Welcome to the Cheese and Onion Zoo.

 Welcome to the Cheese and Onion Zoo.

If you are reading this then you have successfully found us, which already puts you ahead of Mr Cheese who got lost near the gift shop in 2008 and somehow ended up in Lincoln.

I am Mr Cheese.

And I am Mr Onion.

Together we run and oversee the Cheese and Onion Zoo, home to many rare, unusual and occasionally confusing creatures. Some are friendly. Some are not. Some still owe us money.

Before you continue there are a few things worth mentioning.

Firstly, neither of us knows how computers work.

We don't understand them.

We don't trust them.

Last week Mr Onion pressed something called "refresh" and accidentally ordered three garden rakes and a camping toilet.

As a result, all of the blog and computer jobs are looked after by Crispin Paquets.

Crispin writes things down for us, uploads information and occasionally explains what a password is.

We still aren't fully convinced.

To us it just feels like writing secret words on little bits of paper and hoping electricity remembers them.

Inside this section of the blog you will find:

• Animal records

• Zoo history

• Staff information

• Feeding notes

• Incident reports

• Escape reports

• More escape reports

• Animals currently banned from birthday parties

• Creatures we still cannot identify

Please remember not to tap on the glass.

Do not feed anything unless instructed.

Do not stare directly at the Lobster of Regret.

And if you hear somebody shouting "HE'S OUT AGAIN" please remain calm and move toward the nearest exit.

Enjoy your visit.

Mr Cheese and Mr Onion

(Crispin typed this because Mr Cheese somehow got butter in the keyboard.)