🧀🐐 WELCOME TO THE CHEESE & ONION ZOO
A place of wonder, weirdness, and questionable safety.
📍 ZOO HOURS
Open: When the sun yawns
Closed: When someone steps on a duck and says “that’s enough”
🎟️ TICKETS
Adults: 3 marshmallows and a promise
Children: 2 buttons and a vague memory
Family Pass: Available if your family includes a goat
🗺️ WHAT TO SEE
Lame Mistakes Meadow (wool-chickens, jelly cows, breadgers)
Bubble Habitat (burp-visible pandas, Marilyn gorillas)
Petting Paddock (signed waiver required — tea bag bites)
The Talking Tent (boot is always right)
Mishap Gallery (toaster that lays eggs, Eiffel secrets)
⚠️ THINGS TO AVOID
The Screeching Sector (even your ears will scream)
Door 17 (Kevin went in. Kevin is fog.)
The Hat Vault (the hats will ask, don’t answer)
Weather Wing (Dennis bites. Graham judges.)
🧷 LOST & FOUND
Located inside a drawer that denies being a drawer
Items currently held:
1 loud sock
A hat that remembers things you didn’t do
A sandwich that won’t shut up
💬 FREQUENTLY UNHELPFUL QUESTIONS
Q: Where are the toilets?
A: One takes you to the exit. One takes you to Swindon. Good luck.
Q: Is it safe?
A: Define “safe.”
Q: Is there a map?
A: Yes. It keeps changing. It doesn’t like commitment.
Q: Can we feed the animals?
A: No. Some of them might try to feed you.
Q: Who is Fat Brian?
A: Exactly.
🧹 ZOO RULES (probably)
Do not swap legs with anything.
If you hear your name whispered and no one is there — leave that area.
If a creature offers you a riddle, politely say, “Not today, thank you.”
Don’t go into Enclosure 12. Don’t ask why.
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