Cheese and Onion Zoo Unofficial visitors map

  

🏠 ENTRANCE & PLAZA

• Singing turnstiles

• Ticket booth shaped like a nose

• Staffed by a raccoon in a waistcoat (doesn’t work there)

• Map stand that giggles when touched

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🧁 FOOD & SHOP AREA

• Screaming Snack Shack (ice cream, farting sausage rolls)

• Zoo Shop – plush creatures, spell mugs, regret souvenirs

• Bench of Regret – sits slightly too high

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🦄 PUBLIC ZONES

🟢 LEFT PATH: THE CREATURE CIRCUIT

• 🐣 Lame Mistakes Meadow
  Cotton-laying chickens, jelly cows, breadgers

• 🎈 Bubble Habitat
  Fizzy fish, invisible pandas, shrinking moose, Marilyn gorillas

• 🐾 Petting Paddock
  Wheeled pigs, burping deer, tea bag in sock tree

• 🎢 Mild Enchantments Trail
  Wand zone, smell corridor, Room of Slight Regret

🟢 RIGHT PATH: THE CHAOS STRIP

• 🎭 The Talking Tent
  Chatty boot, musical loaf Dennis, El Barneycato

• 📸 The Mishap Gallery
  Failed unicorns, egg-toasters, Eiffel truth

• 🚻 W.C. Portal Toilets
  One takes you back to the entrance
  One takes you to Swindon (please knock first)

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🚫 RESTRICTED ZONES (not labelled on official map)

🔴 Behind the Meadow:

• The Screeching Sector – Accordion wasps, shrieking wind

• Caution: Echoes do not match your voice

🔴 Lower East Ridge (fenced off with string):

• The Overflow Pens – Boover, flaming penguins

• Staff patrol with nets and jazz horns

🔴 Top of the Hill (Cloudy Area):

• Weather Wing – Home to Dennis the breeze

• Warning: “Do not fly a kite here again, Geoff”

🔴 The Unmarked Path (loops back if you blink):

• The Enclosure That Wasn’t

• Viewable only from floor 3 of snack shack

• Disappears if questioned

🔴 Below the Zoo (via tunnel under Snack Shack):

• The Hat Vault – Cursed headgear only

• Staff leave biscuits outside to keep Graham calm

🔴 Door 17 (behind a bin, smells like mustard):

• No one knows

• Opens every Tuesday

• Kevin walked in. Kevin is mist now.