – Spell Mishap
Spade That Complains About Soil – Safe Keeping
Mallet That Refuses To Hit – Gift from Cobbleditch Council
Screw That Glows – Spell Mishap
Toolbox That Sings – Safe Keeping
Ladder That Sneezes – Gift from Aunt Clacket
Paintbrush That Paints Clouds – Spell Mishap
Hammer That Demands Applause – Safe Keeping

The Safe Keeping Vault – Items From The Great & Questionable The Queen’s Umbrella That Opens Indoors By Itself.
Elvis Presley’s Comb That Sings “Thank You Very Much.” Winston Churchill’s Teacup That Shouts Orders.

Beyoncé’s Mirror That Applauds.
Napoleon’s Hat That Sulks When Not Worn.
Shakespeare’s Quill That Adds Extra Jokes.
Marilyn Monroe’s Perfume Bottle That Giggles.
Albert Einstein’s Chalk That Writes Backwards.
Barack Obama’s Basketball That Floats.
Donald Trump’s Tie That Shouts “Fake!”
King Charles’s Gardening Gloves That Wave At People.
David Bowie’s Guitar Pick That Changes Colour.
Oprah’s Microphone That Asks More Questions.
Gandhi’s Sandals That Refuse Violence.
Madonna’s Hairbrush That Demands Applause.
Stalin’s Pipe That Argues.
Elvis’s Spare Sunglasses That Glow In The Dark.
Cleopatra’s Perfume That Attracts Snakes.
Queen Victoria’s Handkerchief That Weeps.
Winston Churchill’s Spare Cigar That Sings War Songs.
Kylie Minogue’s Disco Ball That Spins Too Fast.
Harry Houdini’s Key That Hides Itself.
Abraham Lincoln’s Top Hat That Refuses To Sit Still.
Michael Jackson’s Glove That Moonwalks Alone.
Margaret Thatcher’s Handbag That Lectures.
Taylor Swift’s Guitar That Writes Breakup Songs On Its Own. Julius Caesar’s Laurel Wreath That Whispers Betrayal.
Britney Spears’s Microphone That Screams Randomly.
Barack Obama’s Pen That Writes “Hope” Endlessly.
Elton John’s Piano Stool That Hops.
Kim Kardashian’s Mirror That Pouts.
Winston Churchill’s Watch That Runs On Speeches.
Lady Gaga’s Hat That Sings Duets.
Thor’s Hammer (Replica) That Still Sparks.
The Pope’s Candle That Glows Blue.
Mick Jagger’s Shoes That Dance Without Him.
Gandhi’s Walking Stick That Refuses To Rest.
Marie Antoinette’s Cake Knife That Shouts “Eat!”
David Beckham’s Football That Spins Forever.
Leonardo da Vinci’s Sketchbook That Redraws In Colour. Nelson Mandela’s Notebook That Glows With Peace Signs. Freddie Mercury’s Microphone Stand That Leans Dramatically. Barack Obama’s Coffee Mug That Gives Speeches.
Donald Trump’s Hairbrush That Complains.
Adele’s Teapot That Sings Ballads.
Stephen King’s Typewriter That Adds Extra Chapters.
Queen Elizabeth I’s Ruffled Collar That Sneezes Dust.
Prince’s Purple Scarf That Smells Of Rain.
Barack Obama’s Umbrella That Refuses To Fold.
The Dalai Lama’s Bell That Laughs Softly.

EXHIBITS

10 photographs of Phillip Schoffield smiling, without Holly Willoughby

📸
1. “Solo on the Sofa” (2014)
Phillip smiles at a plate of bourbons on the This Morning set. An

empty seat next to him is draped in an abandoned cardigan. 📸
2. “The Cheese Awards” (2016)
Captured mid-laugh next to a giant wheel of Stilton. No sign of Holly, but a man dressed as a cheddar wedge is visible in the background.

📸
3. “Trampoline Centre Opening” (2012)
Phillip beams, mid-air. The mayor is upside down beside him. Holly

was reportedly at a Pilates class.
📸
4. “Lone Bench Reflection” (2018)
A candid black-and-white photo of Phillip smiling into the middle distance on a weathered park bench. Holly’s name carved faintly into the wood beside him.

📸
5. “The Invisible Co-Host” (2020)
Phillip presenting an award on stage, grinning, holding out his

hand — to absolutely no one.
📸
6. “Cliffside Picnic” (2009)
A thermos. A scotch egg. A windswept Phillip, smiling faintly. The blanket beside him is pressed down, but empty.

📸
7. “Shopping Alone, Yet Joyous” (2015)
Mid-aisle at a Waitrose. Phillip holds a pineapple. Smiles warmly.

The caption reads, “He’s got this.”
📸
8. “Unexpected Item in the Bagging Area” (2022)
Phillip laughing heartily at a self-checkout machine. No one else in frame. Security was later called “just in case.”

📸
9. “The Mirror Doesn’t Answer” (2011)
Phillip takes a cheerful selfie in a lift mirror. A smudged handprint

appears faintly next to his shoulder.
📸
10. “Solo Christmas Card Shoot” (2017)
Full Santa suit. Fake snow. One present labelled “To Holly” sits unopened. Phillip’s smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

The Swiftwind Collection: 30 Jars of Taylor Swift’s Alleged Farts (Concert Edition)
(Each jar labelled in black Sharpie, faint shimmer of glitter around the lid)
Fearless Fizz

From her 2009 “Fearless” tour — allegedly after eating too many nacho chips backstage. Lightly citrusy.
Red (Too Gassy)

Trapped just moments before singing “All Too Well.” Described as "poignant, with a hint of popcorn."
1989 (A Whisper of Broccoli)

Collected mid-costume change. Rattled the sequin jacket on exit.
Folklore Fog

Muted. Earthy. Allegedly released in a moss-themed dressing room.
Reputation Rumble

Aggressive and unashamed. Rumoured to have startled a snake prop.
Eras Echo (Opening Night, Arizona)

Light pink label. Still buzzing. Rumour says it affected pyrotechnics.
Speak Now (Squeak Later)

Accidentally caught on mic — quickly edited out. Now sealed forever.
Cardigan Cloud

Mellow, lingering. Best experienced in candlelight. Comes in a knitted jar sleeve.
Midnights Murmur

Jar glows faintly. Possibly bioluminescent. Feels like anxiety. Love Story (Flatulent Remix)
Held back until the chorus. Possibly enhanced by tight corset wear.
You Belong With Cheeze

Recorded after an overly generous dairy plate. Beloved by hardcore fans.
Lavender Hiss

Notes of fizzy sweets and regret. Label has no date, just a sigh. Glitter Wind
From a fan meet-and-greet in 2011. Allegedly caused one balloon to wilt.
Copenhagen Release

Nordic, spicy. Possibly contains cinnamon or nerves. Vigilante Gasp
From her revenge dress rehearsal. Jar sealed with matte black tape.
Cornelia Fart

Delicate. Almost poetic. Collected near a vintage chair. Shake It Off (Stifled Attempt)
She tried. She failed. It’s in the jar now. Invisible Fart

You won’t hear it. But you’ll know. Oh, you’ll know. Backstage Squeeze (Rome)
Labelled in Italian. Everyone pretends it’s perfume. Blank Space (and a Little Air)

The lid clicks mysteriously every hour. Don’t trust it. The Tortured Pooper Department
Exclusive deluxe vinyl edition jar. Comes with tissues. Sparks Farting

From the quick change tent. Sparkly but suspect. Wildest Reek
Allegedly opened too early during tour rehearsals. Caused a short pause.
Betty’s Breezer

From a cardigan pocket. Unsure how it got there. Look What You Made Me Do (Again)
Stored in a recycled snake-themed perfume bottle. Enchanted Emission

A slow build. Quite cinematic. Faint glitter inside the jar. The Gasp Before “August”
Unconfirmed. Probably never existed. But it’s on eBay. All the King’s Farts

Experimental. Possibly a group effort. Label contains a warning.
Begin Again... Again

Wasn’t going to jar it. But then she did. Twice. Mirrorball Blaster
Last known jar. Lid reportedly jammed due to sparkle glue.

Top 50 Things We Don’t Really Need (But Have Anyway) Smart fridges that tell you you're out of milk
Phone cases with glitter that moves
Electric wine openers

Celebrity NFTs
Voice-controlled lightbulbs that don’t listen
Those tiny decorative towels no one is allowed to use
Social media filters that turn your face into a potato
Shoes with built-in wheels (for adults)
Bluetooth forks
Apps that pretend to be lighters
Mugs with sarcastic slogans you’ve read 400 times
Plastic grass
24-hour news tickers that never stop
Fridge magnets shaped like food
Toothpaste varieties with glitter
Three versions of the same streaming service
Gadgets that remove avocado stones
Pet strollers (for animals that can walk)
Cinematic trailers for shampoo
Subscription boxes for socks
Pop-up ads for VPNs... inside a VPN
Contactless bins
Car exhausts louder than the car itself
Smart watches that just remind you you’re lazy
Scented bin liners
High heels for infants
Miniature shopping trolleys for your desk
Toilet paper with inspirational quotes
Apps that simulate the sound of rain (while it’s raining) USB-powered candle warmers
QR codes on gravestones
Online quizzes that guess your age by your pizza preferences
Smart kettles that boil from another room but not the room you're in Mugs shaped like toilets
Virtual reality treadmills
Tattooed eyebrows for your dog
Selfie drones
Adult colouring books (for people who hate colouring and fun)
AI that writes breakup texts
Alarm clocks that fly
Video doorbells that just film raccoons
Glasses that play white noise
Plastic-wrapped fruit with its own natural skin
Life coaches with no life experience
T-shirts that say “influencer” unironically
TVs in the back of taxis
Water bottles that track your emotions
Digital picture frames that never get updated
Toasters that tweet when your toast is ready
Keychains with GPS that are never charged

🕯
The Unsettling World of Marilyn Manson’s Sylvanian Families A 12-piece collection, curated in secrecy from 1996–2009
1. The Bone Orchard Bakery

50 Items of Clothing We Never Needed (or Couldn’t Get Into) “Fashion is pain. Mostly in the knees, crotch, and neck.” Jeans with built-in cowboy boots
Transparent plastic trousers (fog up instantly) Back-to-front jumpers
Three-legged tights
Velcro-only trousers (loud and risky)
The poncho with no head hole
Chainmail vest (for beachwear)
Crocheted swimming trunks
Full denim bodysuit with no zip
Hat with built-in candle (lit)
T-shirt with sleeves sewn shut
Necktie hoodie combo
Inflatable trousers (malfunctioning valve)
Trousers made of wool and clingfilm
The “sweater kilt” (not a hit in Aberdeen)
Leather balaclava with no breathing holes
Shoes with toes that point backward
Shirt with built-in oven mitts
Corset made entirely of spoons
Velour jumpsuit (with rear zip only)
Elbowless blazer
Fleece trousers that can’t stop clinging to you
The see-through cravat
Skirt with hidden wheels (no brakes)
Flip-flop socks
Faux-fur underwear (itch rating: severe)
Cropped hoodie with sleeves down to your knees
Polo neck with polo mints sewn in
Glass hat (cracked upon thought)
Full-length plastic cape (steam trap)
Boiler suit with 48 buttons
Crushed velvet bra with air pockets
Mittens sewn directly into jumper
The edible scarf (meat-based)
Beard hat with matching beard trousers
Neon camouflage (for urban rave stealth)
Hooded scarf with built-in fan (blows dust into face) Reversible inside-out suit (never looks right) Cardigan that buttons up the back
Woollen shorts with leg warmers attached Flammable leggings (marketed as “quick dry”)
Shirt with moving eyeballs on the chest
Latex turtleneck with no give
The cape with sleeves (confuses everyone)
Socks that double as binoculars
Jeans made from recycled crisp packets
Onesie with zip that ends at one sock
Shower hat with built-in speakers (no volume control) Cowboy chaps made of marzipan
Coat that insists on hugging you back

Run by a rabbit with glass eyes and flour-dusted claws. No bread, just bones.
2. The Velvet Antler Tea Room
Populated by deer in black lace veils. They only serve silence and lemon formaldehyde. 3. Crimson Hollow School for Difficult Hedgehogs

All pupils are suspended upside-down. The school bell is a scream.
4. The Crow & Milk Orphanage
No one remembers dropping them off. The children all look like Marilyn, except smaller. 5. The Bile Brothers Touring Organ-Grinder Circus
Rats in velvet waistcoats perform on tiny organs made of beetles. One vomits confetti. 6. The Chapel of Fleeting Guilt
Run by a possum in latex. Every pew contains an apology in Morse code.
7. The Dollhead Florist
Bouquets made from tiny plastic heads. Scented with burning hair.
8. The Cryptic Butcher’s Van
It moves. No driver. Inside: piglets with monocles and cleavers. They hum Nirvana.
9. The Shrieking Twins’ Ice Cream Kiosk
Flavour list includes: Charcoal Sigh, Eyelash Ripple, and Vanilla Anxiety.
10. The Absinthe Crèche
Supervised by a bat in a nurse's uniform. The babies whisper secrets in Latin.
11. The Taxidermist’s Picnic
Badgers eating jam with scissors. Ants play violins carved from regret.
12. The Glovebox Family
They only appear when you’re alone in your car, in the rear-view mirror, staring.

The Reggae Reggae Wing (Exhibit 12C)
“The Sauce That Refused to Be Forgotten.”
In the mid-2000s, Levi Roots did not merely sell a sauce—he ignited a full-blown cultural wildfire. For several years, Reggae Reggae Sauce could be found on nearly every shelf, packet, and regrettable fusion meal in Britain.
What began as a televised pitch turned into a national obsession. But nowhere was the worship more intense than Hackney, where a secretive and extremely sticky fan club emerged: The Hackney Reggae Reggae Sauce Appreciation Society.
When the group mysteriously dissolved in 2013 (following the Incident of the Thrice-Heated Shepherd’s Pie), a battered suitcase containing their full archive was donated to Cobbleditch Zoo “for safekeeping and detoxification.”
It sat unopened for 8 years.
Now, fully catalogued and mildly sanitised, it offers a fascinating glimpse into obsession, branding, and the unholy union of sauce and shampoo.
Visitors are advised not to touch any exhibits marked “Batch X.”
And for the love of spice, do not lick the candle.

1. Reggae Reggae Sauce Air Freshener
Smelled like spicy mango and oniony regret. Banned from all minicabs

in Tower Hamlets.
2. Levi Roots Talking Keyring

Quotes included “Put some music in your food!” and “Sauce it up, baby!”

Frightened postmen regularly.
3. Reggae Reggae Flavoured Chewing Gum

Lasted six seconds. Ended three engagements. 4. Limited Edition Reggae Reggae Cola

Described by one taster as “Carbonated kebab in distress.” 5. Sauce-Stained Tea Towel (Framed)

Allegedly touched by Levi himself during a demo. Still slightly damp. 6. Empty Box of Reggae Reggae Chicken Pies

Marketing tagline: “We baked the riddim in.”

They didn’t.
7. Fan Letter to Levi (Never Sent)

Begins: “Dear King of Sauce...” Ends with: “Can you bless my microwave?”
8. Levi Roots Apron (Autographed?)

Signature turned out to be spaghetti hoops. 9. 2007 Tesco Receipt for 19 Bottles of Sauce

Annotated with: “Best week of my life.”
10. Handwritten Reggae Reggae Lasagne Recipe (Crossed Out)

Ends with: “NOPE. NEVER AGAIN.” 11. Reggae Reggae Perfume Sample

Notes of jerk seasoning, nutmeg, and mild threat. 12. Club Member Badge (Incorrectly Spelled)

Reads “Reggy Reggy Sauce 4eva.”
13. Customised Levi Roots Action Figure

Head from Ken, torso from Fireman Sam. Drenched in glue and faith. 14. VHS Tape: Levi Live at Lambeth Library

Mostly silent. One loud “YEAH” at minute 46.
15. Child’s School Project: What Levi Means to Me

Illustrations include Levi riding a flaming jerk chicken. 16. Bottle of Sauce with No Label

Referred to as “Batch X.”

Kept in a locked tin.
17. Reggae Reggae Shower Gel (Illegal)

Too spicy for skin. Briefly sold on market stalls in Peckham. 18. Club Newsletter (Issue 4 Only)

Entire contents: “No updates, still saucing.” 19. “Sauce Zone” Map of Hackney (2010)

Highlights where bottles were found, lost, or used as weapons. 20. Sauce-Tossing Spoon (Bent)

Used in original Sauce Olympics, 2009.

Won bronze in “fling and land.”
21. Levi Roots Tea Bags (Cinnamon & Confusion)

Made water look like sadness.
22. Reggae Reggae Ice Lollies (One Surviving Wrapper)

Banned by schools after outbreak of sticky shorts. 23. A Half-Melted Mug with Levi’s Face

Image drips when hot. Haunting.
24. DIY Sauce Helmet (Festival Use Only)

Twin bottle holsters. Leaked continuously.

25. Sauce-Themed Tarot Deck The Tower card just says “Too Much Heat.” 26. Levi Roots Jigsaw (14 Pieces Missing) Mostly depicts a fork and an eyebrow. 27. Club Anthem on Cassette: Sticky & Proud Track two simply titled “YES SAUCE.” 28. “Official” Levi Roots Beard Trimmer Said to hum Bob Marley songs while shaving. 29. Used Sauce-Covered Guitar Pick Melted slightly. Now sticky but “resonant.” 30. Reggae Reggae-branded Pillowcase Printed with the phrase: “Dream of Spice.” Still smells faintly of vinegar. 31. Homemade Levi Roots Candle Wax, paprika, rum. Banned from church. 32. Printed Club Constitution (Draft Only) Mostly doodles of sauce bottles with arms. 33. Reggae Reggae Pencil Case (Limited Run) Zipped shut forever after mystery leak. 34. Levi Roots Cake Topper Came with edible dreadlocks. Complaints filed. 35. Club Zine: Hot Sauce & Heartache Issue one sold three copies. Two were recalled. 36. Bottle Opener Shaped Like Levi’s Head Eyes flash red when opened too quickly. 37. Reggae Reggae Funeral Pamphlet Yes, someone tried. Slogan: “Send me off with sauce.” 38. Levi Roots-Themed Monopoly Board “Sauce Tax” spaces replaced all utilities. 39. Hackney Fields Picnic Poster (2012) Event cancelled due to sauce fire. 40. Rare Levi Roots Beer Mat Quoting: “Drink up, then spice it again.” 41. Original Hackney Sauce Club Charter Signed in ketchup. 42. Crochet Levi Roots Doll Missing a foot. “Still powerful.” 43. Reggae Reggae Yo-Yo (Unopened) Wouldn’t return once flung. Sauce-related incident suspected. 44. Official Club Saucing Glove Velcro-tipped. For precision-only drizzle moments. 45. Levi Roots Lanyard (Fake) Used to access backstage at a school fête. 46. Spice-A-Day Wall Calendar (2011) Every day was the same sauce. 47. Flat Reggae Reggae Sauce Bottle (Framed) Description: “Trampled but faithful.” 48. Signed Napkin (Possibly) Reads: “Stay spicy, you legends.” 49. Lost & Found Logbook Entries include: “1 shoe, 3 bottles, a vibe.” 50. Levi Roots Face Mask (Soggy) Too much realism. Retired after one BBQ.

The Warhol-Dalí Exchange
Exhibit: Gallery 3 – "Pre-Soup Era Works, Gifted in Exchange for Anteater Time"
In 1962, Andy Warhol visited Spain to meet Salvador Dalí, allegedly to discuss moustaches and mayonnaise. What followed was a bizarre barter: Warhol traded 17 unreleased supermarket-themed paintings for a 6-minute ride on Dalí’s pet anteater, “Jeff.”
The paintings were never displayed publicly. Dalí deemed them “too real.” He locked them in a pink fridge for 20 years. After his passing, the entire fridge (anteater prints included) was accidentally auctioned to Cobbleditch Zoo during a misfiled bid for a ceramic badger.
Now restored, framed, and slightly warped from fridge-humidity, the paintings hang here in their full mass- produced melancholy.
Visitors are advised:
Do not lick the foil painting.
Do not speak to the eggs (they remember voices).
Please respect “Mr Kipling’s Apology.” It’s a sensitive piece.
A plaque beneath the exhibit reads simply:

"Pop art met surrealism. And neither of them paid the bill."

🖼
2. "Frozen Peas" (1960)
A bag of peas repeated in 12 squares. One square has all the peas rearranged to spell “PEACE.”

🖼
3. "Mr Kipling’s Apology" (1961)
Six Cherry Bakewells, except the cherries are eyes. Originally banned from a bakery chain in Leicester.

🖼
4. "Tesco Value Butter" (1962)
Minimalist blue-and-white packaging. No butter present, only the idea of butter.

🖼
5. "Quiche with Regret" (1961)
A single slice of cold quiche floating in a void. Someone has taken a bite and instantly regretted it.

🖼
6. "Own Brand Beans" (1962)
A bean tin without a label. Warhol signed the tin itself. It's rumoured he wept during the sitting.

🖼
7. "Carrots in Cellophane" (1960)
Highly glossy. All 10 paintings in this series show the carrots arranged in different emotionally distant ways.

🖼
8. "Cheese Slice Quartet" (1958)
Four processed cheese slices, individually framed in gold. One slice is clearly weeping.

🖼
9. "Asda Muesli Meltdown" (1959)
Explosive motion lines. Oats raining down. A forgotten cereal bowl in the corner.

🖼
10. "Ready Salted Isolation" (1961)
A single crisp, centrally placed on red velvet. Signed only with a thumbprint.

🖼
11. "Milk (Gone Off)" (1960)
The milk is green. The date is scratched out. Warhol said it was “about time.”

🖼
12. "The Cucumber That Knew Too Much" (1962)
A lone cucumber wearing tiny reading glasses. The background is just supermarket floor tiles.

🖼
13. "Budget Sausages (Act II)" (1963)
Twelve sausages arranged like a Greek chorus. Unsettling symmetry. Raw.

🖼
14. "Mayonnaise (Lust)" (1959)
Eight jars in soft pink tones. The label just says: “Don’t open.”

🖼
15. "Eggs (Emotional Range)" (1960)
A dozen eggs, each painted with a different expression. Some are judging you.

🖼
16. "Tin Foil, Eternal" (1958)
A roll of foil, unwinding into forever. The original canvas was wrapped in foil and never unwrapped.

🖼
17. "Own-Brand Toothpaste (Mint-ish)" (1962) Smeared on the canvas. Blue, green, regret.

The Room of Lost Keys
Exhibit Type: Interactive Display / Impossible Archive

Security Level: Moderate (keys occasionally escape)

Soundtrack: The soft rattling of meaning Overview:

An unlit corridor. A dusty door. A faded label that simply says "Keys." Inside:

A velvet-draped chamber holding exactly 100 keys, each suspended in mid-air or pinned to decaying museum cards. Every key is said to open something — or nothing at all.

🔑
Selected Keys from the Room:
Key to Atlantis – Carved from barnacle, too wet to touch.
Key to Cinderella’s Other Shoe – Gilded and sticky, kept in a jam jar.

Key to the Eiffel Tower’s Broom Cupboard – Bent into the shape of a baguette. Key to a Future That Didn’t Happen – Glows faintly when ignored.
Key to the Cobbleditch Town Clock – Clock has no keyhole. Key has no purpose. Key to an Argument You Never Won – Rusts aggressively when remembered. Key to Every Vending Machine in Belgium – Somehow heavier than it looks.

Key to Mrs Crimped’s Secret Biscuit Tin – Tastes of betrayal.
Key to a Locked Diary Buried in 1962 – The diary has never been found.
Key to the Imagination of Barry (Not That One) – Whistles when near custard.

🧠
Theory:
The origin of the keys is unclear. Some say they arrive. Others believe they're slowly formed from lost intentions and broken promises. Occasionally, a visitor brings a key from their own pocket... and it refuses to leave.

🗣
Off the Record:
Rumour has it that if you find The Damp Yellow Glove among the exhibits, one of the keys will start to hum. At least two keys have been stolen, possibly by the man with seventeen umbrellas.

Every Tuesday, one key disappears. Every Thursday, a new one appears. Staff have stopped trying to stop it.

The Room of Mysterious Remotes
Exhibit Type: Experimental Tech / Psychic Electronics

Security Level: Low (nothing responds to these remotes) Lighting: Flickering tubes and static haze

🧰
Overview:
A long, narrow room. Carpeted in static. Lined with glass cabinets and labelled drawers. Inside: 100 strange remote controls, each with too many buttons, not enough logic, and absolutely no instructions.

Some have wires. Some are shaped like ducks. All have a button marked “?” and most were found in drawers that no longer exist. 📡
Selected Remotes from the Collection:
Remote #3 – Appears to control emotions in ducks. Use discouraged.
Remote #11 – Only button says “Undo Fern.” No further context.
Remote #22 – Once turned off every microwave in the village for 3 days.

Remote #39 – Controls volume on a dream you had in 1996.
Remote #45 – Shaped like a croissant. When pressed, smells of divorce. Remote #50 – Thought to rewind regret by three minutes. Currently jammed. Remote #59 – Only works in the presence of a trombone.
Remote #63 – Covered in velvet. Feeds pigeons when ignored.
Remote #77 – Possibly linked to the scream inside Barry (Not That One). Remote #81 – Features one button labelled “Tooth.” Still unexplained.

🧠
Theory:
Scholars believe the remotes are leftover relics from long-lost televisions of forgotten realities. Others think they are fragments of suppressed desires — manifesting as pocket-sized controls for lives we never lived.

🗣
Off the Record:
Staff have noticed Remote #91 changes the font of your inner monologue.
One remote is thought to control The Damp Yellow Glove, but only if used at 3:17 a.m.

Do not press Remote #100. It has no visible buttons and seems... aware.

The Drawer of Expired Loyalty Cards Exhibit Type: Surreal Commerce Archive

Security Level: Low (but heavily laminated)
Climate Controlled: Yes, smells faintly of wallets and regret

🗂
Overview:
A battered wooden drawer, placed on a plinth behind thick glass. Inside: 100 expired loyalty cards from long-defunct or entirely imaginary shops, secret societies, and services. Most are stamped, stickered, or scribbled on. Some are warm to the touch.

The drawer is open slightly — as if inviting you to take one last point.
🛍
Selected Cards from the Collection:
Sniffers: The Dog Perfume Boutique – One more spray and you’d have earned a chew-scented candle. Ye Olde Laser Tag & Podiatry – Cardholder: Sir Neville of Arch Pain. Rewards unclear.
Knit Me Up, Buttercup – 8th scarf was free if you could prove you were sad enough.

Crumbs & Regret Café – Redeem 10 scone crumbs for a full apology.
Hats For Owls – Buy 5 hats, get one monocle. Limited to barn owls.
Soup of the Month Club – August’s flavour: Indifference.
The Underground Disco for Librarians – Shhh... every dance earned a silent nod. SpudCoin – Potato-based cryptocurrency, lost value after the 2017 gravy crash. Bagpipes & Bagels – Every 9 bagels earned a single, unasked-for note of D .
♭
Eternal Bargain – Card glows. No one remembers signing up.

🧃
Other Notables Include:
The Afterlife Loyalty Club – 3 hauntings = free ectoplasm wash. Barry’s Inverted Spa – One loyalty stamp for every toe you un-soak.

Biscuits Anonymous – 6 meetings = mystery tin.
Cursed Currys (the electronics shop, not the food) – All TVs scream when turned on.

🗣
Off the Record:
Some cards update themselves.
One card from “Mum’s Friend Susan” offers unlimited tea, but only when you feel weirdly judged.

Several were found behind the radiator in the room of Mysterious Remotes.
The drawer occasionally closes on its own — usually when someone’s about to reach in.

Unsightly Swimming Trunks Worn by Men Through the Ages Exhibit Type: Fashion Catastrophe Collection

Security Level: Moderate (some trunks still damp) Temperature: Humid, with a faint whiff of regret

🧷
Overview:
An extensive and disturbing gallery of men’s swimwear decisions that time tried to forget — but Cobbleditch preserved. From Victorian knitted monstrosities to early-2000s neon horrors, each pair is mounted with loving embarrassment.

Some are behind glass. A few still drip.
🔟
Notable Entries:
The Woollen Wince (1871) – Full-body grey knit. Absorbed water like a sponge. Weighs 3 stone when wet. Union Jack Codpiece Briefs (1977) – Designed for Jubilee pool parties. Offensive from all angles.
The Transparent Plaid (1993) – Claimed to be waterproof. It wasn’t. Not even a bit.

The Trunk Tank (1912) – Metal-riveted denim shorts worn by swimmers of the “Canal Fighting Club.” Unsurprisingly banned. The Flip-Flop Hammock (2008) – Invented by mistake when two flip-flops and a shoelace fused in a tumble dryer.
Banana Surprise (1969) – Yellow velvet speedos with a zip. Contents best left unexamined.
Glow-in-the-Dark Net Shorts (1991) – Great for night swimming. Also for being escorted off beaches.

Thermal Corduroy Boardshorts (1983) – For men who feared breezes more than style.
The Holiday Dad Cargo Floaters (2002) – Contained 14 unusable pockets, one with a full pack of chewing gum still inside. The Suspicious Tie-Side (1974) – All string, no logic. Commonly untied by a passing breeze or cheeky seagull.

Off the Record:
Some trunks have names stitched inside (usually Derek or Gaz).
One pair still contains half a Fab ice lolly.
Several were recovered from Lost Property at Cobbleditch Lido, which mysteriously closed in 1986 after a “trunks incident.” There’s an unlabelled velvet pouch in the back corner. It moves slightly on hot days.

The Collection of Secret School Class Photos Exhibit Type: Historical Absurdities

Security Level: High — DO NOT STARE TOO LONG
Lighting: Flickering overhead strip light, humming ominously

📸
Overview:
These are class photos that should never have existed. Found buried beneath the old Cobbleditch Primary School boiler room,

each image contains something deeply wrong. Sometimes it's just a shadow. Other times, it's a child who's been scribbled out... but still seems to be waving.
They span decades, uniforms, and realities.

Some smell faintly of crumpets. One plays "Greensleeves" if shaken.

🧒
Notable Photos:
Class 3B (1961)
All 24 pupils share the same face.

The teacher has hooves.
Reception Group (1982)
3 children clearly floating. No one noticed at the time.
Year 6 Leavers (1974)
Caption reads “Have a nice time at Atlantis Secondary.”
The background is a coral reef.
Nursery Group (1957)
Photo taken from inside a cupboard. The children are outside, pointing.
Form 7 (1990)
A fire alarm goes off every time this one is unframed.
There’s a second version of the same photo with different children in it. No one knows who they are.
Class Unknown (Year smudged)
Everyone’s wearing tinfoil hats except for one child in Tudor dress. Inscription on the back simply reads: “DO NOT LET HER IN.”
PE Group Shot (1986)
12 children. 11 shadows.
The ball is on fire.
Miss Lopsy’s Infants (1993)
Each child is holding a balloon. The strings continue off-frame — upward.
No records of a Miss Lopsy exist.
The Class That Didn’t Laugh (2001)
Children are smiling, but upside down.
The blackboard behind them says, “Soon.”
School Orchestra (1978)
There’s no one in the photo. Just 26 instruments in mid-air.

🤫
Off the Record:
A former caretaker insists one child reappears in every decade, slightly taller and holding different sweets.

One photo has been sealed in lead since 2003. Opening it “caused all the school clocks to chime at once.”
The Cobbleditch Council once tried to digitise the photos. Every file corrupted, and a printer screamed.

Viewing all the photos in a row reportedly unlocks a memory of a school you never attended.

Awful deleted VHS/Betamax video films now out of circulation for obvious reasons
🧼
1. Grandma’s Elbow (1983)
A 90-minute close-up of a woman moisturising her elbow while humming. Dubbed “unwatchably intimate.” 🐙
2. Octopus Funeral (1978)
A solemn underwater drama about mollusc mourning rituals. Shot entirely in an uncleaned aquarium.
🚪
3. Knob Handles: The Movie (1984)
Literally just doors opening. With jazz.
🐄
4. Cow Cop (1992)
An actual cow in a police hat. No plot. No humans. No idea.
🐸
5. Toad Lawyer (1987)
The legal system as portrayed by amphibians. Everyone lost. Especially the audience.
📻
6. Radio Static: The Musical (1979)
An avant-garde experimental piece. Dialogue replaced with radio fuzz. 14 musical numbers. All static.
7. Kevin’s Mistake (1982)

Kevin buys the wrong ham. It ruins everything. EVERYthing.
🐷
8. Pigs in Space... on Holiday (1991)
A low-budget sci-fi spinoff. Features inflatable planets, sausages, and a romance subplot involving a beanbag. 👴
9. Grandpa Goes Backwards (1976)
He walks, talks, and ages in reverse. It never gets explained.
🎩
10. Hats Off (1980)
A noir mystery where the killer is allergic to hats. All the clues are bonnets.
🐌
11. Slug Wedding (1985)
In real-time. 3 hours. Slugs. No music.
🪑
12. The Chair That Hated Mondays (1988)
A haunted armchair with opinions. Opens with a monologue. Closes with a divorce.
👂
13. The Left Ear (1977)
A horror film where a detached ear listens to secrets and blackmails its former owner.
🕳
14. Hole Watchers (1990)
A team stares into mysterious holes. For 87 minutes. Nothing comes out. Credits roll.
15. War & Peace & Sausage (1969)

An unauthorized adaptation of Tolstoy, but rewritten around sausages. Surprisingly emotional. Still terrible. 👃
16. The Sniff (1974)
He sniffs. People cry. Nothing else happens.
🎤
17. Karaoke Knife Party (1996)
Singalongs + actual danger. Audience participation strongly discouraged.
18. Mirror Crimes (1993)

The killer is in the mirror, but refuses to come out. Over 60 minutes of coaxing.
📼
19. The Man Who Taped Things (1981)
He tapes chairs. Then people. Then metaphors. Nobody knows why.
🌭
20. Sausage Moon (1980)
A romantic fantasy where the moon is made of sausage and lovers must eat it to survive.
🎬
21. Schindler’s Shopping List (1993)
The heart-wrenching story of a man trying to buy milk, tissues, and a mysterious third item that never gets revealed. 🍔
22. There Will Be Burgers (2007)
Daniel Day-Lewis in a role he regrets. 3 hours of meat grilling. Oscar-winning chewing.
♂🧟
23. Dawn of the Slightly Unwell (1978)
Zombies with mild sniffles and seasonal fatigue. Lots of sneezing. No biting.
🎨
24. The Very Beige Hotel (2014)
A Wes Anderson knock-off where everything is brown and everyone mumbles in Excel spreadsheets.
🛸
25. ET: The Extra Toasty (1982)
He doesn’t want to phone home. He wants a panini. Burnt beyond belief.
🧊
26. Frozen Meat (2013)
Disney’s lowest moment. Elsa works in a butcher’s freezer and sings to a pork shoulder.

🕳
27. Interstellar 2: Still Lost (2016)
Everyone cries. No one explains the bookshelves. Matthew McConaughey becomes a cupboard.

🥚
28. Jurassic Yolk (1994)
Scientists clone a giant prehistoric omelette. It escapes.

💼
29. The Briefcase (2010)
A thriller about a man who carries a briefcase. He never opens it. Nobody asks why.

30. Lord of the Planks (2001)
A long-winded saga about sentient floorboards trying to return to IKEA.

🧅
31. The Onion King (1994)
A young onion must avenge his father. Everyone cries. Mostly the audience.

👽
32. Signs 2: Slightly Clearer (2004)
Aliens return with better grammar. Crop circles now just say "SORRY."

🧼
33. Fight Club: The Hygiene Cut (1999)
Every punch replaced with hand-washing. Still stars Brad Pitt. Now oddly wholesome.

🧀
34. Titanic 2: The Raftening (2010)
Jack is back. So is the door. Nobody learns anything.

🧸
35. Toy Story 5: Carpet Town (unreleased)
The toys get stuck under the sofa. It lasts 2 hours. Nobody survives.

💄
36. Pretty Dull Woman (1990)
She doesn’t shop. She doesn’t change. They just talk about wallpaper.

🚽
37. Inception 2: Flush (2014)
They go into dreams. Then further. Then accidentally into someone’s plumbing system.

🌲
38. Avatar: Fern Gully Returns (2009)
Blue people rediscover photosynthesis. Mostly dance to panpipes.

🦕
39. The Meg 2: Slightly Bigger (2023)
A shark with better marketing but worse dialogue. Ends with an off-screen splash.

🥪
40. The Blair Sandwich Project (1999)
Found footage of someone trying to find a Tesco meal deal in the woods.

🔫
41. No Time to Cry (2020)
James Bond faces his toughest foe: poor communication skills.

🐐
42. Silence of the Yams (1991)
Hannibal Lecter talks to root vegetables. They scream.

🎅
43. Die Soft (1988)
An action hero who’s too polite. Asks terrorists to stop nicely.

🏰
44. The Unbearable Weight of Nicolas Cage (2022)
Still Nicolas Cage. Still unbearable. Now weighs 3 tonnes.

🐠
45. Finding Memo (2003)
They lost the office memo. Whole company goes under.

🦵
46. Legs Wide Shut (1999)
An erotic thriller about stretching before yoga. Tom Cruise deeply regrets this one.

47. Saving Private Rhubarb (1998)
They storm the allotments. He’s in the jam aisle.

👩‍🎤
48. A Star is Slightly Bruised (2018)
She sings. He mumbles. They open a sad café in Leicester.

🚰
49. Reservoir Frogs (1992)
Amphibians in suits talk about tipping. Halfway through, they get eaten by a heron.

Bob Dylan – The Cobbleditch Bootleg Tapes
(Recorded behind the Mermaid’s Armpit Pub, 1971. All harmonica, no lyrics. Unreleased until found under a pub bench.) Blowing Through Onions
The Ballad of a Lost Key
Mushroom Blues (Part III)
Whispers from Fat Brian’s Shed
Goose at the Window
Song for an Abandoned Remote
Midnight Biscuit Lament
Badger’s Last Waltz
The Room of Trunks (Variation in C)
Who Took My Loyalty Card?
Endless Cobbleditch Rag

Beyoncé’s Lost Cobbleditch Dance Routine
(Discovered scribbled on a napkin in the Mermaid’s Armpit Pub. Rumoured to involve potatoes.)
Choreography Notes (napkin text, as found):
Step 1: Enter holding two potatoes, high above the head.
Step 2: Circle left, stomp twice, drop one potato dramatically.
Step 3: Spin, clutch remaining potato like it’s a microphone.
Step 4: Wave at the audience. Wave at the potato. Do not confuse.
Step 5: Potato roll across the floor. Follow it like destiny.
Step 6: Kneel, salute the potato, stand, repeat.
Step 7: Finish by throwing both hands in the air and shouting “Mash!”
Rumour: Witnesses claim she tried this routine once at Cobbleditch Village Hall in 2003. Audience “politely clapped, then demanded chips.” Status: Dangerous if performed near frying oil. Otherwise safe.

The Beatles’ Cobbleditch B-Sides (Entirely Kazoo)
(Recorded in a draughty Cobbleditch scout hut, 1965. All four Beatles armed with kazoos, no guitars allowed.)
Tracklist:
Kazoo Me Do
Norwegian Kazoo
Ticket to Kazoo
All You Need is Kazoo
While My Kazoo Gently Weeps
Kazoo in the Life
The Long and Kazoo Road
Yellow Kazoo Submarine
A Hard Kazoo’s Night
Kazoo Together
Rumours: George insisted it was “the purest form of music ever attempted.” Paul denies the tapes exist. Ringo keeps one under his pillow “for comfort.” Status: Safe, but audience members often leave humming uncontrollably for weeks.

Elvis Presley’s Cobbleditch Jumpsuits (All Sequins Peeling Off)
(Donated to the Cobbleditch Collection after a mysterious week-long stay in the Mermaid’s Armpit guest room, 1972.) Description:
Fifteen full-length jumpsuits, once dazzling, now leaving trails of sequins across the exhibit floor.
Colours range from “Burnt Mustard” to “Suspiciously Beige.”
Each bears the faint smell of chips and hair pomade.
Rumours:
Elvis supposedly wore the “Cobbleditch Sunburst” during an unconfirmed gig at the village fete.
Fat Brian claims he helped stitch one of the hems, though no one believes him.
Locals insist one suit still moves on its own during closing hours.
Status: Harmless, unless swallowed. Visitors advised not to inhale sequins.

The Room of Rejected Album Covers (1–50)
The Rolling Stones – Goose Soup (features an actual goose in sunglasses). Madonna – Like a Turnip (too earthy for the label).
Coldplay – Yellow 2 (Still Yellow) (just a crayon scribble).
Ed Sheeran – ÷÷÷÷÷ (printer jam on the cover).
Cliff Richard – Summer Holiday 5: Cobbleditch Edition (shot in the rain). Oasis – (What’s the Story) Cobbleditch Glory? (both brothers missing).
Blur – Parklife II: The Allotments (features a cabbage).
Adele – 301⁄2 (half a cover photo, cropped wrong).
Prince – Purple Spud (background entirely potatoes).
Elton John – Goodbye Cobbleditch Road (signpost points nowhere).
Taylor Swift – Speak Cobbleditch (smells faintly of onions).
ABBA – Water-LOO Roll (four of them sitting on toilets).
Beyoncé – Potato Formation (tubers instead of dancers).
Bob Dylan – Blowin’ in the Goose (a goose mid-flight, no Dylan).
Nirvana – Nevermash (baby chasing mashed potato).
Queen – Goose at the Opera (four geese in silhouette).
The Beatles – Onion Road (all four crossing on tiptoes).
Michael Jackson – Thriller (Cobbleditch Edit) (just him holding soup).
George Michael – Careless Chip Whisper (cover is a soggy chip).
David Bowie – The Cobbleditch Years (lightning bolt replaced by leek).
Lady Gaga – Meat Dress Unplugged (steak went off before the shoot).
Billie Eilish – When We All Fall Asleep, Where’s Fat Brian?
Harry Styles – Watermelon Potato High (artwork confused the fans).
Ariana Grande – 7 Cobbleditches (all look identical).
Metallica – Soup Magnetic (tin of Heinz drawn in biro).
Guns N’ Roses – Appetite for Mash (plate of lumpy potatoes).
Fleetwood Mac – Goose Rumours (just rumours written 500 times). Radiohead – OK Onion (photo of a giant onion crying).
Kanye West – My Beautiful Dark Twisted Cobbleditch (village sign graffitied). Justin Bieber – Goose World 2.0 (he’s hugging one, it’s unhappy).
The Who – Who’s Goose? (no one confirmed).
Bruce Springsteen – Born in Cobbleditch (flag swapped for a tea towel).
Paul McCartney – Band on the Soup (entire band sat in soup bowls).
Rolling Stones – Paint it Beige (cover accidentally faded).
Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, I’m Not a Badger
The Smiths – Meat is Goose (self-explanatory).
The Cure – Friday I’m in Cobbleditch (Robert Smith standing at the bus stop). The Doors – The Door Won’t Open (just a door, badly photographed).
Bon Jovi – Living on a Soup Prayer (features soup ladle wings).
Pink Floyd – The Dark Side of the Spud (triangle shoots mashed potato). Green Day – Dookie 2 (Now With Soup)
The Killers – Mr Cobbleditch Brightside (all four look miserable).
Blur – The Cobbleditch Life (man feeding a goose chips).
Oasis – Definitely Maybe Not Cobbleditch
Eminem – The Cobbleditch LP (photo taken in a launderette).
Snoop Dogg – Drop it Like a Goose (one goose mid-drop).
Dr Dre – 2001 (Cobbleditch Mix) (artwork is a leek).
Frank Sinatra – Cobbleditch, My Way (bad Photoshop of him at the Co-op). Dolly Parton – Jolene and the Goose (goose looks jealous).
Leonard Cohen – Songs of Cobbleditch (cover is just him frowning at soup).

The Room of Rejected Album Covers (51–100)
Britney Spears – Oops!... I Dropped My Soup Again (photo of spilled broth). Elton John – Candle in the Goose (awkward flame placement).
Queen – Fat Brian Will Rock You (local version, unlicensed).
Cher – If I Could Turn Back Onions (cover shot in a greengrocer’s).
Shakira – Hips Don’t Lie, Knees Do (bad Photoshop, knees bent backwards). ABBA – Dancing Beans (peas replaced the disco balls).
Bob Marley – Stir It Up (Potato Soup Version)
The Bee Gees – Stayin’ in Cobbleditch (all three stood by bus shelter).
Katy Perry – I Kissed a Turnip (unconvincing).
Meat Loaf – Bat Out of Soup (bat looks undercooked).
The Clash – London Cobbleditch Calling (guitar smashed into onions). Johnny Cash – Man in Spuds (he’s literally buried in potatoes).
The Velvet Underground – Banana in Cobbleditch (banana’s gone brown). Blur – Tender Goose (confused cover photo).
Oasis – All Around the Spuds
Ed Sheeran – Multiply Your Soup (maths symbols made of noodles). Madonna – Ray of Turnip (beam of light points to veg stall).
Billie Eilish – Bad Goose (honk mid-song).
Coldplay – Fix Soup (soup bowl on stool).
Spice Girls – Spice Rack (all labelled incorrectly).
Celine Dion – My Heart Will Honk (Titanic goose edit).
Arctic Monkeys – Goose Looks Good on the Dancefloor
Metallica – Enter Onion (very aggressive leek on cover).
Taylor Swift – 19891⁄2 (Cobbleditch Sessions)
Adele – Hello, Is It Soup You’re Looking For? (Lionel sued immediately). Bruce Springsteen – Ditch to Run (album cover is a muddy path). Radiohead – Creep (Potato Version) (cover is just mash).
Elvis Presley – Return to Cobbleditch (cheap postcard artwork).
Jay-Z – 99 Problems (All Soup)
Foo Fighters – The Colour and the Goose
Phil Collins – In the Air Tonight (It’s Just Soup Steam)
Guns N’ Roses – Welcome to the Turnip Farm
Fleetwood Mac – Goose Chain (necklaces of geese).
George Michael – Last Onion (Wham! Cobbleditch Mix)
Kylie Minogue – Can’t Get Cobbleditch Out of My Head
The Beatles – Onion Submarine (submarine made of vegetables).
Elton John – Tiny Turnip Dancer
Madonna – Cobbleditch Prayer
Bob Dylan – Goose Times They Are A-Changin’
Prince – When Doves Honk
Britney Spears – Toxic Tea (cover image: mouldy teacup).
Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Goose
Kanye West – Graduation (Potato Cover)
Dr Dre – The Chronic Goose
Snoop Dogg – Soup Doggystyle
Eminem – Lose Soup (cover has spoon slipping).
Queen – Bohemian Rhapsoupdy
Meat Loaf – I Would Do Anything for Soup (But Not That)
Leonard Cohen – Hallelujah Goose
Taylor Swift – Folklore: Cobbleditch Version (photo in local allotment).

The Room of Rejected Album Covers (101–150) U2 – How to Dismantle a Goose Bomb
Post Malone – Beerbongs & Onions
Mariah Carey – All I Want for Soup Is You David Bowie – The Goose Who Fell to Earth ABBA – Super Soup-er

Robbie Williams – Angels in Cobbleditch (Actual Pigeons) Green Day – Boulevard of Broken Tractors
Cher – Goose Believe
Whitney Houston – I Will Always Honk You

Blur – Country House, Cobbleditch Branch Shakira – Turnip Don’t Lie
Kraftwerk – Goosebahn
Daft Punk – Random Access Onions Madonna – Material Turnip

The Bee Gees – How Deep Is Your Soup? Nirvana – In Spudtero
Bruce Springsteen – Dancing in the Goose Elton John – Rocket Spud

The Doors – Break on Soup
Billie Eilish – Ocean Onion
Dolly Parton – 9 to 5 (In Soup)
Paul Simon – You Can Call Me Goose
Simon & Garfunkel – Bridge Over Honking Water Prince – Little Red Turnip

Beyoncé – Single Potatoes
George Ezra – Budapest (But Cobbleditch)
Arctic Monkeys – Do I Wanna Goose?
Michael Bublé – Soup Looks a Lot Like Christmas
Adele – Rolling in the Goose
Eminem – The Spaghetti Sessions (cover: just cold pasta). Oasis – Champagne Soup-ernova
Coldplay – Viva La Onion
Taylor Swift – Goose Space
Drake – Hotline Goose
Jay-Z – Blueprint 31⁄2 (Now With Spuds)
Britney Spears – Piece of Turnip
Metallica – Master of Soups
Guns N’ Roses – Goose Democracy
Fleetwood Mac – Big Spud Love
Radiohead – Kid Goose
Gorillaz – On Melancholy Mash
The Prodigy – Firestarter (Soup Mix)
Muse – Knights of Onionia
Red Hot Chili Peppers – Under the Goose Bridge
Foo Fighters – Learn to Honk
Justin Timberlake – Cry Me a Spud
Harry Styles – As It Soup
Olivia Rodrigo – Goose Licence
Kylie Minogue – Spinning Goose
Spice Girls – Goose Up Your Life

The Room of Rejected Album Covers (151–200)
Mr Blobby – Blobbeditch Blues (just a pink smear).
Crazy Frog – Axel Spud (green frog eating mash).
The Wurzels – I Am a Goose Man (tractor-themed honk fest).
Black Eyed Peas – Where Is the Goose?
Hanson – MMHonkkk
Village People – YMHonK
The Cheeky Girls – Touch My Goose
Rick Astley – Never Gonna Soup You Up
Steps – 5,6,7, Goose
Jedward – Goosequake
B*Witched – C’est La Spud
The Smurfs – Smurf Honk Parade
Crazy Town – Butterfly (But It’s a Goose)
The Darkness – I Believe in a Thing Called Honk
Weird Al Yankovic – Amish Goose
Spice Girls – Wannabe (Cobbleditch Mix) with onions in the background. Cliff Richard – Goose Christ Superstar
Status Quo – Whatever You Goose
Aqua – Barbie Goose
The Saturdays – Up! (Into Soup)
Sam Smith – Stay With Spud
Dido – White Flag, But It’s Soup-Stained
Busted – Year 3000 (Still No Soup)
McFly – Obviously Goose
S Club 7 – Reach (For the Soup Ladle)
Take That – Back for Spuds
Westlife – Flying Without Goose
Blue – One Love (One Goose)
All Saints – Pure Spud
Sugababes – Push the Goose Button
Girls Aloud – Sound of the Goose
Liberty X – Just a Goose Thing
Five – Keep on Goosein’
N-Sync – Bye Bye Goose
Backstreet Boys – I Want It Honk Way
New Kids on the Block – Step by Soup
One Direction – What Makes You Goose-iful
Little Mix – Shout Out to My Goose
JLS – Everybody in Soup Love
The Wanted – Glad You Goose
Geri Halliwell – It’s Raining Soup
Robbie Williams – Millennium (Of Onions)
P!nk – Just Give Me a Goose
Christina Aguilera – Genie in a Soup Pot
Britney Spears – Everytime (I Drop a Goose)
Lady Gaga – Poker Honk
Katy Perry – Teenage Soupdream
Rihanna – Goose Boy
Janet Jackson – Goose Control
Michael Bolton – How Am I Supposed to Soup Without You?

The Cobbleditch Eurovision Museum
(Entries that never made it to stage — preserved for baffled posterity.) Highlights include:
United Kingdom (1978): “Honk If You Love Me” — withdrawn after the live goose attacked the orchestra.
Finland (1985): “Potato Disco” — costume budget blew out after importing 400 tubers.
France (1991): “Ode to Soup” — lyrics described soup in 14 verses, no chorus.
Germany (1972): “Accordion of Love” — performers fought mid-song over whose turn it was to wheeze.
Italy (2004): “Pasta Forever” — disqualified when spaghetti cannon misfired into jury seats.
Spain (1999): “Dance of the Onion” — dancers fainted under onion garlands.
Iceland (2011): “Snow in My Pants” — too cold for broadcast regulations.
Turkey (1983): “Gobble Gobble Boom” — banned for unexplained pyrotechnics involving actual turkeys.
Sweden (1969): “ABBAcadabra (Draft Version)” — rejected, though later evolved into global success.
Ireland (1994): “Fat Brian’s Reel” — audience applause drowned out fiddler; still played at Cobbleditch ceilidhs.
Norway (2007): “The Moose Won’t Dance” — withdrawn when moose refused to rehearse.
Greece (1988): “Zorba the Slightly Tired” — tempo too slow, audience fell asleep.
Poland (1996): “Pierogi Shuffle” — choreography failed after dumplings stuck to floor.
Belgium (1975): “Chocolate For Two (But Not You)” — booed for excluding audience.
Cobbleditch (??): “Onion Moon Rising” — denied entry as Cobbleditch isn’t technically a country, despite 14 signatures and a borrowed kazoo. Rumours:
Taylor Swift once ghost-wrote an entry for Moldova, allegedly titled “Teardrops on My Goose.”
One unreleased Latvian tape simply features four men sneezing in harmony.
The Cobbleditch archive insists they still own the world’s largest stockpile of rejected Eurovision sequins.

The Cobbleditch Collection of Tupperware Lids (No Bases) (Unearthed piecemeal from cupboards, attics, and suspiciously sticky drawers all over the parish.)
Notable Lids & Their Alleged Owners:
The Wandering Lid of Fat Brian — last seen covering a trifle dish, then mysteriously appearing inside the postbox.
A cracked blue circle — once belonged to Mrs Pottle, who swore she “only ever had Pyrex.”
The Avocado Green Oval — traced back to Johns Kravens Badger, though he denies ever owning “anything so domestic.”
A lid with a bite mark — attributed to Aunt Clacket, who insists it was the dog. (She has no dog.)
The ‘Seal-Rite Supreme’ prototype — originally gifted to the Cobbleditch Council, later found in the Parish Hall lost property box.
The Transparent Square That Warps in Sunlight — claimed by the Mermaid’s Armpit pub landlord, used briefly as a beer mat.
The Odd Hexagonal Lid — source unknown, though a note pinned to it reads: “Return to Taylor Swift, please.”
The Red Circle That Hums — supposedly part of Marilyn Manson’s Cobbleditch picnic set.
A giant lid (approx. 4 feet across) — filed under “Too Large To Belong To Anyone.” Stored in the zoo for safety.
The Miniature Lid — belonged to the Cobbleditch School tuck shop, said to cover a single jelly bean.
Status: Harmless, but deeply unsatisfying.

The Muppet Exhibit That Wasn’t Approved
(Closed before it even opened. The paperwork alone is a legend.) Description:
Intended as a grand display of “all things Muppet,” the exhibit was scrapped after only three days.
Local council officials cited “inexplicable felt activity” and “unauthorised banjo strumming at night.”
Notable Problems During Setup:
Kermit was replaced by a suspiciously damp frog that only croaked “Cobbleditch.”
Miss Piggy’s dress kept wandering off by itself, allegedly to the pub. Gonzo’s stunt cannon fired continuously for twelve hours without ammo.
Animal (or possibly a large dog with cymbals) bit the Mayor.
One of the Statler & Waldorf figures heckled actual children. Rumoured Contributions:
Johns Kravens Badger attempted to add a papier-mâché Beaker that exploded when touched.
Fat Brian offered his “homemade Swedish Chef,” which was just him shouting “Bork” with soup ladles.
Status:

Exhibit permanently banned. The surviving puppets are kept in a locked crate in the zoo’s “Unsafe Room.” Visitors claim to hear muffled laughter at night.

Marvel’s Cobbleditch Timeline (All Heroes Replaced with Goats)
(A cinematic universe no one asked for, but Cobbleditch preserved anyway.)
Description:

A complete re-imagining of the Marvel saga, painstakingly redrawn by an unknown villager in biro and crayon, with every superhero replaced by a goat.
Key Installments:

Goatman: The First Avenger – Wears a shield made of cheese rind.
The Goatvengers Assemble – Entire battle scene disrupted by baa-ing. Thor: Hooves of Thunder – Struggles to hold Mjölnir, but eats the handle.
Iron Goat – Constantly chews wires, refuses to fly.
Doctor Strangehorn – Opens portals to fields and occasionally to Fat Brian’s shed.
Spider-Goat: Into the Cobbleditch Verse – Gets stuck in his own wool. The Goatpool Chronicles – Breaks the fourth wall to complain about hay quality.
Guardians of the Goat-laxy – Features a talking onion instead of Groot. Captain Marvelous Goat – Glows faintly when nervous.
Avengers: End Graze – Half the goats disappear into another meadow. Rumours:
Johns Kravens Badger claims the manuscript was delivered by an actual goat in a cape.
Disney lawyers once visited Cobbleditch but left confused after being offered turnips in exchange for silence.
A final, unfinished script titled “The Fantastic Four Hooves” exists, but is locked away in the zoo’s Dangerous Room.
Status: Safe for display, though small children occasionally try to ride the Iron Goat.

Hall of Unsuccessful Superhero Capes
(A fluttering reminder that not every hero should accessorise.) Description:

A long, drafty corridor in Cobbleditch Zoo where hundreds of abandoned, ill-fated superhero capes hang from hooks. Each tells a story of failure, embarrassment, or poor tailoring.

Hall of Unsuccessful Superhero Capes
(Every hook a cautionary tale.)
The Self-Ironing Cape – Burst into flames mid-rescue.
The Invisibility Cape – May still be on display. Nobody knows.
The Cape of Eternal Static – Cats cling to it like Velcro.
Fat Brian’s Homemade Cape – Old bedspread, gravy stains included.
The Lead-Lined Cape – Grounded every attempt at flight.
The Soup Cape – Designed to carry broth. Scalded its wearer.
The Magnetic Cape – Firmly attached itself to lampposts.
Taylor Swift’s Trial Cape – Sparkled so brightly it blinded her dancers.
The Cape of Slight Delays – Arrived seconds after every emergency. The Scarf Cape – Refused to flutter, demanded to be knotted.
The Inflatable Cape – Floated off without its owner.
The Whispering Cape – Repeated secrets loudly in public.
The Reverse Cape – Always flew into the wearer’s face.
The Cape of Too Many Pockets – Collapsed under the weight of snacks.
Johns Kravens Badger’s Prototype – Smelled strongly of onions. The Lava Cape – Looked dramatic but melted floors.
The Cape of Endless Zips – None of them opened.
The Mini Cape – Barely covered the wearer’s neck.
The Umbrella Cape – Poked bystanders constantly.
The Talking Cape – Wouldn’t stop criticising costume choices.
The Concrete Cape – Cracked pavements on landing.
The Cape of Continuous Applause – Clapped loudly in theatres. The Towel Cape – Still damp from Cobbleditch swimming pool.
The Candle Cape – Wax dripped everywhere.
The Overly Patriotic Cape – Played the national anthem at 4 a.m. The Transparent Cape – Just made everyone feel awkward.
The Souped-Up Cape 2.0 – Sprayed gravy instead of broth.
The Kite Cape – Carried the hero away during storms.
The Sticky Cape – Permanently attached to trousers.
The Velvet Cape – Shed fluff all over villains.
The Disco Cape – Flashed lights until seizures ensued.
The Goose Cape – Contained an actual goose.
The Mirror Cape – Blinded allies more than enemies.
The Feather Cape – Caused continuous sneezing.
The Smouldering Cape – Smoked even when damp.
The Accordion Cape – Played polkas mid-flight.
The Glow-in-the-Dark Cape – Attracted moths by the hundreds. The Cardboard Cape – Collapsed in rain.
The Electric Cape – Short-circuited whenever hugged.
The Bedazzled Cape – Too heavy to lift.
The Soup Cape Mark III – Exploded under pressure.
The Inflamed Cape – Burst into spontaneous song instead of flames.
The Cape of Mild Breeze – Never fluttered properly.
The Crocheted Cape – Knitted too tightly, cut off circulation.
The Banana Cape – Slipped constantly, smelled odd.
The Origami Cape – Refolded itself every five minutes.
The Cape of Continuous Apologies – Whispered “sorry” on repeat. The Double-Length Cape – Tripped both hero and bystanders.
The Soup Cape XL – Enough broth for a village, but unwearable. The Final Cape – Displayed in a locked glass case, label reads: “Do Not Touch. Unknown Consequences.”

Rumours:
One cape still flaps at night, though there’s no wind.
Johns Kravens Badger insists he saw Elvis wearing one in Cobbleditch, but no one believes him.
A locked glass case contains “The Cape of Unknown Consequences.” Nobody dares open it.
Status: Safe for display. Visitors must sign a waiver in case of static shocks.

The Room of Inflatable Fashion Experiments
(Puffed-up couture, banned from public wear after several incidents on the High Street.)
Description:

A sealed chamber filled with the most ill-advised attempts to combine air pumps with haute couture. The Cobbleditch Fashion Guild insists none of these were ever officially endorsed, though Aunt Clacket claims she “saw them on the catwalk behind the butcher’s.”

Highlights:
The Inflatable Evening Gown – rose 15 feet in the air during a parish ball, taking the Mayor with it.
Puffer Trousers – once inflated so wide they blocked traffic for three hours.
The Self-Filling Hat – grew to the size of a bouncy castle.
Fat Brian’s Inflatable Cape – doubled as a lilo, but squeaked uncontrollably.
Bubble Socks – popped every time the wearer walked near nettles. The Cobbleditch School Inflatable Blazer – intended for swimming lessons, floated the headmaster into a tree.
Elvis Presley’s Alleged Inflatable Jumpsuit – sequins flew off at speed, injuring several goats.
The Inflatable Petticoat of 1973 – responsible for “The Great Cobbleditch Tea Spill.”
The Inflatable Bow Tie – so loud when deflating it set off the fire alarm.
The Tragic Inflatable Wedding Dress – exploded during the vows, showering guests in confetti and static electricity.
Rumours:
Johns Kravens Badger claims there’s still an inflatable kilt hidden in the archives, too dangerous to display.
Some garments re-inflate at night, despite being punctured.
One visitor reported faint giggling from the Inflatable Petticoat when left alone.
Status: Strictly viewing only. Absolutely no sharp objects allowed inside.

The Gallery of Bad Celebrity Perfumes
(An assault on the senses, bottled for eternity.)
Elton John – “Rocket Musk”: Petrol, glitter, faint singed piano.
Gordon Ramsay – “Essence of Swear Words”: Burnt toast and fury.
Paris Hilton – “Cobbleditch Dreams”: Burnt popcorn with sugar.
Nicolas Cage – “Face Off Fresh”: Comes in two bottles, neither right.
Fat Brian – “Soup Noir”: Damp socks and chicken stock.
Piers Morgan – “Smug”: Strong, oily, impossible to wash off.
Madonna – “Like a Cologne”: Constantly leaking bottle.
Tom Jones – “It’s Not Unusual, It’s Garlic”: Garlic and aftershave.
Taylor Swift – “Fart No. 5”: A suspicious mist.
Johns Kravens Badger – “Eau de Badger”: Earthy, overwhelming, faint bite marks. David Beckham – “Football Mud”: Smells like wet pitch and regret.
Cher – “Believe in Musk”: Thick cloud that never leaves.
Kanye West – “Yeezy Breeze”: Smells of plastic trainers.
Simon Cowell – “Eau de Veto”: Sharp citrus, immediate headache.
Dolly Parton – “9 to 5 and Pine”: Pine cleaner, too concentrated.
Harry Styles – “Watermelon Gone Off”: Sweet then sour.
Justin Bieber – “Oops”: Candyfloss mixed with bleach.
Adele – “Hello (From the Fridge)”: Sour milk and sorrow.
Lady Gaga – “Meat Mist”: Raw steak in a spray.
Prince Charles – “Royal Compost”: Peat and cucumber sandwiches.
Rihanna – “Umbrella Spray”: Metallic rainwater.
Ozzy Osbourne – “Bat Breath”: Musky leather and panic.
Ed Sheeran – “Ginger Zing”: Too much cinnamon, burns nostrils.
Mariah Carey – “High Note”: Smells like glass shattering.
Michael Bublé – “Christmas in a Bottle”: Eggnog and disappointment.
Kim Kardashian – “Kash Kow”: Vanilla and pure plastic.
Post Malone – “Sticky”: Beer, cigarettes, warm cola.
Celine Dion – “My Heart Smells On”: Overpowering rose.
Usher – “Sweat”: Literal sweat in a fancy bottle.
Ariana Grande – “Ponytail”: Hairspray and marshmallow.
Britney Spears – “Toxic (Reissue)”: Chemical peach.
Shakira – “Hip Musk Don’t Lie”: Sharp peppermint, unsettling.
Meghan Markle – “Royal Exit”: Airplane cabin smell.
Kylie Minogue – “Locomotion Lotion”: Bubblegum diesel.
Johnny Depp – “Sauvage-ish”: Sand, stale cigarettes.
Jennifer Lopez – “On the Floorboards”: Dust and cheap wood polish.
Elvis Presley – “Suspicious Scent”: Banana and suede.
Bruce Springsteen – “Born to Reek”: Sweat, denim, petrol.
Billy Eilish – “Oceans Eyes Shut”: Saltwater and candle wax.
Mick Jagger – “Rolling Musk”: Old leather and broken amps.
Kylie Jenner – “Influencer”: Generic sugar, faint despair.
Snoop Dogg – “Gin & Juice No. 2”: Sticky citrus, faint weed haze.
Florence Welch – “Howl”: Wet forest and incense, overpowering.
Eminem – “Lose Your Scent”: Burnt spaghetti and anger.
Mariah Carey (Deluxe) – “Shrill Mist”: Screeches louder than the first.
Coldplay – “Yellow (Stain)”: Mustard and rain.
Axl Rose – “Sweet Smell o’ Mine”: Roses, petrol, sweat.
Beyoncé – “Single Spray”: Potatoes (Cobbleditch routine inspired).

The Cobbleditch Crown Jewels (glued together with Pritt Stick) (“They sparkle, but only if you don’t touch them.”) Description:

Housed in the Vault Room, these jewels are a peculiar rival to their London counterparts. They were originally designed by Vivienne Westwood’s pet stoat, who sketched the plans during a brief stint in Cobbleditch after escaping a fashion show. The final pieces were assembled at the village fête, using a raffle prize of “miscellaneous jewellery” and a family-sized pack of Pritt Stick.
Notable Items in the Collection:
The Cobbleditch Crown — tin bent into shape, rhinestones glued to a tea strainer.
The Orb of Soup — a gravy boat with marbles permanently stuck to the rim.
The Sceptre of Slight Inconvenience — broom handle wrapped in foil, always squeaks in doorways.
The Necklace of Twenty Buttons — Fat Brian’s shirt buttons, still faintly greasy.
The Royal Slippers — glued to the floorboards, causing at least three trips a week.
Legends:
Johns Kravens Badger claims the stoat demanded royalties, but settled for a scarf.
Some villagers insist the Pritt Stick was magical, explaining why the jewels squeak at night.
The missing Brooch of Infinite Queues is rumoured to still be stuck to the old bus timetable.
Status:

On display, triple-glassed, mostly to keep the smell of Pritt Stick contained.

The Room of 23 Incorrect Maps
(They look important, but none of them will get you where you want to go.)
The Goonies Treasure Map – routes to One-Eyed Willy’s ship... until it veers sharply toward the Swaffham Morrison’s car park. Mercator’s World (1569) – Greenland is vast, Africa shrinks, and Weymouth is placed somewhere in the Amazon. Waldseemüller’s 1507 Map – first to name “America,” but Bexleyheath is boldly marked where Mexico should be.
Fra Mauro Map (1450) – south-up and confusing; Dartford appears three times, none of them correct.
Piri Reis Map (1513) – fragments of South America... plus a sketch of Erith pier jutting into Antarctica.
Babylonian World Map – tiny circle of the world; Crayford has been added in handwriting from a biro.
Ptolemy’s Geographia – early longitude/latitude; Great Yarmouth is inexplicably plotted in North Africa.
Hereford Mappa Mundi – Jerusalem in the centre, except someone scratched in Orpington instead.
Gall–Peters Projection – correct areas, wrong proportions; Swaffham balloons to the size of Spain. Eratosthenes’ World Map – ancient attempt at accuracy; Weymouth listed twice, neither near the coast.
Anaximander’s Map – crude outlines; Dartford sits where India should be.
Tabula Peutingeriana – Roman roads; Crayford shown as a major Roman hub, linked by a motorway.
Al-Idrisi’s Map (1154) – south-oriented; Bexleyheath takes the place of Mecca.
Charles Booth’s Poverty Map – London colour-coded by wealth; Orpington is shaded purple, meaning “mild confusion.”
John Snow’s Cholera Map – famous dots of infection; every case clusters around a pub in Erith.
William Smith’s Geological Map (1815) – foundation of geology; Dartford is labelled “made of biscuits.”
Google Maps Printout (2005) – looks normal until every route defaults to “Great Yarmouth Seafront.”
Equal Earth Projection – area-true map; Crayford swells to half of Brazil.
Lincoln’s “Slave Map” – demographic map; someone scribbled “Swaffham Goose Density” across it.
Time Magazine D-Day Map – troop arrows; one arrow lands squarely in Bexleyheath shopping centre.
Maggiolo Wall Map (1531) – renaissance chart; Orpington is marked as a major spice port.
Martellus Map (1491) – the map Columbus used; Weymouth is labelled “Land of Wonder.”
Split Display: Mercator vs Equal Earth – comparison of projections, except both feature Crayford floating in the Pacific Ocean.

Archive of National Anthems Nobody Knows
(Housed in a dusty listening booth, where the records always skip.) Liechtenstein’s Anthem (1970 recording) – mistakenly performed to the tune of “Happy Birthday.”
San Marino’s Anthem – sheet music survives, but all lyrics replaced with shopping lists.
Andorra’s Anthem – played entirely on kazoo, believed to be a gift from Orpington Scouts.
Vanuatu’s First Draft Anthem – chorus simply repeats “Is this loud enough?”
Swaffham Town Council Anthem (unofficial) – accordion-led, lyrics about bin collections.
Bhutan’s Anthem (lost verse) – hand-written on the back of a receipt for potatoes.
Great Yarmouth Civic Anthem – brass band recording ends abruptly when a seagull steals the tuba.
Kazakhstan’s Alternate Anthem (unused) – composed for Eurovision but rejected for being “too disco.”
Bexleyheath Anthem (choral version) – lasts 47 minutes, mostly humming.
Antarctica’s Imaginary Anthem – invented by a Cobbleditch tourist, whistled during snowstorms.

Police Files: “Is Björk a Pixie, a Nymph, a Faerie, or Drunk?” (Confidential... until someone left it on a bus in Reykjavík.) Description:

A battered grey filing cabinet, its drawers labelled in smudged biro: Pixie, Nymph, Faerie, and Drunk. The case spans decades, with reports from across Iceland. None reach a conclusion.
Key Findings (as filed):

1994, Akureyri Incident Report – “Subject observed singing to a lamppost during snowfall. Possible pixie behaviour.”
1997, Ísafjörður File – “Witnesses claim she turned into mist over the harbour. Recommend: classify as nymph.”

2001, Seyðisfjörður Note – “Local festival disrupted. Some insist she’s a faerie. Others shrugged and danced anyway.”
2007, Keflavík Record – “Customs officer reports: subject laughed at the x-ray machine. Possibly drunk.”

2012, Selfoss Supplement – “Witness: subject vanished behind a waterfall. Only a swan feather left.”
2019, Egilsstaðir Draft Report – “Choir rehearsal interrupted when subject began singing to potatoes. No conclusion reached.” Status:

Filed under “Unsolved Mysteries.” Half the pages smell faintly of cod, and one is still glowing faintly green.

The Museum of Forgotten Dictator Moustaches
(Sealed in glass, brushed once a week by nervous interns.) Description:

A dimly lit hall lined with velvet cases, each containing a moustache that history forgot—or wisely ignored. None are labelled with politics, only with style. Visitors are reminded not to laugh too loudly; the moustaches are said to twitch in response.
The 17 Moustaches:
The Crooked Comet of Vladislav the Vague – points east on Mondays, west on Thursdays.
The Soup-Spoiler of General Porridge – permanently crusted.
The Wax Disaster of Colonel Crayfish – flammable.
The Whisper-Tickler of Señor Bananas – once outlawed in Orpington.
The Thundercloud of Major Spoons – blocks most daylight.
The Pencil Stub of Admiral Glum – never grew past the lip line.
The Forked Menace of Duke Buttonhole – looked like a tuning fork. The Coffee-Stain of Herr Schnitzelmann – never washed.
The Melancholy Wave of Tsar Duvet – drooped into tea.
The Croissant of King Barry I – flaky at best.
The Hedgehog Remnant of Marshal Knickers – rumoured to hiss. The Oil-Slick of Chairman Splodge – required constant mopping. The Inverted Frown of President Kumquat – grew upside down.
The Sudden Vanisher of Lord Chalk – shaved itself in protest.
The Ragged Banner of Sultan Biscuit – birds nested in it.
The Pointless Tick of Emperor Jarvis – mistaken for dirt.
The Eternal Curl of General Soupbone – still curling in its glass case. Rumours:
Hair samples twitch under moonlight.
The Soup-Spoiler is missing three bristles, suspected stolen by tourists.
No one has dared try them on—except Fat Brian, once, briefly.

The Calendar of TV Oddities: The Day “Only Fools and Horses” Never Aired
(Filed under: suspicious scheduling decisions.)
Description:

A cracked wall calendar hangs in a lonely corridor. Every page is stamped with BBC repeats of Only Fools and Horses — Christmas specials, reruns, late-night filler. Every date is ticked, circled, or scribbled on. Except one.

April 1st.
The day has never carried a broadcast repeat. Archivists mutter about “avoiding the obvious gag,” while others insist Del Boy himself cursed the date after falling through the bar one too many times.
Rumours:
One lost tape allegedly did air on April 1st, 1989, but only in Swaffham.
A memo in the BBC archives reads simply: “Don’t tempt fate.”
The missing April slot is now held open in Cobbleditch for future study, though the VHS case inside contains only a potato.

The Cobbleditch Denim Disaster Collection
(An exhibition in poor taste and poorer tailoring.) Description:

Housed in the mixed-gender toilets, strung along a creaking clothes rail that squeaks at every step. This “collection” represents the very worst attempts at denim ever stitched, sewn, or stapled together. Visitors are advised not to stare too long.

Highlights Include:
The Triple-Knee Jeans – nobody asked, nobody needed. Stonewashed Dungarees of Doom – straps snap on contact. Velcro Fly Experiments – lasted only two wears, both regretted. Denim Speedos – outlawed in Great Yarmouth, still damp.
The Twelve-Pocket Jacket – not one pocket useful.
Acid Wash Cloak – melted on first wash.
Denim Tie & Matching Socks – too cursed to be worn together. Bexleyheath “All-in-One” Jumpsuit – allegedly caused fainting. The Orpington Denim Cape – never flew, always frayed.
Great Yarmouth Hotpants (1974) – withdrawn after public complaints.
Status:

Still smells faintly of fabric softener and regret. Patrons using the facilities are reminded: do not touch the rail. The jeans sometimes whisper.

Shelf of Sauces Nobody Finished
(Collected globally, abandoned locally.)
Sriracha (Thailand) – lid permanently glued shut.
HP Sauce (Birmingham, UK) – bottle sticky since 1983.
Tabasco (Louisiana, USA) – three drops used, then feared.
Reggae Reggae Sauce (London, UK) – bought during a TV craze, never emptied.
Cholula (Mexico) – tilts its wooden cap in disapproval.
Soy Sauce Sachet (Tokyo, Japan) – one tear corner, no pour.
Frank’s RedHot (Buffalo, USA) – keeps whispering “put me on everything.” Nobody listens.
Peri-Peri Sauce (Nando’s, South Africa/UK) – abandoned mid-heat scale.
Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ (Chicago, USA) – half-empty, entirely sticky. Worcestershire Sauce (Worcester, UK) – still “best before” 1972. Chimichurri (Buenos Aires, Argentina) – separated into three mysterious layers. ́
Fish Sauce (Phú Quôc, Vietnam) – scent alone clears a room. Mustard Sauce (Dijon, France) – dried solid, now ornamental. Tzatziki-In-A-Bottle (Athens, Greece) – rejected by every fridge it entered.
Hoisin Sauce (Hong Kong) – sticky lid, contents fossilised.
Chutney (Delhi, India) – jar fused to its shelf.
Salsa Verde (Madrid, Spain) – colour unnatural, glow increasing. Gravy Sauce (Manchester, UK) – once liquid, now sculpture.
Buffalo Wing Sauce (New York, USA) – tasted once, “too orange.” Satay Sauce (Jakarta, Indonesia) – split into oil, paste, and regret. Kimchi Sauce (Seoul, South Korea) – fermented itself into something else.
Mole Sauce (Oaxaca, Mexico) – eaten once, feared forever.
Aioli Squeeze Tube (Barcelona, Spain) – leaks garlic at random. Wasabi Paste (Osaka, Japan) – hardened into a small green brick. Tartar Sauce (London, UK) – bought with fish fingers, forgotten immediately.
Remoulade (Copenhagen, Denmark) – tastes only of sadness.
Curry Ketchup (Berlin, Germany) – nobody remembers why it exists. Tahini Sauce (Beirut, Lebanon) – half-used, then crystallised.
Salsa Roja (Tijuana, Mexico) – lid whines when twisted.
Peanut Sauce (Amsterdam, Netherlands) – became immovable after 2 weeks.
Cranberry Sauce (Massachusetts, USA) – used once at Christmas, abandoned.
Mystery Sauce (Cobbleditch) – label fell off, sauce ate it.

Archive of Village Hexes – 50 Surreal Curses From Around the World
Europe
The Parisian Croissant Curse (1894): every croissant baked in Montmartre folded itself inside out.

The Dublin Umbrella Hex (1962): all umbrellas snapped open indoors, never outdoors.
The Berlin Sausage Whisper (1937): bratwursts began muttering stock market predictions.

26. The New York Hotdog Hex (1973): hotdogs whispered bad poetry.

27. The Los Angeles Seagull Curse (1992): gulls stole sunglasses but returned wallets.

28. The Chicago Pizza Hex (1980): deep dish bases hardened into cobblestones.

29. The Toronto Maple Syrup Curse (1907): syrup bottles stuck to ceilings.

30. The Mexico City Taco Hex (1889): tacos rearranged themselves alphabetically.
South America

The Lisbon Sardine Spell (2001): sardines sang lullabies, keeping
fishermen awake.
TheWarsawHatHex(1789):allhatsturnedintopigeonsatfunerals. 31.TheRioSambaCurse(1954):everyonesneezedinrhythmwith

UK & Ireland
6. The Orpington Biscuit Ban (1904): biscuits crumbled the instant

tea was poured.
7. The Swaffham Yawn (1978): nobody could finish a sentence

without yawning.
8. The Great Yarmouth Fish Curse (1999): haddock developed a

faint taste of shoe polish.
9. The Dartford Sock Swap (1923): socks swapped feet at midnight,

no exceptions.
10. The Bexleyheath Goose Glare (1867): geese stared accusingly at

one man until exile. Scandinavia

11. The Oslo Snow Sneer (1956): snow refused to fall straight, drifting sideways into faces.

12. The Reykjavik Puffin Hex (2010): puffins followed tourists, repeating only their worst secrets.

13. The Helsinki Coffee Curse (1883): coffee boiled itself whenever left unattended.

14. The Copenhagen Pastry Flicker (1975): icing jumped onto nearby trousers.

15. The Stockholm Tram Rhyme (1968): every tram conductor spoke only in limericks.
Asia

16. The Tokyo Noodle Loop (1911): ramen noodles slithered back into the bowl mid-bite.

17. The Delhi Mango Hex (1734): mangoes emitted goat noises when sliced.

18. The Beijing Fan Curse (1805): paper fans spun by themselves, smacking dignitaries.

19. The Seoul Kimchi Shiver (1999): kimchi jars rattled whenever someone said “cheese.”

20. The Bangkok Tuk-Tuk Hex (1987): every journey ended two streets early.
Africa

21. The Cairo Camel Curse (1921): camels sneezed sandstorms during market days.

22. The Lagos Drum Hex (1965): all drums played lullabies, even in war dances.

23.TheNairobiShoeCurse(1948):leftshoessqueakedlikerubber ducks.

24. The Cape Town Penguin Hex (2007): penguins formed orderly queues at banks.

25. The Marrakech Carpet Spell (1810): rugs refused to stay on floors, hovering sulkily.
North America

samba drums.
32. The Buenos Aires Tango Hex (1972): chairs paired off and

danced during meals.
33. The Lima Potato Spell (1842): potatoes spelled rude words in

markets.
34. The Santiago Hat Hex (1960): bowler hats spun like tops when

removed.
35. The Bogotá Coffee Curse (1995): every cup poured itself half

full, never more. Oceania

36. The Sydney Kangaroo Hex (1933): kangaroos hopped backwards on public holidays.

37. The Auckland Sheep Curse (1969): sheep bleated the national anthem at midnight.

38. The Melbourne Tram Hex (2001): tickets screamed when punched.

39. The Fiji Coconut Curse (1877): coconuts laughed when cracked open.

40. The Perth Sand Hex (1988): beaches rearranged into smiley faces at dawn.
Middle East

41. The Jerusalem Olive Curse (1709): olives rolled uphill.

42. The Tehran Carpet Whisper (1823): rugs whispered directions to nowhere.

43. The Istanbul Baklava Hex (1915): syrup spilled only on important documents.

44. The Dubai Sandstorm Spell (2005): storms spelled out phone numbers in dunes.

45. The Beirut Falafel Hex (1978): falafel bounced off plates onto roofs.
Miscellaneous Global Oddities

46. The Antarctic Penguin Glare (2011): emperor penguins judged tourists’ shoes.

47. The Sahara Mirage Hex (1890): mirages only showed empty Tesco car parks.

48. The Amazon Rain Hex (1939): rainclouds sang lullabies in Portuguese.

49. The Transylvanian Garlic Spell (1602): garlic cloves giggled in stewpots.

50. The Icelandic Björk Hex (2004): villagers debated whether she was pixie, faerie, or drunk — curse still unresolved.

The Cobbleditch Troll Bridge Exhibit (Closed for maintenance. Permanently.) Description:

A roped-off section of the Zoo containing a single, mossy wooden bridge that goes nowhere. A faded sign warns: “Do not cross. Do not knock. Do not feed.”
The bridge creaks constantly, even when nobody’s on it. From beneath, muffled grumbling can be heard — demands for payment in buttons, biscuits, or occasionally dental floss. Nobody has ever seen the troll, but several villagers report losing shoes, umbrellas, or dignity when attempting to pass.
Collected Items in the Exhibit:
A jar of toll receipts (mostly scribbles and drawings of geese). Seven missing socks allegedly claimed as payment.
The Mayor’s lost hat, chewed at the brim.
A wooden sign reading: “Closed by Order of Cobbleditch Council” (scratched out by large claws).
Rumours:
The troll is actually three smaller trolls stacked in a raincoat. Once accepted a slice of Battenberg cake as payment, but only once.
Fat Brian claims he crossed successfully by singing the national anthem of Dartford.

Collection of Abandoned Lunchboxes (Real Editions) Star Wars (1977 metal tin, Thermos included)

Contents: A petrified ham sandwich with lightsaber-shaped toothpicks. Owner: Claimed to be Mark Hamill’s nephew.
Condition: Glowing faintly.

Barbie (1984 pink plastic with sparkles)
Contents: A slice of bright pink Battenberg cake, gone rigid. Owner: Left behind at a Cobbleditch fête by Geri Halliwell. Condition: Still smells of perfume.

Ghostbusters (1986 metal)
Contents: A packet of marshmallows, melted into one giant “Stay Puft lump.” Owner: Once belonged to Bill Murray’s assistant.
Condition: Expands in humid weather.

The A-Team (1983 metal with van design) Contents: Beef jerky labelled “Property of Mr T.” Owner: Found in Johns Kravens Badger’s garage. Condition: Too tough to chew.

My Little Pony (1985 pastel tin)
Contents: Cupcake wrappers, still glittery.
Owner: Rumoured to be donated by Taylor Swift as a child. Condition: Frosting fossilised.

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe (1985)
Contents: A Babybel cheese with “By the power of Gouda!” carved in it. Owner: Fat Brian’s cousin allegedly.
Condition: Wax wrapper intact, cheese suspicious.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 plastic with pizza graphic) Contents: Half a pepperoni slice fossilised into the lid. Owner: Left on set of the 1990s cartoon dubbing.
Condition: Pizza squeaks when touched.

Care Bears (1983 rainbow tin)
Contents: Rainbow Nerds fused into a single sugar brick. Owner: Aunt Clacket swears it was hers.
Condition: Sticky forever.

E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial (1982 metal)
Contents: One cracked Reese’s Pieces, faintly humming. Owner: Drew Barrymore’s “spare” lunch.
Condition: Definitely alive.

Peanuts / Snoopy (1970s)
Contents: One petrified peanut butter sandwich, bite taken. Owner: Paul McCartney’s “vegetarian” lunchbox, unconfirmed. Condition: Crunches like gravel.

Transformers (1987)
Contents: Crisps packet containing only air that whispers “Autobots...” Owner: A child in Orpington once tried to return it.
Condition: Packaging indestructible.

The Smurfs (1982 metal)
Contents: Blue jelly that stained the hinges. Owner: From a Cobbleditch raffle prize. Condition: Still staining fingers.

ThunderCats (1986)
Contents: Cheese string sharpened into a “Sword of Omens.” Owner: Lionel Ritchie’s roadie supposedly.
Condition: Breaks into crumbs.

Pac-Man (1980 arcade tie-in box)
Contents: Rows of Smarties, all red, forming a maze. Owner: Donated by a kid in Bexleyheath.
Condition: Some missing (probably eaten by ghost).

Fraggle Rock (1983)
Contents: A lump of radish pie.
Owner: Sent in by Jim Henson’s estate (unverified). Condition: Emits faint music.

Barney the Dinosaur (1992 plastic)
Contents: Purple custard tart.
Owner: Found in Weymouth, still wrapped. Condition: Tart repeats “I love you” when poked.

Batman (1989 movie box)
Contents: Banana blackened into bat-shape. Owner: Said to be Keaton’s.
Condition: Cracks like leather.

The Simpsons (1990s metal)
Contents: Green hot dog.
Owner: Matt Groening doodled on the lid. Condition: Refuses to decompose.

Jurassic Park (1993)
Contents: Hard-boiled egg that occasionally roars. Owner: Jeff Goldblum “forgot it.”
Condition: Vibrates in the case.

Power Rangers (1994)
Contents: Glowing jelly cube.
Owner: Found in Dartford school canteen. Condition: Emits faint “Go Go” hum.

Collection of Abandoned Lunchboxes (21–40) Indiana Jones (1981 Raiders metal box)

Contents: A shrivelled date, labelled “bad ones.” Owner: Discovered in Great Yarmouth arcade. Condition: Sand still inside hinge.

Superman (1978 film tie-in)
Contents: One chunk of Kryptonite-coloured jelly. Owner: Left by Christopher Reeve’s stunt double. Condition: Buzzes faintly.

Looney Tunes (1970s tin)
Contents: Carrot peelings and “Acme” crackers. Owner: Donated by Mel Blanc’s family. Condition: Hinges squeak “beep beep.”

Muppet Show (1978)
Contents: Cold spaghetti labelled “Swedish Chef.” Owner: From Cobbleditch Muppet exhibit. Condition: Smells faintly of felt.

Gremlins (1984)
Contents: Sandwich soggy from water damage. Owner: Allegedly Phoebe Cates.
Condition: Never feed it after midnight.

Alf (1986)
Contents: Empty tin of cat food.
Owner: Found in a Croydon charity shop. Condition: Emits belch noises.

Top Gun (1986)
Contents: Packet of chewing gum and aviator shades (broken). Owner: Tom Cruise’s cousin swore it was his.
Condition: Smells of jet fuel.

Sesame Street (1970s)
Contents: Cookie crumb fossil labelled “Property of Cookie Monster.” Owner: Given by Big Bird impersonator.
Condition: Box sings alphabet when opened.

Knight Rider (1982)
Contents: Small piece of tyre rubber sandwich. Owner: From a Dartford boot sale.
Condition: Glows red when dark.

Aladdin (1992 Disney tin)
Contents: Pitta bread stuffed with mystery dust. Owner: Donated by a Weymouth theatre. Condition: Occasionally puffs smoke.

Sailor Moon (1990s Japan release)
Contents: Bento box of pink rice balls, fossilised. Owner: Left behind in Tokyo, shipped to Cobbleditch. Condition: Still sparkles.

Barney Rubble (Flintstones box, 1960s) Contents: Pebble-shaped biscuits. Owner: Found in Swaffham market. Condition: One biscuit still crunchy.

Back to the Future (1985)
Contents: Melted Pepsi can, warped. Owner: Michael J. Fox “denies all.” Condition: Emits ticking noise.

The Lion King (1994)
Contents: Beetle crisp packet. Owner: Jeremy Irons’ road manager. Condition: Smells of savannah dust.

Pink Panther (1970s tin)
Contents: Strawberry yoghurt, fossilised. Owner: From Orpington jumble sale. Condition: Lid squeaks jazzy tune.

Pokémon (1998)
Contents: Rice cracker shaped like Pikachu. Owner: Found in Erith school bag. Condition: Glows faintly yellow.

Little Mermaid (1989)
Contents: Seaweed sandwich. Owner: From a Weymouth beach hut. Condition: Smells fishy, still damp.

WWF Wrestling (1990s)
Contents: Half-eaten hotdog bun with mustard. Owner: Hulk Hogan lookalike’s donation. Condition: Grease never dried.

Garfield (1980s)
Contents: Lasagne brick, rock hard. Owner: Left in a Great Yarmouth arcade. Condition: Still smells of cheese.

Spice Girls (1997 tin)
Contents: Chewing gum packet and a note: “Girl Power.” Owner: Allegedly Mel B’s niece.
Condition: Still smells of hairspray.

Collection of Abandoned Lunchboxes (41–60) ET: The Ride (Universal Studios, 1990s plastic)

Contents: A half-sucked lollipop, glowing faintly. Owner: Left behind on the actual ride. Condition: Box still whispers “phone home.”

Powerpuff Girls (1999)
Contents: Sugary cupcake wrappers.
Owner: Donated by a Dartford after-school club. Condition: Smells of bubblegum.

Batman & Robin (1997)
Contents: Melted Mr Freeze ice lolly sticks. Owner: Chris O’Donnell’s stand-in. Condition: Box frosts over randomly.

Mr Men (1970s)
Contents: Crushed sherbet lemons labelled “Mr Sour.” Owner: Found in Orpington jumble sale.
Condition: Colours still vivid.

WWE Attitude Era (1999)
Contents: Slamwich (soggy ham sandwich with logo stamped on). Owner: Claimed by The Rock’s cousin.
Condition: Lid still yells “Smackdown!”

The Beatles (Yellow Submarine design, 1968)
Contents: Tuna sandwich fossilised into submarine shape. Owner: Supposedly Paul’s driver.
Condition: Still hums quietly.

Doctor Who (1975 Tom Baker edition)
Contents: Jelly babies melted into rainbow puddle. Owner: Found near Erith car boot.
Condition: Lid rattles like TARDIS.

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1990s)
Contents: Crushed fruit roll-up in Red Ranger shape. Owner: Local kid swapped it for marbles.
Condition: Box still glows red.

Care Bears Movie Tie-In (1985)
Contents: Candyfloss compacted into brick. Owner: Aunt Clacket insists it was hers. Condition: Sweet smell never fades.

ET & Elliot Double-Sided Box (rare edition)
Contents: Thermos with brown sludge, labelled “Coke float.” Owner: Drew Barrymore’s babysitter’s.
Condition: Still carbonated.

The X-Files (1997)
Contents: Tinfoil-wrapped sandwich with green ooze. Owner: David Duchovny denied ownership. Condition: Box hums at night.

Jurassic World (2015)
Contents: Chicken nugget in dino shape. Owner: Found at Lakeside shopping centre. Condition: Box roars when opened.

Harry Potter (2001)
Contents: Chocolate frog fossilised mid-jump. Owner: Donated by a Cobham library kid. Condition: Still croaks.

Looney Tunes Space Jam (1996)
Contents: Chewing gum wrapper signed “MJ.” Owner: Michael Jordan? Probably not. Condition: Still bouncy.

He-Man vs Skeletor (1987)
Contents: Cheese string sharpened into sceptre. Owner: Found at Bexleyheath playground. Condition: Box echoes “By the power...”

Scooby-Doo (1970s)
Contents: Biscuit shaped like Scooby snack, petrified. Owner: Given by local mystery club.
Condition: Box rattles mysteriously.

Shrek (2001)
Contents: Onion half, dried solid. Owner: Cameron Diaz’s hairdresser. Condition: Smells faintly of swamp.

Pokemon Pikachu Shaped (1999)
Contents: One yellow jellybean, buzzing faintly. Owner: Weymouth arcade prize.
Condition: Lid sparks static.

SpongeBob SquarePants (2000)
Contents: Square slice of mouldy cheese.
Owner: Donated anonymously in Great Yarmouth. Condition: Laughs when tapped.

Spider-Man (2002)
Contents: Web of melted candy floss. Owner: Tobey Maguire’s stunt double? Condition: Still sticky.

Collection of Abandoned Lunchboxes (61–78) ThunderCats (1985 metal tin)

Contents: Crushed cereal bar shaped like Lion-O’s sword. Owner: Left in Dartford youth club.
Condition: Box still growls faintly.

Transformers (1986)
Contents: Cheese sandwich folded into a cube. Owner: Donated by Michael Bay’s neighbour. Condition: Hums like a motor.

Ghostbusters (1984)
Contents: Goo packet labelled “Slime Lite.” Owner: Claimed by Dan Aykroyd’s cousin. Condition: Glows green under moonlight.

Star Wars Return of the Jedi (1983) Contents: Biscuit carved into Ewok face. Owner: Found at Orpington jumble sale. Condition: Crumbles when breathed on.

Hulk (1979 Marvel tin)
Contents: Mashed peas hardened into a fist shape. Owner: Lou Ferrigno’s gym bag?
Condition: Lid squeaks angrily.

The Simpsons (1990)
Contents: Doughnut fossilised into rock. Owner: Found in Erith school bin. Condition: Still smells faintly sweet.

Iron Man (2008 tie-in)
Contents: Apple core dipped in rust.
Owner: Robert Downey Jr’s assistant denies it. Condition: Clangs when shaken.

Frozen (2013 Disney)
Contents: Popsicle stick frozen in ice forever. Owner: Weymouth cinema find.
Condition: Permafrost lid.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989) Contents: Pizza crust, fossilised.
Owner: Claimed by a man in a turtle costume. Condition: Smells faintly of pepperoni.

My Little Pony (1980s tin)
Contents: Rainbow sherbet dust. Owner: Aunt Clacket swears she had it. Condition: Sparkles.

Super Mario Bros. (1989)
Contents: Mushroom-shaped biscuit, mouldy. Owner: Found at Swaffham arcade. Condition: Box makes coin sounds.

Peanuts (Charlie Brown, 1970s) Contents: Single peanut shell.
Owner: Donated by a Snoopy fan club. Condition: Box sighs sadly.

Wonder Woman (1976 TV tie-in)
Contents: Golden biscuit star.
Owner: Claimed by Lynda Carter’s neighbour. Condition: Shines faintly.

Jurassic Park (1993)
Contents: Chicken bone labelled “Velociraptor.” Owner: Weymouth cinema usher’s find. Condition: Rattles ominously.

Barbie (1980s)
Contents: Pink cupcake wrapper. Owner: Found in Bexleyheath toy fair. Condition: Smells like hairspray.

Rocky (1976 film box)
Contents: Raw egg yolk fossilised in Thermos. Owner: Stallone denies involvement. Condition: Sour smell, lid rattles.

Finding Nemo (2003)
Contents: Fish finger fossilised in crust. Owner: Left in Great Yarmouth caravan park. Condition: Box smells of seaweed.

Hannah Montana (2007)
Contents: Bubblegum stuck to notebook scrap. Owner: Donated by a Dartford teen.
Condition: Lid hums pop song faintly.

Display Cabinet of 29 Rejected Smurfs
Tax Return Smurf – Always carrying an unfinished form, sighing. Lost Sock Smurf – One foot permanently bare, confused about it. Sarcastic Smurf – Replies “Oh brilliant, well done” to everything. Tea-Bag Smurf – Smells faintly of Earl Grey, stains pockets.
Parking Fine Smurf – Covered in yellow stickers.
Disco Smurf – Ball mirror attached to hat, insists on 70s tunes. Moody Teen Smurf – Walkman always blasting, rolling eyes. Unfinished Smurf – Missing arms, left mid-mould.
Spicy Curry Smurf – Breath hot enough to melt plastic.
Dentist Smurf – Wields drill far too happily.
Over-Apologetic Smurf – Says sorry even when you step on him. Tin Foil Smurf – Wrapped up tightly, rustling constantly.
DIY Smurf – Permanently glued to a hammer.
Queueing Smurf – Just stands silently in line, no purpose.
Misprint Smurf – Hat says “Snurf.”
Umbrella Smurf – Never opens it at the right time.
One-Hit Wonder Smurf – Carries a broken keyboard, hums loudly. Pigeon Smurf – Covered in white specks, coos at dawn.
Too Tall Smurf – Doesn’t fit on shelf properly.
Fashion Disaster Smurf – Double denim, pink Crocs.
Soggy Biscuit Smurf – Permanently damp. Don’t ask why.
Passive Aggressive Smurf – Says “fine” when it isn’t. Over-Caffeinated Smurf – Shaking uncontrollably, wide eyes. Glow-in-the-Dark-But-Doesn’t Smurf – Labelled as such, but nope. Cabbage Smurf – Entirely cabbage-scented, green tinge.
Dartford Smurf – Forever pointing at road signs.
Inflatable Smurf – Slowly deflating, faint squeak when touched. Forgotten Password Smurf – Constantly muttering “try again later.” Misbuttoned Smurf – Shirt always skew-whiff, hat backwards.

Cobbleditch Football Shirts Nobody Wore
1993 Away Shirt – Fluorescent orange with brown polka dots. Blinded the referee during a friendly, immediately banned.
1997 Third Kit – Designed entirely in tartan corduroy. Weighed 3kg when wet.
2001 Charity Special – Sponsored by “Mrs Pottle’s Pickled Onions.” Logo covered half the torso.
2005 Home Shirt – Colour-changing fabric that went see-through in rain. Withdrawn after one training session.
2009 “Eco” Kit – Made from recycled crisp packets. Crackled loudly whenever players moved.
2014 Anniversary Edition – Featured a giant portrait of Fat Brian across the front. Players refused to wear it.
2018 Pre-Season Shirt – Glow-in-the-dark green with detachable shoulder pads. Accidentally sold as Halloween costumes.

Fortune Cookies That Told the Truth (All 50)
“You will trip outside the Cobbleditch Post Office tomorrow.” – Three villagers did.
“This band will split up before the encore.” – Oasis, Rotterdam, 2009.
“The cat does not belong to you.” – Returned to Swaffham two years later.
“A man called Kevin will eat all the peanuts.” – Dartford pub, CCTV confirmed.
“Do not sit in seat 23B.” – Flight diverted after goose strike, Reykjavik, 2014.
“One day you’ll see Noel Edmonds in Orpington.” – He really was there, buying a ladder. “The finale will disappoint you.” – Game of Thrones, 2019.
“Your shoelace will snap during an interview.” – Candidate at Weymouth Town Hall.
“The ghost in your cupboard is harmless.” – Cobbleditch Council ruling, 1987.
“The soup will arrive cold.” – True in every BBC canteen.
“Do not trust the drummer.” – Fleetwood Mac, 1977 incident.
“A goose will interrupt parliament.” – Westminster, 2002 (Hansard confirms).
“The map is upside down.” – IKEA Lakeside, car park layout 2015.
“One day you will regret the denim.” – Cobbleditch Denim Disaster Exhibit.
“Björk is not a pixie. Today.” – Icelandic police report, 1998.
“The teabag will split.” – PM’s office, Crayford, 2004.
“Beware of blue paint.” – Smurf costume collapse, Comic Con, 2016.
“You will fall asleep in the cinema.” – Avengers: Age of Ultron premiere, Peterborough. “The troll will ask for Battenberg.” – Cobbleditch Bridge, still ongoing.
“This politician will deny it.” – Any of them, any year.
“Your neighbour has three microwaves.” – Weymouth, police welfare check confirmed. “Never play Monopoly with Brian.” – Fat Brian banned from Cobbleditch board game night. “Your favourite band will reform for money.” – Blink-182, 2022.
“A pigeon will ruin the photo.” – Every tourist shot in Rome.
“Do not eat the prawns.” – Bexleyheath buffet collapse, 1993.
“The button will not fit the hole.” – Tailor in Erith, full meltdown.
“You will cry at the wrong funeral.” – Cobbleditch graveyard mix-up.
“The American sitcom will never end.” – The Simpsons, still going.
“He will forget your name immediately.” – Backstage meet-and-greet, Ed Sheeran.
“Beware of trousers on fire.” – Great Yarmouth shopping centre, 2001.
“The door will lock itself.” – IKEA Croydon toilets.
“You will hear ABBA in the supermarket.” – Confirmed daily worldwide.
“Your pen will run out mid-exam.” – Swaffham Grammar, 1982.
“The ketchup will never pour.” – Heinz bottle in Cobbleditch Café, still sealed.
“A goose will inherit the crown.” – Rejected 1973 Icelandic prophecy.
“Your band T-shirt will fade.” – Metallica fans, Dartford laundrette, 1995.
“The wig will fall off.” – Cobbleditch Amateur Theatre, Cinderella, 2007.
“You will laugh during a funeral.” – Weymouth, hushed incident.
“The stranger knows your ringtone.” – Tube, London, 2011.
“The next reboot will fail.” – Ghostbusters 2016, confirmed.
“The key is not for this lock.” – Cobbleditch Lost Keys Exhibit.
“Do not ask her about the goose.” – Phillip Schofield photos collection, unexplained.
“The sauce will stain forever.” – Reggae Reggae Sauce Exhibit.
“That man is wearing two wigs.” – Erith Tesco, 2018.
“You will fall asleep on the night bus.” – Crayford to Bexleyheath, weekly.
“Beware of trousers at weddings.” – Cobbleditch fashion archives.
“The reboot will star The Rock.” – Every film since 2003.
“A goat will win Eurovision.” – Cobbleditch Eurovision Museum prophecy.
“You will return here.” – Cookie found outside Cobbleditch Zoo.
“Your neighbour is hiding biscuits.” – Proven in Dartford, 2006.

19 Things Thrown at Morrissey
(Co-op Live Arena, Manchester, June 7, 2025)
A Greggs vegan sausage roll (half-eaten).
A signed copy of Meat Is Murder on cassette.
One leather shoe (size 9, right foot only).
A Manchester United scarf (quickly booed by half the arena). A packet of Quavers.
A framed photo of Steven Patrick Morrissey himself (thrown lovingly).
A head of iceberg lettuce.
An inflatable flamingo.
A vinyl copy of Viva Hate (still in shrink wrap).
A single maraca.
A knitted tea cosy with “Viva Moz” stitched across.
A bottle of Henderson’s Relish.
A paperback of The Vegetarian Cookbook for One.
A paper mask of Johnny Marr.
A sparkly cardigan (size XL).
A soft toy badger (quickly confiscated).
A copy of The Guardian folded into a paper plane.
A packet of wine gums (green ones missing).
A cardboard cut-out goose (origins unknown).

Exhibit: Kate Bush & Delia Smith — “There Really Is a Lot in Vegetables”
Format:

Faded 1980 promotional still or Polaroid—Kate Bush and Delia Smith in Delia’s idyllic garden kitchen.
Source & Provenance:

From Delia Smith’s Cookery Course, filmed at East Wickham Farm and broadcast on 29 February 1980. Kate Bush shares vegetarian insights with Delia, in a gentle slice-of-life moment Music Musings & SuchFar Out Magazine.

Highlights & Quotes:
Kate sardonically explains how to cook rice: “You just add it to salt water, really.”
Then, with earnest sincerity: “I hope people will think about it, because there really is a lot in vegetables!” Music Musings & Such.
She encourages leaving apple skins on in Waldorf salad and tossing nuts in salads “makes you feel a bit like a parrot” Far Out Magazine+1.
Context:

For 1980, this was unusual. A pop star chatting about cooking, not just promoting music. This scene shows a different, more conscientious side of Kate Bush, adding nuance beyond her public persona Music Musings & Such+1.

Exhibit Plaque Text:
Kate Bush & Delia Smith, 1980

Kate, in the garden kitchen, urging us: “There really is a lot in vegetables.” An unlikely cooking class turned cultural moment. Visitors are gently reminded to taste the skins—nutrients await.

Charlie Chaplin’s Second-Place Medal (Lookalike Competition, 1915)
What’s True: The story that Chaplin entered a Chaplin lookalike contest and lost has been circulating since the 1920s. Some reports put it in San Francisco, others in Monte Carlo, but no records survive.
What Cobbleditch Claims: The actual second-place medal turned up in a drawer of expired loyalty cards in Swaffham. Engraved simply: “Not Quite Chaplin.” The first-place winner was a postman from Dartford who wore smaller shoes.
Plaque Text:
“Presented to Mr Charles Chaplin, runner-up in the Charlie Chaplin lookalike contest. Authenticity disputed. Cobbleditch insists this medal is genuine, though the ribbon smells faintly of pickled onions.”

Case Ref: “What Did Busted Go To School For?” — Interim Findings Central Hypothesis A:

Attendance motivated primarily by Miss McKenzie and her alleged “boobies,” as suggested by Matt Willis in Exhibit Giggly-17 (Present for Everyone Tour DVD, timestamp disputed).
Central Hypothesis B:

Attendance may have been linked to the pursuit of qualifications. Records checked at Crayford Comprehensive list the following: James Bourne — sat down briefly in an exam hall, but drew a cartoon of a penguin.

Charlie Simpson — enrolled in “Advanced Sulking & Guitar.” Unclear if course was accredited.
Matt Willis — registered for Home Economics, but attendance coincided suspiciously with Miss McKenzie’s timetable.

Outcome:
Evidence suggests the trio graduated with at least one GCSE between

them (possibly in “General Mischief Studies”).
Investigators note that this “may or may not” count on a UCAS

application. Unresolved Question:

“Was it for knowledge, qualifications, or boobies?” The file remains officially inconclusive.

Case File #001 Artist: Busted

Song: What I Go to School For
Subject: The Miss McKenzie Affair
Notes: Investigation ongoing. Accusations centre on whether school

attendance was motivated by academics or Miss McKenzie’s “assets.” Evidence includes a DVD of the Present for Everyone tour in which Matt Willis mutters “her boobies.” Case remains unresolved, with no qualifications on record.

Case File #002 Artist: Meat Loaf

Song: Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad
Subject: Maths Department Investigation
Notes: School board flagged the lyric as a concerning example of

mathematical complacency. Debate ongoing as to whether this sets a precedent for future fractions (“one out of five” reportedly in draft form).
Case File #003

Artist: Steps
Song:5,6,7,8
Subject: The Case of the Missing 9
Notes: Sequence abruptly halts. Forensic numerologists believe “9”

may have been stolen or misplaced during choreography rehearsals. All five members deny knowledge.
Case File #004
Artist: ABBA

Song: Does Your Mother Know?
Subject: Maternal Knowledge Inquiry
Notes: Filed under safeguarding. Investigators still attempting to

contact mothers across Scandinavia for statements. Benny refuses comment.
Case File #005
Artist: The Clash

Song: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Subject: Immigration Desk Confusion
Notes: Border officers report repeated shouting of “¡Yo me frío o lo

soplo!” Confusion continues as to whether subject actually wants a visa extension or simply a lift home.
Case File #006
Artist: Elvis Presley

Song: Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Subject: Door-to-Door Welfare Checks
Notes: Filed after Presley repeatedly inquired about residents’

loneliness levels. Mixed results. In one instance, door answered by Colonel Tom Parker who denied knowledge of Elvis’s location. Case File #007
Artist: Madonna

Song: Papa Don’t Preach
Subject: Family Mediation Files
Notes: Dispute between subject and father unresolved. Social

services intervention recommended. Papa contacted but declined to comment, citing “lyrical privacy.”
Case File #008
Artist: Destiny’s Child

Song: Say My Name
Subject: Identity Verification Unit
Notes: Interrogation recordings reveal repeated requests to “say my

name.” Suspects failed to comply, leading to heightened suspicion of infidelity. Beyoncé later confirmed this was “procedural.”

Case File #009 Artist: The Police

Song: Every Breath You Take
Subject: Stalking Surveillance Report
Notes: Sting placed under observation for obsessive behaviour.

Surveillance team noted irony of surveilling a man singing about surveillance. Case remains sensitive.
Case File #010
Artist: Pink Floyd

Song: Another Brick in the Wall
Subject: Health & Safety Breach Inquiry
Notes: Complaints lodged regarding unsanctioned wall construction.

Labour union alleges exploitation of schoolchildren. Roger Waters maintains “it’s metaphorical.” HSE unconvinced.
Case File #011
Artist: Spice Girls

Song: Wannabe
Subject: Confession Files
Notes: Zig-a-zig-ah remains classified under “unknown contraband.”

Interpol consulted. Geri Halliwell evasive in interview. Case File #012
Artist: Joan Jett

Song: I Love Rock ’n’ Roll
Subject: Question of Consent, Jukebox Incident
Notes: Witnesses confirm Joan inserted coin into jukebox without

written consent. Rock ’n’ roll did not press charges, citing “mutual affection.”
Case File #013
Artist: U2

Song: Where the Streets Have No Name
Subject: Mapping Errors Bureau
Notes: GIS team dispatched to Dublin, found streets do in fact have

names. Bono insists names are “conceptual.” File marked unsolved. Case File #014
Artist: Lionel Richie

Song: Hello, Is It Me You’re Looking For?
Subject: Lost Property Desk
Notes: Repeated calls logged to Lost & Found. Sculpted bust

evidence seized. Richie remains cooperative, though “creepy.” Case File #015
Artist: Rod Stewart

Song: Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?
Subject: Harassment Complaints Unit
Notes: Multiple charges filed across discos in the late ’70s. Stewart

defended himself by pointing at tight trousers. Charges dropped due to public consensus of “mixed.”
Case File #016
Artist: Queen

Song: Who Wants to Live Forever?
Subject: Immortality Licensing Inquiry
Notes: Filed after repeated unlicensed applications for eternal life.

Brian May provided 14-page astrophysics rebuttal. Freddy Mercury’s vocal performance lodged as evidence.
Case File #017
Artist: Peggy Lee

Song: Is That All There Is?
Subject: Existential Review Board
Notes: File transferred to Philosophy Dept, who remain divided. Case

reopens every decade when people listen again and feel sad. Case File #018
Artist: Blondie

Song: Call Me
Subject: Unsolicited Communications Complaint
Notes: 24-hour calling line deemed harassment. Subject insists it’s

“for any time, any place, anywhere, any way.” Phone companies investigating.
Case File #019
Artist: The Who

Song: Who Are You?
Subject: Identity Crisis Department
Notes: Repeated shouting in pubs led to confused brawls. CCTV

shows Pete Townshend asking mirror repeatedly. Case ongoing.

danger

The Goose With Human Hands – it claps mockingly when you cry. The Dog of Broken Voices – barks in the sound of people you miss. The Spider of Too Many Eyes – its eyes appear on the walls around it, watching from every angle.

The Rat King of Cobbleditch Sewers – thousands of rats fused together, humming hymns at night.
The Owl Without Wings – it flies anyway, slowly, and only backwards.

The Snake That Whispers Your Secrets – even ones you’ve forgotten.
The Cow of Hollow Bells – its moo sounds like funeral tolls, and flowers wilt nearby.
The Cat of Endless Mouths – purrs sweetly, then opens another mouth when you pet it.
The Horse That Eats Shadows – stables grow darker whenever it feeds.
The Pig of Human Eyes – stares with uncanny judgement, then laughs softly when left alone.

The Mirror of Endless Screaming – reflects you correctly, but your reflection never stops screaming.
The Cobbleditch Black Book of Spells – every page is blank until you read it aloud, then something nearby explodes.

The Jar of Eternal Fingers – nobody knows whose fingers they are, but they keep tapping at the glass.
The Chair That Eats Sitters – last borrowed from the Parish Council, never returned.

The Cobbleditch Clock of Ending – every time it strikes, someone in the village faints.
The Puppet That Wakes Up at Night – it walks, whispers, and writes rude things in the margins of other books.

The Cobbleditch Sack of Teeth – rattles if you lie near it. Sometimes rattles anyway.
The Photograph That Ages You – every glance adds a wrinkle. Left too long, it dusts you entirely.
The Egg That Never Hatches – villagers swear they’ve heard scratching from inside. The keeper insists it’s nothing.
The Cobbleditch Well in a Bottle – a whole cursed well shrunk into a jar. If uncorked, the village might drown in whispers and black water.

Here’s a suspiciously curated list of famous musicians who’ve (allegedly) recorded albums in Cobbleditch, often under strange circumstances, in questionable locations, with results no one talks about publicly.

1. Kate Bush – The Allotment Tapes
Recorded in a shed during a week-long thunderstorm. Every track

features background clinking from someone making jam. 2. Damon Albarn – Cobbleditch Radio (Unreleased)

A concept album based entirely on found sounds from the bus station, including the local drunk shouting at a pigeon.
3. Björk – Songs for the Duck Pond

She described it as “emotionally amphibious.” One track is just her whispering to a frog.
4. Nick Cave – The Cobbleditch Psalms

Written after spending a month in the church crypt. Features organ played by someone named "Beryl." Beryl has never been seen since.
5. Aphex Twin – CBBLDTC

Only available on vinyl, cassette, and whispered memory. Rumoured to contain subliminal references to the postmistress. 6. Florence Welch – Witch in Residence

She stayed in a flat above the bakery. Recorded vocals with a ribbon mic, a bowl of nettles, and a fox on her lap.
7. Jarvis Cocker – Live at the Village Fête

Bootleg only. Features a 14-minute track titled “Coleslaw Anxiety.” 8. Thom Yorke – Aisle π

Inspired by a single visit to Spells & Spuds. Every track named after a surreal food item (“Beef Fog”, “Celery in Mourning”).
9. Brian Eno – Ambient 5: Cobbled Calm

All tracks are exactly 3 minutes and 47 seconds of silence recorded in different corners of Cobbleditch. Side B is just church bells and mild dread.
10. The Fall – Live from the Cobbleditch Job Centre

Mark E. Smith screamed into a fax machine while someone played a broken Casio. It was declared “essential listening” by The Wire.

10 songs about Cobbleditch by Leonard Cohen 1. The Bell at Cobbleditch Green

A slow, mournful tune about a bell that only rings for those who’ve forgotten what they came for.
2. Three Women in the Allotments

Spoken word over a single cello note. They grow turnips. They know too much.
3. I Waited for You by the Disused Lido

A love song about someone who never came, and the mildew that did.
4. The Archivists Took My Name

Haunting vocals. Chorus includes whispering voices reciting old street names and birth dates.
5. Midnight at the Charity Shop

A dusty waltz about lost gloves, unlabelled tapes, and the man in the changing room who isn’t real.
6. Stitching the Mayor’s Shadow

Abstract, even for Cohen. Possibly about power, possibly about a literal shadow tailor.
7. Ode to the Roundabout Swan

He sings it like it’s biblical. It’s just a swan. Or is it? 8. Rachel, in the Fog

Slow piano ballad. Is Rachel a woman? A ghost? The concept of longing?
9. There Is No Map to Cobbleditch

Accordion-led. Starts with “I asked the priest, the butcher, and the boy with one shoe...”
10. Bless the Man Who Sweeps the Lane

Ends with 47 verses, each quieter than the last. Final line: “And the broom was made of his own hair.”

Cheese and Onion Zoo Side Exhibits Catalogue (1–500)
Ed Sheeran’s half-eaten toast crusts (framed, one per year since 2011). Madonna’s unused train tickets from the 80s.
A drawer full of Elton John’s lost cufflinks.
Kanye West’s half-finished apology notes (written to himself).
Dolly Parton’s unused acrylic nail tips.
Daniel Radcliffe’s collection of chipped mugs.
Taylor Swift’s abandoned cat hairballs (labelled “possible future album titles”). Simon Cowell’s spare face rollers.
A shoebox of Britney Spears’ chewed pen lids.
Paul McCartney’s “practice vegetarian sausages” (frozen solid).
The missing Monopoly pieces that always vanish from sets.
A VHS tape labelled “Titanic 2” that cuts off after 12 minutes.
All the lost socks from UK laundrettes (displayed as “The Woolly Wall”).
The Spice Girls’ original shopping list from 1996.
A collection of discontinued crisp flavours (Smoky Bacon, Hedgehog, etc.).
47 unopened packets of Pokémon cards that all contain only Magikarp.
The remote controls nobody admits belong to them.
The original Facebook “poke” button, kept in a jar.
All the lost teeth from under children’s pillows (the Tooth Fairy had a surplus). A single Nokia 3310 that still has 84% battery after 20 years.
Napoleon’s spare hat feathers.
Shakespeare’s chewed quills (with suspicious bite marks).
The actual Trotsky ice pick (kept in bubble wrap).
Cleopatra’s unposted postcards from Rome.
The Berlin Wall’s missing bricks (stacked tidily, labelled “do not touch”). Winston Churchill’s doodles of cats in top hats.
The missing page from the Domesday Book (it just says “don’t forget milk”). The world’s largest collection of AA batteries with 1% power left.
A shelf of remote controls with no matching devices.
The “universal” Allen keys that don’t fit anything.
Drawers of Tupperware lids that fit nothing.
All the lost biros from NHS waiting rooms.
A shoebox of tangled Christmas lights.
Train tickets without dates.
Umbrellas left behind on buses.
Socks that never found their partner.
All the IKEA instructions missing step 7.
Abraham Lincoln’s missing top hat lining.
Britney Spears’ chewed biro caps.
A single shoe from the Marie Celeste crew.
Donald Trump’s unused spray tan wipes.

A wardrobe of moth-eaten Queen Victoria mourning veils. Ed Sheeran’s broken guitar capos.
The ghost of a Nokia ringtone (still faintly audible). Stalin’s misplaced moustache comb.

Beyoncé’s snapped false eyelashes.
Shakespeare’s broken quills stored in jam jars.
Napoleon’s spare handkerchiefs.
Photos of Phillip Schofield smiling (all kept behind frosted glass). A melted bag of Werther’s Originals said to belong to Margaret Thatcher.
Kanye West’s scribbled album titles that never happened.
Elvis Presley’s unfinished crossword puzzles.
A jar of Marilyn Monroe’s loose buttons.
The unused chains from Houdini’s final escape act.
A shelf of Tony Blair’s “Things Will Get Better” notes.
Vlad the Impaler’s unused toothpicks.
Piles of Spice Girls’ discarded platform shoe soles.
Winston Churchill’s doodles of cats in bowler hats.
Lost Nintendo cartridges that only play static.
Madonna’s unused false nails.
The Bermuda Triangle’s “lost and found” box.
Amy Winehouse’s lighters that never sparked.
Discarded teacups from the Queen Mother.
The Pope’s cracked snow globe of Bethlehem.
Cans of Fanta from the Berlin Wall checkpoint kiosks.
Cher’s wardrobe tags still attached.
Oscar Wilde’s broken spectacles.
An old Ouija board said to have summoned only tax inspectors. Lady Gaga’s broken teapots.
Lenin’s missing mittens.
All the missing left shoes from Clarks outlets.
A cupboard of TV remote backs with no remotes.
Rihanna’s unused perfume samples.
Jar of unexplained hair clippings from Beatles concerts.
Hillary Clinton’s shattered Blackberry phones.
Freddie Mercury’s forgotten scarves.
The last unfinished Tweet draft from Stephen Hawking. Napoleon’s toenail clippings in a matchbox.
Harry Styles’ missing pearl earrings.
The Titanic’s cutlery that never got polished.
Handwritten letters from stalkers, carefully censored.
The lost Monopoly thimbles.
Boris Johnson’s discarded combs (none used).
Florence Nightingale’s cracked lamp glass.
A jar of Michael Jackson’s broken sequins.
A collection of “unsent apologies” from political figures.
The violin that kept playing on the Titanic (strings missing). David Bowie’s unused lightning bolt stickers.
A shoebox of Gandhi’s missing sandals.
Christopher Columbus’ broken compass needles.
Elvis’ unposted fan mail (addressed to “Heaven”).
An urn labelled “Lost Dreams” from 1999.
Jar of Marilyn Manson’s broken eyeliner pencils.
The actual soap from Fight Club (or is it?).
Piles of ancient Egyptian shopping lists (all bread, beer, and onions).
Princess Diana’s unused thank-you cards.
A shelf of Obama’s broken cufflinks.
A half-used eyeliner pencil of Cleopatra’s.
The pens every Prime Minister stole from Number 10.
A cracked Snow White mirror prop.

Cheese and Onion Zoo Side Exhibits Catalogue (101–200) Remnants of Madonna’s cone bras.
The “missing” Beatles reunion album (empty sleeve). Alexander the Great’s chewed olive pits.

Old iPods loaded with forgotten emo playlists. Trump’s shredded draft tweets.
A pair of unwashed football socks from Maradona. Nelson Mandela’s snapped reading glasses.
A drawer of Celine Dion’s lost earrings. Shakespeare’s rough drafts of bad puns.
The missing Millennium Bug that never appeared. Queen Elizabeth I’s unused wigs.
Charles Dickens’ ink-stained handkerchiefs.
A cupboard of broken Spice Girls dolls.
Half a Coldplay album that never got finished.
A box of Kylie Minogue’s unused glitter.
George Washington’s snapped false teeth.
The handwritten “last meals” of forgotten prisoners. Elton John’s bent sunglasses frames.
A broken cane from Charlie Chaplin.
Shakespeare’s “bad sonnets” (crossed out in ink).
A drawer of unfinished apologies from celebrities. The key to Area 51’s staff toilets.
All the “404 Error” pages printed out.
Gandhi’s unfinished prayer beads.
Queen’s “lost” setlist from Live Aid.
The darkened candle ends from Salem witch trials. David Beckham’s old shin pads.
The Beatles’ broken guitar picks.
David Cameron’s half-written speeches.
Stalin’s cracked vodka bottles.
Britney’s discarded chewing gum.
The world’s heaviest lost-and-found bin.
Titanic lifeboat seat cushions.
Picasso’s discarded paint rags.
Churchill’s unlit cigars.
The mask Jim Carrey never wore.
A box labelled “do not open” that hums faintly. David Bowie’s glitter jar (spilled in transit). Napoleon’s cracked pocket watch.
Jar of forgotten passwords.
Churchill’s unused cigars.
Princess Diana’s snapped hairbrush.
Madonna’s cone bra (dented).
A Titanic dining chair.
Jar of Myspace Top 8s.
Abraham Lincoln’s quill pen.
Cher’s missing wig hair.
Michael Jackson’s broken shoelace.
The original Clippy paperclip (from Microsoft Word). Florence Nightingale’s cracked lantern glass. Britney Spears’ 2007 hair clippings.
Shakespeare’s doodled skulls.

Obama’s broken basketball net.
Jar of forgotten Tinder matches. Churchill’s bulldog sketches. Napoleon’s empty snuff box.
Jar of confiscated Ouija boards.
Amy Winehouse’s snapped high heel. Michael Jordan’s torn sweatband. Spice Girls’ chewing gum mural.

Jar of AOL chat logs.
Elton John’s piano keys (three missing).
Marilyn Monroe’s compact mirror.
Churchill’s champagne cork.
Taylor Swift’s unfinished lyrics.
Vlad the Impaler’s cup.
Jar of Instagram filters (discontinued).
Queen Victoria’s pearl button.
Jar of Titanic passenger tickets.
Michael Jackson’s dance glove.
Napoleon’s pocket comb.
Jar of deleted voicemails.
Boris Johnson’s broken bicycle chain.
The lost pages of Anne Boleyn’s prayer book.
Elvis’ cracked vinyl.
Jar of broken fan letters.
Churchill’s nightcap (the drinking kind).
Spice Girls’ broken Polaroids.
Jar of YouTube dislikes.
Florence Nightingale’s handkerchief.
Obama’s chewed pen cap.
Jar of whispers from crowds.
David Bowie’s ash from Ziggy Stardust tour. Michael Jordan’s cracked trophy.
Princess Diana’s misplaced earring.
Jar of forgotten lullabies.
Box labelled “The Things We Shouldn’t Keep.” Napoleon’s travel-sized soap dish.
Whitney Houston’s snapped hairbrush.
Churchill’s doodle of a sausage dog in a bowler hat. Jar of lost Spice Girls bubblegum.
Trump’s emergency wig glue.
Elizabeth Taylor’s missing earrings.
A sack of missing TV remotes.
Shakespeare’s unfinished sonnet about onions. Kurt Cobain’s broken guitar pedal.
A jar labelled “Elvis’ last peanut butter crumb.” Cleopatra’s unused eyeliner pot.
The Titanic’s crooked teaspoon.
Harry Styles’ torn cardigan.

Cheese and Onion Zoo Side Exhibits Catalogue (201–300) Margaret Thatcher’s melted handbag mint.
John Lennon’s cracked spectacles.
Jar of anonymous celebrity tears.

Michael Jackson’s snapped sequins.
Napoleon’s emergency ladder (very small).
The last bag of Space Raiders (pickled onion).
Tony Blair’s stress ball collection.
A Furby that only whispers in Latin.
Pope Francis’ cracked snow globe of Bethlehem.
A pile of deflated footballs from the 1966 World Cup. Boris Johnson’s “lost” hairbrushes.
Princess Margaret’s cigarette case.
Marilyn Monroe’s spare safety pins.
Jar of deleted tweets.
The original Teletubbies antennae.
David Beckham’s forgotten shin pads.
Elton John’s broken sunglasses.
Florence Nightingale’s cracked lamp wick.
Amy Winehouse’s unused eyeliner pencil.
A cupboard of unsent fan mail to ABBA.
Obama’s busted cufflinks.
The “lost” lottery tickets of Britain.
Madonna’s half-used rosary beads.
Salvador Dalí’s bent teaspoon.
Jar of Nokia ringtones.
Lenin’s broken inkwell.
A Spice Girls Tamagotchi graveyard.
Cher’s glitter spill in resin.
George Washington’s snapped false tooth.
Michael Jordan’s bent shoelaces.
Churchill’s unlit cigar stub.
The Titanic’s abandoned menu card.
Jar of Marilyn Manson’s eyeliner dust.
The last surviving chain email (printed).
Picasso’s used paint rag.
A cupboard of unclaimed festival wellies.
Box marked “Do Not Open Until 2099.”
Jar of Ed Sheeran’s broken guitar picks.
Queen Victoria’s unused mourning veil.
Rihanna’s lost perfume bottle caps.
Napoleon’s travel-sized pillow.
Jar of Tears from X-Factor Auditions.
Churchill’s champagne cork collection.
Amy Winehouse’s cigarette lighter.
David Bowie’s glitter boots (left only).
Florence Nightingale’s cracked spectacles.
Elvis Presley’s half-melted sunglasses.
Michael Jackson’s lost glove button.
Winston Churchill’s doodle of sausages.
John Lennon’s harmonica reed.
Cleopatra’s missing ring.
Jar of Discarded Eurovision Costumes.
Trump’s unused fake tan mitts.
Marilyn Monroe’s cracked lipstick tube.
Nelson Mandela’s bent fountain pen.
Spice Girls’ snapped platform shoe heel.
Abraham Lincoln’s pocket mirror.
Jar of anonymous fan mail addressed to “Dear Pop Star.” Cher’s broken microphone stand.
Picasso’s paintbrush chewed at the end.

Queen Elizabeth II’s forgotten teabag collection. The missing glove from O.J. Simpson.
Boris Johnson’s crumpled speeches.
Freddie Mercury’s cracked champagne flute. Michael Jordan’s practice basketball patch.

Jar of Deleted Facebook Pokes.
Princess Diana’s spare clutch bag.
Churchill’s ink-stained blotter.
Marilyn Manson’s snapped eyeliner sharpener. Obama’s doodle of a basketball hoop.

Jar of Lost YouTube Videos.
Shakespeare’s lost draft: “Romeo and Jeff.” Cleopatra’s cracked perfume bottle.
A Spice Girls crisps packet (unopened).
Elton John’s bent piano stool.
Napoleon’s child-sized boots.
Jar of Backstreet Boys fan tears.
Britney Spears’ snapped hair clip.
Churchill’s chessboard missing pawns.
Jar of discarded festival wristbands.
Princess Margaret’s cracked gin glass.
A Nokia 3310 still charged.
Jar of VHS rental late fees.
Bob Dylan’s broken guitar capo.
Queen Victoria’s snapped fan.
The Pope’s misplaced prayer beads.
Box marked “Unopened Emails, 1998–2003.”
David Bowie’s glitter jar (spilled in transit). Napoleon’s cracked pocket watch.
Jar of forgotten passwords.
Churchill’s unused cigars.
Princess Diana’s snapped hairbrush.
Madonna’s cone bra (dented).
A Titanic dining chair.
Jar of Myspace Top 8s.
Abraham Lincoln’s quill pen.
Cher’s missing wig hair.
Michael Jackson’s broken shoelace.
The original Clippy paperclip (from Microsoft Word). Florence Nightingale’s cracked lantern glass.

Cheese and Onion Zoo Side Exhibits Catalogue (301–400) Britney Spears’ 2007 hair clippings.
Shakespeare’s doodled skulls.
Obama’s broken basketball net.

Jar of forgotten Tinder matches. Churchill’s bulldog sketches. Napoleon’s empty snuff box.
Jar of confiscated Ouija boards.
Amy Winehouse’s snapped high heel. Michael Jordan’s torn sweatband. Spice Girls’ chewing gum mural.

Shakespeare’s unfinished sonnet about onions. Kurt Cobain’s broken guitar pedal.
A jar labelled “Elvis’ last peanut butter crumb.” Cleopatra’s unused eyeliner pot.

The Titanic’s crooked teaspoon.
Harry Styles’ torn cardigan.
Margaret Thatcher’s melted handbag mint.
John Lennon’s cracked spectacles.
Jar of anonymous celebrity tears.
Michael Jackson’s snapped sequins.
Napoleon’s emergency ladder (very small).
The last bag of Space Raiders (pickled onion).
Tony Blair’s stress ball collection.
A Furby that only whispers in Latin.
Pope Francis’ cracked snow globe of Bethlehem.
A pile of deflated footballs from the 1966 World Cup. Boris Johnson’s “lost” hairbrushes.
Princess Margaret’s cigarette case.
Marilyn Monroe’s spare safety pins.
Jar of deleted tweets.
The original Teletubbies antennae.
David Beckham’s forgotten shin pads.
Elton John’s broken sunglasses.
Florence Nightingale’s cracked lamp wick.
Amy Winehouse’s unused eyeliner pencil.
A cupboard of unsent fan mail to ABBA.
Obama’s busted cufflinks.
The “lost” lottery tickets of Britain.
Madonna’s half-used rosary beads.
Salvador Dalí’s bent teaspoon.
Jar of Nokia ringtones.
Lenin’s broken inkwell.
A Spice Girls Tamagotchi graveyard.
Cher’s glitter spill in resin.
George Washington’s snapped false tooth.
Michael Jordan’s bent shoelaces.
Churchill’s unlit cigar stub.
The Titanic’s abandoned menu card.
Jar of Marilyn Manson’s eyeliner dust.
The last surviving chain email (printed).
Picasso’s used paint rag.
A cupboard of unclaimed festival wellies.
Box marked “Do Not Open Until 2099.”
Jar of Ed Sheeran’s broken guitar picks.
Queen Victoria’s unused mourning veil.
Rihanna’s lost perfume bottle caps.
Napoleon’s travel-sized pillow.
Jar of Tears from X-Factor Auditions.
Churchill’s champagne cork collection.
Amy Winehouse’s cigarette lighter.
David Bowie’s glitter boots (left only).
Florence Nightingale’s cracked spectacles.
Elvis Presley’s half-melted sunglasses.
Michael Jackson’s lost glove button.
Winston Churchill’s doodle of sausages.
John Lennon’s harmonica reed.

Cheese and Onion Zoo Side Exhibits Catalogue (401–500)

Mr Bean’s spare tie.
Jar of Ed Sheeran’s freckles.
David Hasselhoff’s half-eaten burger.
Madonna’s cone hat (prototype).
Kylie Minogue’s spare hot pants.
Jar of Simon Cowell’s winks.
Beyoncé’s fan (the electric one).
Jar of Ricky Gervais’ giggles.
The Chuckle Brothers’ moustache trimmings.
Jar of Taylor Swift’s cat sneezes.
Michael Caine’s unspoken “bloody hell.”
Mr Blobby’s toenail.
Jar of Piers Morgan’s tantrums.
Donald Trump’s lost Sharpies.
Jar of Benedict Cumberbatch’s mispronunciations of “penguin.” Harry Potter’s broken wand (Argos version).
Jar of Boris Johnson’s hair clippings.
Jar of Alan Sugar’s “You’re fired”s.
Elton John’s glitter sneeze.
Jar of Michael McIntyre’s high-pitched laughs.
Mr Motivator’s neon lycra scraps.
Jar of Nigella Lawson’s whispers of “chocolate.”
The missing Minions (prototype sketches).
Jar of Ant & Dec’s confused accents.
Jar of Ed Balls’ tweets.
The last Wagon Wheel that’s actually wagon-sized.
Jar of Jedward’s spare hair gel.
Jar of Mary Berry’s crumbs.
The Chuckle Brothers’ invisible ladder.
Jar of Mr T’s pity.
Jar of Noel Edmonds’ Deal or No Deal boxes.
Jar of Nigella’s unused adjectives.
Jar of Gordon Ramsay’s censored swears.
The last three Chewit wrappers.
Jar of Jeremy Clarkson’s mutters.
Jar of Blue Peter sticky-back plastic scraps.
Jar of Katie Price’s lip gloss.
Jar of Scooby-Doo’s “ruh-rohs.”
Jar of Simon Pegg’s pub coasters.
Jar of Del Boy’s “lovely jubbly”s.
Jar of Liam Gallagher’s tambourines.
Jar of Mr Blobby’s giggles.
Jar of Greggs’ sausage roll flakes.
Jar of Mr Bean’s broken locks.
Jar of 1990s Blue WKD bottle caps.
Jar of Tom Jones’ handkerchiefs.
Jar of EastEnders’ drum beats.
Jar of Loose Women’s giggles.
Jar of Peppa Pig’s oinks.
Jar of Noel Edmonds’ Noel’s House Party cheers.

Cleopatra’s missing ring.
Jar of Discarded Eurovision Costumes.
Trump’s unused fake tan mitts.
Marilyn Monroe’s cracked lipstick tube.
Nelson Mandela’s bent fountain pen.
Spice Girls’ snapped platform shoe heel.
Abraham Lincoln’s pocket mirror.
Jar of anonymous fan mail addressed to “Dear Pop Star.” Cher’s broken microphone stand.
Picasso’s paintbrush chewed at the end.
Queen Elizabeth II’s forgotten teabag collection.
The missing glove from O.J. Simpson.
Boris Johnson’s crumpled speeches.
Freddie Mercury’s cracked champagne flute.
Michael Jordan’s practice basketball patch.
Jar of Deleted Facebook Pokes.
Princess Diana’s spare clutch bag.
Churchill’s ink-stained blotter.
Marilyn Manson’s snapped eyeliner sharpener.
Obama’s doodle of a basketball hoop.
Jar of Lost YouTube Videos.
Shakespeare’s lost draft: “Romeo and Jeff.”
Cleopatra’s cracked perfume bottle.
A Spice Girls crisps packet (unopened).
Elton John’s bent piano stool.
Napoleon’s child-sized boots.
Jar of Backstreet Boys fan tears.
Britney Spears’ snapped hair clip.
Churchill’s chessboard missing pawns.
Jar of discarded festival wristbands.
Princess Margaret’s cracked gin glass.
A Nokia 3310 still charged.
Jar of VHS rental late fees.
Bob Dylan’s broken guitar capo.
Queen Victoria’s snapped fan.
The Pope’s misplaced prayer beads.
Box marked “Unopened Emails, 1998–2003.”
David Bowie’s glitter jar (spilled in transit).
Napoleon’s cracked pocket watch.
Jar of forgotten passwords.
Churchill’s unused cigars.
Princess Diana’s snapped hairbrush.
Madonna’s cone bra (dented).
A Titanic dining chair.
Jar of Myspace Top 8s.
Abraham Lincoln’s quill pen.
Cher’s missing wig hair.
Michael Jackson’s broken shoelace.
The original Clippy paperclip (from Microsoft Word). Florence Nightingale’s cracked lantern glass.

GIFT SHOP

Souvenir Guide – What to Take Home from Cobbleditch "Assuming you can leave, or at least smuggle it out by owl."

A Fat Brian commemorative spoon (every one is slightly different — and slightly wrong).
Self-replicating postcards – write one, get seven in return. Breadger crumbs – bagged and sealed for “educational use.” A signed sausage roll from The Mermaid’s Armpit (will likely sign itself).

A sketch of Cobbleditch drawn entirely in gravy.
One of the enchanted floating teacups (comes with unsolicited advice).
A “Mild Regret” badge from Wobble Bottoms School gift shop. Custom perfume from Dr Lumpy Shinbit’s clinic: Eau de Puzzlement.
Screaming popcorn (bagged and muffled) from the cinema. Tiny plush version of the inflatable pet spell result – may deflate hourly.
Official map of the secret caves (guaranteed inaccurate). Bottle of Soup Van “Mystery Broth” – changes flavour depending on mood.
Replica spell scroll written entirely in sneeze.
Miniature figurine of Mr Cheese (may say “Hmm” once a week). Hand-knitted invisibility hat – doesn’t work, but you’ll look confident.
Rita the Ghost’s haunting playlist (on cursed cassette).
“Round and Flat” vinyl that only plays if the listener yawns. Pop-up book of Cobbleditch Laws – pops angrily and in the wrong order.
A leftover from the Annual Pet Inflation Parade – hopefully deflated.
Wand of Minor Annoyance – flick to cause mild queue delays or forgotten shopping lists.
Packet of Cobbleditch air – labelled “guaranteed breathable.” Glow-in-the-dark buttons from the Great Button Flood of ’92. A jar of Pickled Whisper — tastes of someone else’s secret. Official Cheese and Onion Zoo scratch-and-sniff sticker sheet (every square smells like disappointment).
Cobbleditch commemorative tea towel printed upside down.
A polite but suspicious note from Mr Onion (folded and sealed with butter).
Authentic “I queued at the Cobbleditch Bakery” wristband – crumb resistant.
Mini broom from the Squeak & Sweep guinea pigs (bristles optional).
A candle that only lights if you apologise to it first. Cobbleditch Rocks (the confectionery, not the geology — lemon flavour, vaguely alarming).
Inflatable copy of the Parish Council minutes (squeaks when sat on).
Limited-edition jar of Cobbleditch fog — leaks when opened.
A set of postcards featuring the mayor’s worst angles. Cobbleditch fridge magnet: “It’s not a phase, it’s a village.” Glow-in-the-dark socks knitted by accident during a full moon. A novelty pen that only writes in riddles.
Souvenir bell from the Clock Tower — rings out the wrong time on purpose.
The Cobbleditch Colouring Book — all crayons pre-snapped.
A “World’s Okayest Visitor” mug.
Bag of novelty gravel, labelled “possibly magical.”
Postcard of Cobbleditch Market with everyone’s eyes drawn in the wrong place.
Replica badge of honour from the Cobbleditch Constabulary (spells not included).
Souvenir candle from the Listening Caves — hums when you stare at it.
Tea cosy knitted to resemble the mayor (slightly lopsided). Cobbleditch snow globe — it rains inside.
A VHS copy of Cobbleditch: The Musical (no one owns the tape player).
Official Cobbleditch tote bag: holes pre-installed.
A pebble labelled “important.”
Mini calendar of Cobbleditch events — all the dates wrong, half of them cancelled.
Packet of Wobble Bottoms School stationery, chewed. Souvenir soap bar that makes you dirtier.

LOST PROPERTY

Cobbleditch Lost Property – Giant Microwave Deliveries (Unclaimed)
Half-knitted jumper for a three-headed llama – Likely Mrs Thrupp, who swears she once saw “a triple-necked wool beast” in her back garden.
Jar of pickled whispers – Almost certainly Old Man Rindle, who has been hoarding gossip since 1952.
One shoe filled with custard and regret – Believed to be Dennis the Rug’s. He won’t explain the custard.
VHS tape labelled “Do Not Watch” (it hums faintly) – Came from Bazookabelle’s tent; she claims it’s her “soup launch training film.”
Taxidermied budgie wearing a monocle – Last seen in the window of Mr Clacket’s Hardware Emporium.
Set of teeth in a velvet-lined sandwich box – Almost certainly belonged to Colin “Soft Bite” Murgatroyd.
Frozen lasagne signed by the Mayor of the Moon – Sent to Sticky Steve as payment for emotional candy floss.
Left-handed oven glove for invisible hands – Likely Cuppa Squeasel’s. How he ordered it remains a mystery.
Unopened letter to “The Tallest Man in Cobbleditch” – Could be Vinnie Terrapin-o; claims height “in certain moods.”
Half-melted garden gnome smelling of peppermint – Belongs to the Cobbleditch Garden Gnome Society. They deny all knowledge.
Three spoons welded together – Probably from Orbo the Flexible Accountant’s “performance kitchenware” phase.
Live snail with postcode painted on its shell – Definitely from the Snail Post pilot scheme run by Grimbo & the Unclowns.
Small brass key that unlocks nothing in the village – Bazookabelle keeps winking when asked. Portrait of a potato in a wedding dress – Painted by Miss Trixie Wonk, “commissioned by the potato itself.”
Jar of air labelled “July 1984 – Keep Refrigerated” – Could be Mr Dippy’s; the bucket hummed that summer.
Mobile phone case for a phone not invented yet – Came from the Cobbleditch Time Travel Raffle (1st prize: nausea).
Tin of alphabet soup with all the E’s removed – Gift for Lorraine Griffin after her “E boycott” phase.
Rubber duck that quacks in Latin – Believed to be Father Splott’s. He refuses to bless it.
Pair of trousers with both legs sewn shut – Belongs to Harold from The Cobbleditch Trouser Museum.
Signed photo of someone’s elbow – Found in the pub loo. The landlord claims it’s “art.” Entire trifle in a shoebox – Clearly Mavis Pudding’s, likely from the disastrous “portable dessert” trials.
Snow globe containing actual weather – Lost by the Cobbleditch Weather Guild during a meeting.
Copy of War and Peace written entirely in gravy – Only Blitzen Pilsniffer would attempt this. Mummified sandwich from “the great picnic of ’76” – Probably buried by the WI for “future flavour research.”
Large jar of “homemade fog” – Collected by the Cobbleditch Fog Enthusiasts Club. They’ve misplaced all their jars.
Woollen balaclava knitted for a horse – Probably Doris Clefton’s, who once tried to disguise a pony as her uncle.
Glow-in-the-dark turnip with googly eyes – Almost certainly from the Harvest Festival Craft Disaster.
Pair of spectacles that only show yesterday – Left behind by Norris Threadgleam.
Cabbage labelled “Do Not Lick” – No one admits to writing the label.
Bag of marbles that whisper bedtime stories – Believed to belong to the Unofficial Cobbleditch Crèche.
Inflatable dartboard signed “with love” – Could be Dennis the Rug again; he denies all darts. Half-written will on a bread roll – Suspected to be Mr Cheese’s, although he insists he only uses muffins legally.
Singing shovel that only knows sea shanties – Possibly dropped by the Cobbleditch Shanty Choir.
Jar of soup vapour (flavour uncertain) – Likely from the Soup Prophet’s failed sermon. Postcard of Cobbleditch addressed to Cobbleditch – Nobody has the courage to open it. Pair of mittens with extra thumbs – Owner unknown, possibly designed for speed knitting. Small wooden box that sighs when lifted – Traced back to no one, though Clatter Auntie won’t touch it.
Book entitled How to Leave Cobbleditch – All pages blank.
Canary in a bowler hat (papier-mâché) – Surely one of the Clacket cousins’ prototypes.
Sack of buttons, each engraved with an apology – Labelled “Not Again.”
Balloon animal fossil – Found in the Cheese & Onion Zoo reptile house.
12 identical umbrellas, all broken the same way – The Weather Guild denies responsibility. Large bottle of “Essence of Tuesday” – Leaks if handled on a Wednesday.
Old radio tuned only to screams – Possibly part of the Cobbleditch Amateur Drama Society. Half-built rocking chair that rocks by itself – Delivered to the Lost Property microwave with no address.
Jar of moustaches shaved during a solar eclipse – Owner unknown, likely ritual.
Velvet cushion embroidered with the phrase “Ask Later” – No takers.
Suitcase full of identical pebbles – Belongs to a tourist who insists they were “collectible.”

A Final Word
The details in these pages are correct at the time of writing. But the truth of the Cheese and Onion Zoo is that nothing here ever stays the same for long.
Staff and volunteers come and go. Creatures shift, grow, or vanish. Objects arrive without warning and others are quietly moved to safer homes. Sometimes change happens over years, sometimes in a single afternoon.
The zoo is a living place. A stirring pot where nothing settles for long, where each day brings something new to watch over. That is part of its challenge and part of its strength.
Life inside the gates is never still. And that is exactly how it must be.

The Cheese and Onion Zoo

Monday, May 25, 2026

Welcome to the Cheese and Onion Zoo.

The Cheese and Onion Zoo - Owners guide

Welcome to the Cheese and Onion Zoo.