Banned Objects & Vaults
Beneath Cobbleditch lies the Vault — a sealed chamber said to contain objects too troublesome, noisy, or existentially awkward to leave above ground. Access is tightly restricted. The Parish Council refuses to admit it exists, while simultaneously allocating an annual “Vault Maintenance Budget.”
Rumoured Contents
The Singing Stapler – Performs only in falsetto. Refuses to fasten anything unless it’s in C minor.
Tuesday in a Jar – A perfectly preserved Tuesday, forever repeating inside cloudy glass. No one knows which Tuesday it is, and nobody’s brave enough to check.
The Cursed Deckchair – Collapses only when someone uses the phrase “bit of a sit down.” Has claimed three picnics.
A Jenga Set That Screams – Every block removed produces a unique shriek. The tower has never been completed.
Barry Sod’s First Clipboard – Still warm, still humming faintly. Rumoured to write its own complaints.
A Bag of Liquorice Allsorts Sorted by the Monk – Untouched since 1985. The coconut wheels cry at night.
The Cobbleditch Vault
A subterranean chamber where objects too unstable, cursed, or noisy are locked away. Access prohibited. Memory void guaranteed.
Current Inventory (selected list)
The Singing Stapler (falsetto only)
Tuesday in a Jar
The Cursed Deckchair
A Jenga Set That Screams
Barry Sod’s First Clipboard
Bag of Liquorice Allsorts Sorted by the Monk
A VHS of Neighbours (final episode, but all the faces blurred)
Madonna’s Cone Bra (spikes retract unpredictably)
A Furby that speaks fluent Latin
The Tamagotchi of Eternal Hunger (never satisfied)
A broken lava lamp that whispers stock tips
Inflatable chair filled with something red and moving
Millennium Bug, still in a Tupperware
Mobile phone that only receives messages from 2003
A Spice Girls Pepsi can that won’t stop fizzing
Cabbage Patch Doll with real human teeth
Glow-in-the-dark yo-yo that returns before it’s thrown
Nintendo Power Glove (possesses wearer’s hand)
A Beanie Baby that bleeds if hugged
VHS rewind machine that rewinds time, slightly wrong
A Whoopee Cushion that screams instead of farting
CD of Now That’s What I Call Silence, Vol. 1
Deck of Pokémon cards that duel themselves
Laserdisc of Titanic where the iceberg wins
Troll doll whose hair grows over doors overnight
Teletubby sun baby portrait (eyes follow you)
Hungry Hippos board that bites back
The missing sixth finger from The Simpsons opening
A lava lamp full of custard that never cools
Big Trak robot that only drives toward funerals
Umbrella that rains indoors
Cursed VHS of Gladiators where Wolf always wins
Pogs that scream if stacked over seven high
Postman Pat van, but it delivers threats
VHS copy of Blockbusters with Bob Holness chanting backwards
Rubik’s Cube that solves you
Troll doll keyring whispering spoilers to future films
Betamax tape of a wedding that hasn’t happened yet
Artificial leg labelled “Property of Noel Edmonds”
A Slinky that climbs up stairs
Old iPod loaded with 4,000 versions of Mambo No. 5
A Speak & Spell that only swears
A deck of Uno cards that physically slap you when skipped
Simon Says console that predicts your death date
Walkman with tape permanently stuck on Agadoo
Scalextric car that won’t stop racing (no track)
Garfield phone that breathes
Tampon dispenser humming The X-Files theme
Pair of Crocs that shriek when worn indoors
A mirror that shows your reflection as Pat Sharp
No comments:
Post a Comment