🏛️ The Cobbleditch Curiosity Wing
A standalone building filled with strange and suspect artefacts.
Half feel oddly familiar.
Half feel suspiciously invented.
All of them feel wrong in exactly the right way.
🥣 The Shelf of Cancelled Pot Noodle Flavours
All sealed. All suspicious.
Gorgonzola & Sadness
Banana and Gravy Fusion
Pickled Egg & Energy Drink
Toothpaste Surprise
Hot Tuna & White Chocolate
Corned Beef Espress-o
Pesto & Sausage Water
Smoky Raisin
Crab Cola
Ham Air (contains no ham, just the suggestion)
Spicy Envelope
Mango & Mustard Fusion
Flan Chilli
Dusty Bacon Milkshake
Worcester Sauce & Toffee Bits
Shoe Polish Ramen
Lemon Chicken (But Not That Kind)
Damp Wotsit & Pea
Coconut, Ham & Regret
Boiled Egg and Battery Acid (Limited Edition)
🛁 The Bubble Bath Blunder Bar
A shelf of scented bath foams discontinued after one deeply upsetting focus group.
Bare Foot in the Grass – exactly as it sounds
Garage Dust & Regret
Grandad’s Armchair (Warmed)
Pub Carpet
Week-Old Lasagne
Soggy Croissant
Tinned Peach Memory
Creamy Tension
Damp Biscuit Delight
Cheese & Calm
Lick of the Lamppost
Old Crayon Box
Raincoat That’s Seen Things
Microwaved Trifle
Postman’s Shoulder
Sock Drawer in June
Fizzy Bin
Partially Digested Parma Violet
The Colour Taupe
Sneeze in a Lift
🎵 Björk’s Animal Albums Collection
A series of deeply experimental records created specifically for non-human listeners. All limited run, all somehow sticky.
"Shriek 8"
Made for owls. Mostly wind, glass tapping, and Björk quietly saying “who?”"Soft Claws, Wet Fur"
For cats in existential crisis. Pressed on yarn."Cud Symphony No. 5"
A 74-minute moan for cows. Very popular in Belgium."Snout Pop"
An upbeat dance EP for pigs. Only playable at 1.7x speed."Hiss Kiss"
Marketed to snakes. Includes no vocals. Just heat."Shrimp Core"
Bubble-heavy deep-sea dubstep. Not audible to humans."To The Lark I Never Met"
A concept album for birds with abandonment issues."Worm Beats"
Sub-bass frequency only detectable underground. Sold with soil."Unseen but Feeling"
Made for moths. Vinyl glows. Cover is velvet."Icelandic Barks, Vol. 3"
For dogs, but specifically Icelandic dogs. Everyone else finds it upsetting.
✈️ 10 Airfix Models Made by Elvis Presley
All made between 1973–1975 during his lesser-known “quiet, gluey phase.”
Each one is displayed in a smudged glass cabinet lined with velvet and rhinestones.
B-52 Bomber (with glitter)
Lopsided. Two wings on the same side. Covered in sequins.WWII Submarine
Painted gold. Contains a tiny stage and miniscule mic.Apollo Rocket
Named “The Suspicious Liftoff.” Partially melted by a fried peanut butter sandwich.Battle Tank
Camouflage replaced with tiny blue suede boot decals.Spitfire
Wings signed “E.P.” in Sharpie. Nose cone stuffed with chewing gum.Plastic Cowboy
From a Wild West kit. Elvis glued his own photo over the face.Train Engine
Covered in rhinestones. Doesn’t fit on the track. Somehow plays “Jailhouse Rock.”Roman Chariot
Features a rider with Elvis’s sideburns and a sandwich in each hand.UFO (unofficial)
Made entirely from leftover parts. Labeled “Gracelien I.”Motorbike & Sidecar
Sidecar contains a tiny model of Elvis asleep in his own model.
❌ Kinder Rejects: Too Big to Surprise
A collection of 20 toys, prototypes, and baffling oddities that were meant to go inside Kinder Eggs, but were deemed far too large, unsafe, or emotionally confusing.
🍫 Too Big to Egg:
A Full-Size Deckchair
Wouldn’t fit. Even folded. Still contains sand.Miniature Working Drum Kit
All the pieces rattled. Caused several lawsuits.Real Parrot (Asleep)
Box read: “He’ll wake when you shake it!” (He did.)Wedding Cake Topper of Two Strangers
No explanation. No names. One’s crying icing.Six-Cup Muffin Tray
Contains half a muffin. No one knows whose.Inflatable Canoe
Requires eight hours of breath and eternal regret.Talking Thermometer (Portuguese Only)
Shouts 38°C no matter what.Tiny Working Fan Heater
Plug not included. Scorched three pockets.A Shoehorn Made of Crayons
Looks helpful. Isn’t.Origami Kit With Live Frog
Frog was not origami. Box was unclear.Golden Retriever (Partially Assembled)
Just fur and optimism. Not recommended.DVD of a Man Explaining Clouds
No chapters. 4 hours. No man credited.Plastic Shed with Working Doorbell
Doorbell summons nothing but fear.Unlabelled Tub of Goo
Actually strawberry jam. Now banned.One Steel-Toed Boot
No pair. Size 14. Possible evidence.Tiny Replica of a Cashpoint
Pressing buttons dispenses raisins.Crispy Pancake Diorama
Featuring Napoleon made of cheese.Crying Robot That Won’t Explain Why
Tears smell of vinegar.Battery-Operated Squirrel in a Suit
Claims to be an accountant. Denies nothing.Mini Pop-Up Tent
Comes with mystery stain and no poles.
🍐 20 Weird Shaped Fruits That Never Took Off
Square Pineapple
Stackable, yes. Biteable, no.Banana Knot
One banana. Tied in a permanent loop. No clear start or end.Coneberry
Looks like an ice cream cone. Tastes like carpet.Cube Lemon
Impossible to squeeze. Fizzed out of spite.Spiral Pear
Beautiful to look at. Impossible to eat. Causes confusion and mild nausea.Hexa-Grape Cluster
Each grape is a perfect hexagon. Crunches in a way no grape should.Inside-Out Orange
Peel is soft. Middle is rock hard. Reverse designed by accident.Tubular Apple
Long and hollow. Used briefly as wind instrument.Tetrahedron Kiwi
Looks like it was made by aliens. Possibly was.Flat Peach Disc
So flat it fits in a wallet. Doesn’t survive chewing.The Spiral Avocado
Hard to hold. Impossible to pit. Looks like a prank.Spherical Cucumber
Rolled off shelves. Literally.The Rhombus Melon
Mathematically sound. Gastronomically offensive.Eggplant Pyramid
Popular with conspiracy theorists. Tastes of despair.The Dodecahedra Tomato
Twelve sides. All of them weirdly damp.The Trapezoid Mango
Looks like a geometry test. Tastes like one too.Octagon Lime
Used once in cocktails. Caused eight different allergic reactions.Y-Shaped Strawberry
Grows that way naturally… but always seems to be watching you.The Pretzel Cherry
Two cherries grown into a twist. Delicious, but banned after incident.The Wavy Banana
Too cheeky. No one trusted it.
🛏️ Exhibit 337: The Rare Kingsize Bed Breville
Category: Appliance Miscalculations | Origin: Bavaria | Circa 1981
Status: Museum Piece (Slightly Warm)
Description:
An industrial-scale sandwich toaster capable of pressing a sandwich the size of a full kingsize bed. Originally developed by a group of optimistic German engineers during a late-night snack conference in Düsseldorf.
Notable Features:
Requires two forklift operators and a week’s notice.
Each ‘sandwich’ uses one full loaf per corner.
Filling suggestions included: whole lasagna, one pig, duvet of cheese.
Toasting process emits a noise described as “introspective thunder.”
Prototype caught fire after first (and only) test sandwich.
Quote from user testimonial:
“It seemed like a good idea at the time. But we had to sleep in the crust.” – Anonymous intern, now a monk.
Warning Label:
“Do not attempt to sit inside. You are not ham.”
🧱 Exhibit 118: Plebo – The Building Toy That Refused
Tagline:
“Almost Lego. Mostly Let-Go.”
Description:
Plebo was a short-lived construction toy released in the mid-90s by a rival toy company that “didn’t believe in friction.” Each set contained bright, cheerful plastic bricks in familiar shapes… except none of them clicked, stuck, slotted, or stayed.
Contents of Original Box:
72 loose, slippery bricks
1 “instruction scroll” with blank pages
A printed note: "Imagination is the only glue."
User Reviews:
“The tower fell before I even breathed.”
“It’s like trying to build with soap.”
“I cried, and so did my dad.”
Design Flaws Include:
Rounded undersides
Bricks made of suspiciously soft plastic
Entire set melted into itself after mild sunshine
Marketing Campaign:
Ran briefly with the jingle: “Plebo — build your own dreams, then watch them slide away.”
🪖 Exhibit 043: Action Man Without a Face
Codename: "Operative: Blank."
Release Year: 1992 (briefly)
Description:
An eerie manufacturing error or deliberate artistic choice — no one’s ever confirmed. This Action Man came fully equipped with combat gear, real gripping hands, and absolutely no facial features whatsoever. Just smooth, skin-coloured plastic where eyes, nose, and mouth should be.
Marketing Slogan (quickly dropped):
"He sees with his heart. He screams with silence."
Accessories Included:
Camouflage outfit
Grappling hook
Tiny mirror (presumably for irony)
Dog tags reading: “NAME CLASSIFIED. IDENTITY UNAVAILABLE.”
Rumoured Abilities:
Cannot blink
Always watching
Parents returned him in record numbers, citing “existential dread”
Urban Legend:
One child claimed he woke up to find his own face missing after sleeping with the toy under his pillow. This was never proven. But the toy was discontinued the next morning.
🧊 Exhibit 029: The Puzzle Cube That Doesn’t Move
Brand Name: ThinkAgain!
Tagline: “It’s already solved. Or is it?”
Description:
A perfectly formed 3x3 puzzle cube, brightly coloured, weighty in the hand, and absolutely, entirely fixed. It does not twist. It does not click. It does not yield.
Customer Confusion:
Upon release, children and adults alike spent days attempting to turn the sections — only to discover it was cast as a single immovable block.
Box Includes:
Cube
Pamphlet titled "How to Accept Disappointment"
Certificate of “Completion” for simply owning it
Critical Reception:
“Brilliant commentary on the futility of effort.” – Some Art Critic
“I threw it at a wall. It won.” – One-star review, Amazon
“Mine caught fire. Just a little bit.” – Email from a teacher in Kent
Fun Fact:
Originally marketed as "Challenge Cube Pro." Lawsuits quickly followed.
👖 Exhibit 244: The Fashion Wheel (Boys’ Edition)
Subtitle: “Bold Looks for the Modern Lad”
Tagline: “Just spin, trace, and confuse yourself.”
Description:
A gender-targeted spin-off of the beloved ‘Fashion Wheel’ — except instead of sleek trousers, sporty jackets or cool t-shirts, every spin results in… lederhosen. Sometimes floral. Sometimes metallic. Always lederhosen.
Included Wheel Sections:
Top: Slightly damp waistcoat
Bottom: Lederhosen
Shoes: Loafers with spurs
Accessories: Bavarian hat, bratwurst holster, monocle
Known Issues:
Wheel only has three interchangeable templates
Instructions state “Just accept the lederhosen”
All colour suggestions include 'mustard', 'dust', or 'liver'
From the Back of the Box:
"Design the outfit of your dreams! Or at least, your uncle’s awkward wedding outfit from 1983."
Public Response:
"My son cried after every outfit."
"Somehow drew lederhosen even when the pen ran out."
"We made 86 designs. Every one… was lederhosen."
👧 Exhibit 306: Girl’s World Head (With No Hair)
Model: Style Me Sally
Condition: Pre-loved? Post-apocalyptic?
Description:
A beloved classic styling toy… only this version arrived completely bald. No rooted hair, no wig, no explanation. Just a large plastic head with cold, hopeful eyes and a scalp as smooth as regret.
Box Claims:
“Hours of hairstyling fun!”
“Create hundreds of looks!”
“Brush sold separately.”
(All crossed out by a previous owner with a red felt-tip pen.)
Public Feedback:
“She stares at me while I sleep.”
“I gave her a hat and apologised.”
“I put glitter on her scalp. It didn’t help.”
Known Defects:
Emits faint creaking sound when touched
One eyelash constantly falls off
Comes with tiny comb that serves no purpose
Rumoured Origins:
Prototype made during a factory wig shortage in 1992. Accidentally shipped to toy stores during a full moon.
🌌 Exhibit 412: Star Wars Action Figures (Factory-Sealed Forever)
Series Title: “Do Not Remove. Do Not Enjoy.”
Manufacturer: Slightly Off-Brand Plastico Ltd.
Description:
An entire run of Star Wars figures from the late 90s, marketed as “Collector’s Grade.” Each box is vacuum-sealed with an industrial resin polymer, fused at the molecular level.
Attempting to open one results in cracking, melting, or loud weeping noises (from you, not the box).
Figures Include:
Luke Skywalker (Emotionally Blocked Edition)
Yoda with Pre-Attached Dust
Leia in Carbonite (wasn’t meant to be)
Obi-Wan “Will Never Pose” Kenobi
Jar Jar Binks with Glued Joints and Existential Despair
Box Text Highlights:
“Authentic detail you’ll never touch!”
“Choking hazard — emotionally, not physically.”
“A true collector never opens. Ever. No, seriously. Don’t.”
Display Includes:
A shelf labelled “Never Yours”
One figure slowly spinning behind bulletproof glass
An animatronic voice whispering “Let go… you must”
🪨 Exhibit 413: Special Edition Darth Vader (That’s Just a Rock)
Packaging Tagline: “Feel the Force... of sedimentary structure.”
Description:
A heavy black rock. No sculpting, no features, no articulation. Sold briefly in the early 2000s as part of a “Minimalist Sith” range. It does not resemble Darth Vader in any way, shape, or galaxy.
Included Accessories:
A small sticker that says “VADER”
A certificate of authenticity signed by someone named “Greg”
Rumour:
Fans believed it was a metaphor. It was not. It was just a rock from outside the factory.
Warning:
Caused multiple foot injuries when mistaken for merchandise with purpose.
🧼 Exhibit 414: Unofficial Chewbacca (Clearly Just a Bathmat)
Manufacturer: Unknown. Possibly just Karen from accounts.
Description:
A thick brown bathmat with glued-on googly eyes and a cheap belt tied around the middle. Marketed at car boot sales and niche toy fairs as “Chewbacca: Domestic Edition.”
Features:
Smells faintly of mildew and Lynx Africa
Completely immobile
Could technically absorb a small spill
Customer Review:
“I dried my feet on it. It growled. Might’ve been my cat.”
Fun Fact:
Once accidentally sold to a Lucasfilm rep who used it to clean his windscreen.
Both are displayed beside a slowly deflating Death Star beanbag, beneath the official sign:
“The Force Wasn’t With These.”
🚗 Exhibit 415: Hot Wheels (That Are Neither Hot Nor Have Wheels)
Collection Name: Warm Bricks™
Box Quote: “It’s the thought that counts. Sometimes.”
Description:
A line of miniature cars made entirely of solid rubber blocks. No wheels. No paint. No heat.
Despite the branding, they neither roll nor warm up — unless left in direct sunlight for eight hours (at which point they become slightly sticky).
Models in the Series:
The Asphalt Blob
Race Lump XJ-7
Convertible Disappointment
The '70s Beige Nothingmobile
Packaging Includes:
Speed lines drawn on the box to imply motion
Tagline: “Sleek. Silent. Stuck.”
A warning not to microwave them again
Known Incidents:
A child attempted to race two down a slide. They just sat there.
One melted gently into a shag carpet during a birthday party.
A limited edition glowed faintly for three minutes, then never again.
Would you like to display them stacked like a sad pyramid under a sign that says “Go Nowhere, Fast!”, or arranged in a mocked-up racetrack where none of them have moved in over 17 years?
Yes, of course. They sit proudly—yet motionlessly—in the “Sports Equipment That Missed the Point” gallery, near the One-Piece Tennis Racquet Made of Jelly and the Snooker Balls Made of Bread.
🟥 Exhibit 416: Square Footballs
Brand Name: KickBlox™
Slogan: “Revolutionise the game. And your shins.”
Description:
A cube-shaped “football” designed to improve precision and reduce unpredictable bounce. In reality, it improved nothing and caused 47 sprained ankles, 3 fractured toes, and one disbanded under-11s team.
Original Marketing Points:
“Perfect corners—literally.”
“A goal is now a miracle.”
“Not ideal for heading. Or passing. Or kicking.”
Packaging Features:
Bold lightning graphics
A photo of a child crying (possibly unintended)
“Endorsed by someone’s cousin who played once for Stevenage Reserves”
Known Variants:
Glow-in-the-dark (still not visible when launched into despair)
Inflatable (not square anymore)
Sand edition (immediately banned from all beaches)
Fan Feedback:
“Bounced like a filing cabinet.”
“I now understand chaos theory.”
“My dog brought it back and then left home.”
🛑 Exhibit 417: The Banned He-Man Figures
Subsection: “Masters of the Mildly Inappropriate”
1. Moistor
Master of Dampness
Slightly wet at all times
Comes with sponge and visible embarrassment
Smells faintly of mildew
2. Elbowon
He Who Commands Elbows
Elbows everywhere
Moves only sideways
Haunts chiropractors' dreams
3. Crank Chef
The Furious Baker of Eternia
Flaming spatula of doom
Exploding buns
Voted “Most Likely to Assault Skeletor With Pastry”
4. Sir Lint
Knight of the Forgotten Tumble Dryer
Attracts dust, regret, and stray socks
Shocks enemies with static guilt
Includes detachable lint crown
5. Grumblegruff
The Snarling Underbeast
Too tired to care
Giant squeaky slipper
Frequently mutters “I didn’t sign up for this.”
🥋 Exhibit 418: Teenage Mutant Ninja Grandmas
Series Title: Tea-Time Mutants: Grannies in a Half Cardigan™
Tagline: “Slow. Wrinkled. Dangerous.”
Backstory:
Four elderly women exposed to a mystical broth in the village soup kitchen. Now they live in a converted bingo hall, fighting minor crime, correcting manners, and knitting dangerously sharp scarves.
Character Roster:
Rosabell-a – Wields a spiked walking stick. Says “Cowabuncha, dear.”
Dottyangelo – Throws crocheted doilies like ninja stars.
Leontina – Strategic genius. Won’t fight without her handbag.
Margeatello – Has a zimmer frame with flamethrowers. Bakes weaponised scones.
Their Master:
Splintered Hip – A wise old rat who taught them everything, until he forgot and taught them again.
Known Enemies:
The Shredder (a literal paper shredder that gained sentience)
The Tupper Clan (an underground lid mafia)
Nurse Knuckles (keeps trying to make them nap)
Special Moves:
The Denture Boomerang
Afternoon Tea Ambush
The Great Hot Water Bottle Slam
🩲 Exhibit 419: Pantformers™
Tagline: “More than meets the thigh.”
Slogan on the box: “They’re underwear. They’re robots. They’re confused.”
Concept:
Originally meant to rival Transformers, Pantformers were robotic heroes that transformed into various undergarments. Not practical. Not wanted. Deeply unsettling.
Featured Characters:
Briefor – Transforms from a mild-mannered bot into a pair of sagging Y-fronts.
Throngon – Turns into synthetic leopard-print trunks. Never sells.
B.O.X.E.R. – A bulky robot who becomes giant novelty boxer shorts with “Tuesday” embroidered on them.
Lacyron – A misguided attempt at sexy shapewear for the children’s market. Quickly recalled.
Commando-X – Doesn't transform at all. He just is.
Marketing Failure Points:
“Transforming sequence” was just folding them.
Some were actually wearable. No one wanted to.
Banned from school playgrounds after one was “accidentally” thrown at a headteacher.
Included Accessories:
Snap-on elastic belts
Battle waistband
3-pack collector sleeve
🥬 Exhibit 420: Cabbage Patch Cabbage
Tagline: “From the patch… but not a kid.”
Item Type:
100% cabbage. No limbs, no face, no personality traits. Just a plain, medium-sized green cabbage nestled in a vintage baby bonnet.
Origin:
Issued during the 1985 “Back to Nature” campaign, where toy companies attempted to combine wholesome food with adoptable characters. This was the only one without a name, story, or soul.
Packaging Included:
A baby blanket
An adoption certificate signed only by “Mother Leaf”
A pamphlet explaining how to care for your cabbage (“light misting encouraged”)
A small shovel
Memorable Customer Review:
“It didn’t do anything. I still cried when it went brown.” – Liam, age 6
Current Display:
Resting on a vintage knitted doily, encased in a humidity-controlled glass dome.
One leaf has curled slightly in what some claim looks like a smile. They're wrong.
Would you like it to be part of a full Cabbage Patch Oddities Wing, featuring other failed spin-offs like:
Cabbage Patch Lint
Cabbage Patch Rock (not a pet, just a rock)
Cabbage Patch Cousin (a turnip)
🎸 Exhibit 421: “Cursed Costumes of Rock”
Subsection: Stage Outfits So Eye-Offensive They Broke Spirits (and occasionally retinas)
Warning Sign: DO NOT GAZE DIRECTLY AT THE ZIGZAG.
📍 Key Pieces on Display:
1. Ziggy Chinstar’s Laser Codpiece Cloak
Worn once in 1974.
Shot beams directly into the audience’s corneas.
Still hums ominously.
Causes mild vertigo in anyone named Derek.
2. Glarth Mondo’s Sequinned Onesie of Shame
So tight it altered history.
Rumoured to hiss if you approach wearing polyester.
Last worn on stage during a cover of “I Fought the Law” (he lost).
3. Trixie Krunk’s Flaming Bell-Bottoms
Made of live crickets and glitter glue.
Caught fire mid-guitar solo.
Trixie later claimed, “It added urgency.”
4. The Silent Poncho of El Prawn
Worn with no explanation.
Radiates the faint smell of prawns and regret.
Curse: Everyone who wears it forgets the word for "ladder."
5. Shag Lazer’s Mirrorball Trousers
Blinded two backup dancers.
Refracted light directly into another dimension.
Currently reflects only childhood embarrassment.
6. The Velvet Hat of Banshee Jim
Worn backwards with feathers pointing east.
Rumoured to contain an actual banshee.
Plays "Wuthering Heights" whenever it’s windy.
7. Vanya Vox’s See-Through Armour
Technically clothing. Spiritually a lawsuit.
Cursed with the ability to reveal emotional baggage.
Each outfit is labelled with:
Date of last known performance
Number of audience members fainted
Known side effects (e.g. dry mouth, spontaneous sobbing, minor banishment)
🔥 Addendum: 10 Real Rock Star Outfits Now Classified as “Too Powerful”
1. Prince’s Yellow Lace Bodysuit (1991)
Transparent. Defiant.
Rumoured to disrupt pacemakers.
Still radiates confidence that can crush a grown man.
2. Freddie Mercury’s Harlequin Leotard
Worn with zero hesitation.
Absorbed an estimated 43 encores.
Technically illegal in six EU countries due to “emotional impact.”
3. Elton John’s Donald Duck Costume (Central Park, 1980)
Caused three nosebleeds and a spiritual awakening.
Still quacks when no one’s looking.
Staff refer to it as “The Beaked Menace.”
4. David Bowie’s Kansai Yamamoto Bodysuit
Feathers, stripes, and stardust.
Still folds itself mysteriously at night.
Causes mild prophetic dreams if stared at for too long.
5. Madonna’s Cone Bra (Blonde Ambition Tour)
Engineering marvel.
Can be used to pick up FM radio.
All mirrors in the room fog when it’s uncovered.
6. Björk’s Swan Dress (2001 Oscars)
Originally a prank on the swan.
Sometimes rotates gently in its case.
Frequently lays a fake egg.
7. Mick Jagger’s White Jumpsuit with Cape (Altamont 1969)
Still smells of ego and patchouli.
The cape flaps even in still air.
Has been caught whispering “angie…” at 3am.
8. Cher’s 1989 If I Could Turn Back Time Bodystocking
Caused multiple shipwrecks.
Only viewable with protective goggles.
Comes with a tiny leather jacket of false modesty.
9. Slash’s Top Hat (Guns N’ Roses)
Absorbs cigarette smoke and guitar riffs.
Moving it has led to minor earthquakes.
Storage box labeled: “DO NOT PUT NEAR CHILDREN OR DRUM KITS.”
10. Gene Simmons’ Dragon Boots (KISS)
7 feet tall.
Occasionally roar.
Forbidden from use near poultry.
Each now rests on eerie mannequins that look too real and are cordoned off with glowing tape and warning signs like “May Still Tour” and “Contains Residual Swagger.”
Would you like a side display of rock fashion knock-offs worn by Cobbleditch locals at karaoke night?
Welcome to:
🎯 Exhibit 422: “Here’s What You Could Have Won…”
A collection of real, mind-boggling, questionably useful prizes from classic British game shows like Bullseye and 3-2-1.
Tucked into a velvet-draped corner of the museum, this exhibit features twenty genuine prizes that left contestants (and viewers) blinking in disbelief.
🏆 Bullseye Prizes:
1. A Set of Encyclopaedias
Useless within 2 years.
One contestant said, “I only read the B. Got bored at beavers.”
2. A Caravan Awning (but no caravan)
Displayed here on a washing line.
Labeled “a partial dream.”
3. A Pottery Wheel
Accompanied by one lump of clay.
Still has thumbprint from a 1984 contestant who cried.
4. A Set of Golf Clubs (for someone who didn’t play)
Winner said: “I live in a flat in Croydon.”
Clubs are stuck together with marmalade.
5. A Cuddly Toy (Yes, Really)
Frayed. Looks ashamed.
Has its own bench and security rope.
6. A Speedboat (for someone in Sheffield)
Still has the original confused face photo.
Caption: "Never touched water. Lives in a garage."
7. A Spice Rack
Half the jars still full. Mostly cloves.
One lid permanently fused shut.
8. An Exercise Bike
Never used.
Squeaks the Bullseye theme tune when pedaled.
9. A Miniature Greenhouse
Winner famously said: “What do I do with this, plant smaller tomatoes?”
10. An Electric Foot Spa
Never plugged in.
Mysteriously moist.
📺 3-2-1 Prizes:
11. A Bin (Yes. An actual Dustbin)
With lid.
Not a metaphor.
Decorated with a question mark.
12. A Week’s Supply of Tinned Asparagus
Now display-only. Smells faintly suspicious.
Rejected live on-air with the words: “I hate veg.”
13. A Reclining Armchair… With No Arms
Sits awkwardly at the back of the hall.
Labeled: "The Chair of Shrugging Disappointment."
14. A Fondue Set
Melts nothing.
Forks too bendy.
Has a handwritten note: “Please return after use.”
15. A VCR Cleaner Kit
Displayed next to a VCR that once hissed.
16. A Teasmade Alarm Clock
Still dribbles.
Set permanently to 3:21am.
17. A Sandwich Toaster (used)
Won by mistake.
One corner still contains a crisp from 1982.
18. A Vase with “3-2-1” Logo
Not dishwasher safe.
Winner once claimed it “sounded like crying.”
19. An Electric Knife
“For meats or marital tension.”
20. A Home Tanning Kit
Warned: “Might slightly hum.”
Now only used to dry museum tea towels.
Each prize sits on its own dusty plinth, with a quote from the original contestant or studio announcer, and a small, slowly spinning model of Dusty Bin rotating in the centre of the room.
🦸♂️ Exhibit 423: “Sworn & Superhuman — 30 Historical Affidavits That Prove Superheroes Exist”
Filed, notarised, and very likely forged… but persuasive nonetheless.
These aged, dog-eared documents, many tea-stained and scrawled in a variety of calligraphy, claim to offer irrefutable proof that caped, masked, or unnaturally gifted individuals have always walked among us.
Here’s the first ten to start us off:
🗒️ Section One: Early Centuries
Affidavit from a Roman Centurion (43AD)
Claims he saw a man leap over Hadrian’s Wall "like a startled deer in sandals."Testimony of Brother Miles, Monastery of Cold Biscuit (1096)
Swore a "floating nun" healed 12 villagers and then flew into the sun.1483 Declaration by Leonardo da Vinci’s Apprentice
Describes an “unkillable man with metal bones” who posed for three sketches and then vanished.Pirate Ledger, 1704
Signed by Captain Tumblesnout, recounting an invincible child who sank his ship by blowing on the sails.Napoleonic Soldier’s Statement (1813)
Testified that a glowing Frenchman blocked a cannonball with his chest and tutted.Affidavit from Jane Snippet, 1831 (Derbyshire)
Filed at the village hall: “My neighbour Bertram turned invisible again. He keeps doing it during Bingo.”Queen Victoria’s Confidential Note (Sealed until 2001)
Briefly mentions a “man in crimson tights” who helped with an embarrassing corgi situation.Butcher's Statement, Wandsworth (1912)
Refers to “woman with steam eyes” who demanded four pounds of lamb and melted the scale.Royal Air Force Pilot's Affidavit (1942)
Describes a man flying “faster than our planes” who saluted before vanishing into cloud.Sworn Diary Entry of Cynthia Bleep (1955)
Claims her hairdryer came to life and told her she had “latent laser eyes.”
Excellent. Below are ten accompanying artefacts now housed in sealed, velvet-lined display cases beside their matching affidavits in Exhibit 423: Sworn & Superhuman:
🧤 Superhuman Artefacts – Case Files 001–010
Cracked Sandal of the Wall-Leaper
Worn thin, scorched at the toe.
Said to belong to the Roman man who leapt Hadrian’s Wall. Smells faintly of thyme.
Feathered Rosary of the Floating Nun
Emits soft humming. Feathers never fall off.
Believed to be made from owl, swan, and “unidentified.”
Da Vinci’s Lost Sketchbook Page
Charcoal drawing of a man labelled “Too Many Joints?”
Ink-stamped “DO NOT REPRINT. He’s watching.”
Splinter from Captain Tumblesnout’s Ship
Still damp.
Glows when near citrus fruit. Possibly haunted.
French Cannonball (Flattened)
Impossibly dented into a human torso shape.
Taped label: “Do not provoke the red one.”
Invisible Bertram’s Bingo Dabber
Appears normal until you try to touch it.
Lives in a sealed glass tube labelled "Please don’t tell Bertram we found it."
Royal Corgi Capelet (Miniature Size)
Red velvet, slightly chewed.
Embroidered initials: S.T.M. (possibly Saviour of The Monarch?)
Melted Butcher’s Weighing Scale
Half plastic, half fused lamb bone.
Still reads “4lb” no matter what you place on it.
RAF Flight Goggles with Wing Dents
Bent frames. Pilot’s initials carved into the strap: “B.W.”
The wings are from something, but no bird on record.
Cynthia Bleep’s Glowing Hairdryer
Plug removed for safety.
Occasionally emits a low whisper: "You are ready."
🧸 Display 431A: The Forgotten (and Rude) Care Bears
“For emotional development… or emotional damage.”
Careless Bear
Embroidered middle finger.
Belly badge: a broken alarm clock and a shrug.
Passive-Aggress-a-Bear
Constantly mutters, “No no, you go first.”
Belly badge: a dagger in a compliment.
Honest Bear
Says things like “You’ve aged.”
Belly badge: a mirror and a sigh.
Lickety Split Bear
Too much tongue.
Belly badge: a melting ice cream and two confused strawberries.
No-Pants Bear
Refused all outfits.
Belly badge: a pair of underpants crossed out with red crayon.
🐴 Display 431B: My Little Pints – The Shire Horse Misprint Collection
“Friendship is... heavier than expected.”
Flump-A-Hump
17 hands high, wears a tutu.
Can only neigh the theme tune off-key.
Clydesydoodle
Hooves like anvils.
Was meant to be pink, came out slate grey with sideburns.
Chunky Whisper
Delicate soul in a massive body.
Known to crush fences while trying to skip.
Daisy Plod
Covered in stickers. Hates them.
Has never trotted once. Only trudges.
Glitter Thump
Wings that can’t lift, a glitter horn made of chalk.
Once tried ballet. Caused an earthquake.
Welcome to Display 517: “Original Sizes of Sweets Before the Sugar Inflation”
— a towering, pastel-striped cabinet filled with replicas of enormous, questionably real sweets, guarded by a wax figure of an old newsagent whispering, “They were this big, I swear.”
Here’s a peek at what’s inside:
🍭 EXHIBIT HIGHLIGHTS:
1. Yorkie: The Pavement Brick Edition (1979)
Original size: 9 inches long, 3 inches thick.
One bar required both hands and a warning label.
“Not for girls” and also not for pockets.
2. Fruit Pastilles (Pre-1990 Expansion Pack)
Each one roughly the size of a plum.
People used to slice them like bread.
3. Freddo (Full Frog Form)
A hand-sized chocolate frog with limbs, tongue, and visible sadness.
Cost: 5p. Trauma: immeasurable.
4. Curly Wurly (Uncut)
Once used as scaffolding on a primary school in Derby.
Children could hula-hoop with one.
Came with its own paper towel.
5. Smarties (Original Cannon-Filled Tube)
Delivered via small artillery-style cardboard cannon.
Tube big enough for a hamster to live in. Many did.
6. Wham Bar (Event Format)
Over a foot long.
Needed two kids to stretch it out and at least one to chew.
Caused “Wham Jaw,” a real thing in Derbyshire until 1987.
7. Refreshers (Sidewalk Slabs)
Came in boxes of one.
Chewing them was considered a rite of passage and a dental emergency.
8. Sherbet Fountain (Old Pipework Model)
The liquorice stick was the size of a broom handle.
The sherbet was kept in an old Quality Street tin.
9. Double Dip (Party Tray Edition)
Dips served in two separate paper plates.
Came with a novelty spade instead of a stick.
10. Cadbury Creme Egg (Royal Banquet Edition)
Once the size of a tennis ball.
Took 3–5 hours to eat.
One child from Yorkshire never finished theirs, and it’s still on display.
🪩 Interactive Display: “Try to Lift the Real Yorkie”
Located under velvet rope, behind two motionless security pigeons.
A slab of chocolate, roughly the size of a paving stone, rests on a velvet cushion inside a perspex box. A faded sign reads:
THE YORKIE THAT ENDED A THUMB WAR
Original Weight: “Heavy”
Estimated Calories: 44,000
Bitten Once. No One’s Owned Up.
Next to it:
A child-size dumbbell rack for scale.
A button that plays a grunt sound when pressed.
And a leaderboard showing failed attempts from local dignitaries, including:
Mayor Trellis (pulled something)
Janey Splat (refused on principle)
Norm the Fence (claimed he lifted it, was lying)
One corner has a sticky fingerprint from 1984—framed in gold.
Would you like to add a nearby vending machine that dispenses modern Yorkies for comparison, or a small plaque that just says:
“It was never the same after they took the raisins out.”
Exhibit 402: Madame Poo Swords – The Infamous Wax Model Museum (But Made of Poo)
“A vision that never should’ve happened, and yet… did.”
🪆 Overview:
Founded in error during a flat-pack mix-up in 1991, Madame Poo Swords set out to rival Madame Tussauds with a bold twist: all figures were to be sculpted from “organic, sustainable, and unfortunately scented” materials.
After 7 weeks of public complaints, biohazard warnings, and an incident involving a melted Keanu Reeves in July, the museum was shut down.
Only one figure remains in the Cobbleditch Museum’s sealed containment chamber:
🧼🕯️ Pierce Brosnan (Brown Edition)
Expression: Concerned.
Pose: Casual tuxedo lean, finger guns.
Scent: Desperation and digestive regret.
Integrity: Holding firm, thanks to a cold room and four layers of varnish.
Beside him stands the original mop used to shape his hair, labelled:
“Never clean enough again.”
🎟️ Entry Details:
Accessed via a side corridor called “The Room of Regrettable Materials.”
Visitors must wear nose clips and optimism.
A button at the door plays Pierce saying “Bond… James B—oh god what’s that smell?”
Shall we add a gift shop that sells scratch-and-sniff bookmarks or a half-sculpted Whoopi Goldberg figure being eaten by mould?
🖐️ Exhibit 266: “Understanding Shirley Bassey’s Hand Movements”
A fully laminated instructional poster, once hung backstage at the Cobbleditch Civic Cabaret Club (now a candle shop).
🎤 SHIRLEY BASSEY: A GUIDE TO HAND SIGNALS
Subtitled: “When the gloves come off, the drama begins.”
1. The Slow Sweep (Right to Left)
➤ Meaning: “I’m about to belt a note so hard it might shift your furniture.”
Extra context: Often followed by a hair toss and minor glitter eruption.
2. The Double Palm Rise
➤ Meaning: “This is the key change and I will be ascending spiritually.”
Optional add-on: One foot may lift. Audience should gasp.
3. The Microphone Clutch with Pinky Raise
➤ Meaning: “This lyric matters. Pay attention or leave.”
Fun fact: Known to cause 12 divorces during a 1987 performance of ‘I Who Have Nothing’.
4. The Extended Pointer Wag
➤ Meaning: “This part is about a man who made poor choices. You know who you are.”
Side effect: Crowd always cheers, whether guilty or not.
5. The Dramatic Wrist Flick to the Heavens
➤ Meaning: “We are entering the final chorus. Brace for impact.”
Audience cue: Stand. Cry. Possibly combust.
🪩 Bottom Section Reads:
“Never ignore a Bassey gesture. It’s how she defeated a cursed accordion in 1975.”
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