🧅 Mr Onion – Character Profile
🪪 Basics & Background
How old are you?
Well, I remember my 11th birthday. After that I was 12.
So maybe 15-ish.
Where were you born?
Woolwich. Dreadful place.
I once met a girl there behind the Trans Head — turned out to be my mother.
Do you have any siblings?
A twin brother. I remember him vaguely.
He disappeared when I was young.
Never seen him since.
What’s one thing most people get wrong about you?
Because of my manly figure and physique, people assume I go to the gym.
But I’d much rather go to the fridge.
Do you have any magical abilities you never use?
I can float.
But I’m not overly keen on tights.
I mean heights.
🍽️ Food, Taste & Comforts
Favourite meal?
A good burger and chippy chips.
Food you refuse to eat?
Brown sauce.
It’s brown, for crying out loud.
Tea, coffee, or something else?
Lime milkshake.
Prefer eating alone, with friends, or animals?
Alone, if I can.
Then I can burp and it’s not a problem.
Guilty pleasure snack?
Trifle.
🎧 Likes, Dislikes & Hobbies
Secret music love?
Scandinavian medieval folk rock.
Day off routine?
Maybe a jigsaw. Bit of eBay.
Sometimes I find a pale donkey and paint it blue.
What do you collect (besides magical objects)?
Zips.
What drives you mad?
Candy Crush.
Something you wish you were good at?
Kung fu.
📜 Life & Memories
Memory you replay often?
When I won the Pulitzer Prize for my paper on levitating potatoes in Papua New Guinea.
Worst spell you ever cast?
The levitation of said potatoes.
Every single one rose 200 feet in the air.
Then they fell.
It made the news. A lot of accidents.
Who taught you something important?
Paul Daniels.
“Told me never take your hair too seriously.”
Ever been in love?
Yes. Several times.
My wife (now divorced), her sister, then her mother.
Currently single.
Last time you cried, and why?
Watching Marley & Me.
🏠 Home, Routine & Belongings
What’s your home like inside?
A bit like a museum.
And a bit like a Channel 4 documentary.
Do you sleep well?
Yes.
Both.
Pet, plant or object you talk to daily?
A fat mousen named Jimmy.
What’s beside your bed?
A photo of Carol Vorderman.
Object in your home with most memories?
My cake tin.
So many yum yum cakes.
💬 Personality & Beliefs
Optimistic or pessimistic?
Pessimistic.
Approach to rules?
Maybe a slight bend.
Who do you trust completely?
Mr Kipling.
He makes very good cakes.
Most-used phrase or motto?
“Homo prurit, fundus digitum foetidum habet.”
(Man itch bottom have stinky finger.)
One thing you believe that nobody else seems to?
Elvis is not dead.
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