🧀 Mr Cheese & 🧅 Mr Onion
Founders of Cobbleditch and the Cheese and Onion Zoo
Accidental wizards. Permanent fixtures. Mild menaces.They are not legends in the traditional sense.
They are more like unavoidable facts.You can argue with them.
You cannot remove them.🧲 How They Met
They met at a magic school by mistake, which is the only way either of them ever met anyone important.
Mr Cheese believed he was enrolling in a cheese appreciation society. The flyer had promised tastings, discussion, and a possible trip to Wensleydale. He arrived carrying crackers and a notebook labelled “Notes on Brie.”
Mr Onion was there because the same flyer mentioned “heritage varieties” and he assumed this referred to vegetables with lineage.
Neither noticed the wand racks at the door.
They were discovered during the first lesson when both attempted to clap politely and instead turned the tutor into a toilet seat. A sturdy one. Porcelain. With a lid.
They were removed from the main class and placed in a side room “until further notice.”
They never left that room.They bonded quickly over shared confusion, explosive spell styles, and very strong opinions on soup temperature. By lunchtime they had agreed that magic was clearly something that happened to them, not by them, and that this was probably fine.
🎓 Education
They technically studied at The College of Arkane Accidentals, an institution known for accepting students who arrived through walls.
They were expelled several times.
They were always re-admitted.Sometimes this was due to clerical errors.
Sometimes because Mr Cheese bribed the registrar with pie.
Once because Mr Onion replaced the dean’s shoes with ducks and then fixed it before anyone noticed.Mr Cheese specialised in transformation spells, though his transformations skewed heavily toward food. Tables became cheese boards. Books became sandwiches. Once, briefly, a man became fondue.
Mr Onion chose misdirection and transportation magic, despite never arriving where he meant to. During exams he routinely appeared in cupboards, rivers, or the wrong decade.
Their final exams were never completed.
Instead, the building caught fire.
They were asked to leave politely and quickly.👪 Family Background
Mr Cheese
Born in a dairy near Droitwich.
Raised by an aunt who believed, with great sincerity, that he was a wheel of brie until he began speaking in full sentences. Even then she had doubts.
No known siblings.
Several cheese wheels in his cellar respond to “brother,” “uncle,” and once, confusingly, “Dave.”Family gatherings are quiet but aromatic.
Mr Onion
Born in Weymouth, in a chip shop under a bridge.
Possibly the seventh son of a seventh onion. Records are unclear. The onion refuses to comment.
His family includes six sentient root vegetables and a parsnip that once stood for Prime Minister. The parsnip did not win, but insists the campaign was rigged.
He wears a monocle passed down from his grandmother, who claimed she invented stairs and remains furious that nobody credits her.
🔮 Becoming Wizards
Neither passed their full exams.
They declared themselves wizards after causing a minor weather event during a picnic. Witnesses described it as “hail, but personal.”
They purchased official-looking certificates online. Laminated. With gold stars.
Their first wand was a breadstick, chewed at both ends and held together with hope.
They were later granted honorary wizard titles after transforming a library into a goose.
Then mostly back.The goose still visits.
🧓 How Old Are They?
They are unaging due to a spell cast one night after too much badger wine at college.
They cannot remember the words.
They cannot undo it.They still celebrate birthdays.
Mainly as an excuse for cake.
And hats.🏞️ Founding Cobbleditch
They discovered the land while chasing a hedgehog in a go-kart.
They were in the go-kart.
Not the hedgehog.
This time.The land was unclaimed, invisible, and slightly cursed. No one else wanted it due to the famous 1842 incident known locally as “The Day It Rained Poo.” Details are deliberately vague.
Mr Onion named it Cobbleditch after falling into a ditch full of cobblers. Mr Cheese agreed this was as good a reason as any.
They built the zoo first, mainly to contain the magical creatures they kept accidentally creating. The town came later, as people, objects, and ideas began arriving by spell, mistake, or curiosity and never left again.
🏠 Where They Live
They each have rooms above the zoo for convenience, emergencies, and naps that turn into weeks.
They also own neighbouring houses on the back skirts of Cobbleditch. Both houses are large, odd, and unfinished in a way that feels intentional.
They collect rare books and magical artefacts from their travels.
Mr Onion owns a magically expanded 1960 Otten Zwerver trailer that is bigger inside, smaller outside, and deeply judgemental.
Mr Cheese owns a loaf-shaped caravan parked near the zoo café. It is warm. It smells faintly of toast. No one questions it.
🛠️ What They Do Now
They help run the zoo most days.
They keep spells topped up, creatures fed, and reality loosely secured. They wander the town offering help, advice, and occasional chaos.
They are mostly harmless.
They are never subtle.🤝 Are They Still Friends?
Absolutely.
They argue constantly. They disagree often. They correct each other in public and defend each other fiercely in private.
They are brothers from another banana.
Neither would function alone.
Neither would admit it.💥 Biggest Disagreement
In 1979, they fell out over mulligatawny soup.
The feud lasted years.
Sides were taken.
Words were said.They now agree to never eat it again and never bring it up.
It is the forbidden soup.
🧪 Early Magical Blunders
They turned a library into a goose. Accidentally educational.
They transformed a local pond into a Coca-Cola sea. Sticky. Popular briefly. Then tragic.
They created a Jaffa Cake the size of the moon. It remains in orbit. Still delicious. Occasionally nibbled by astronauts who refuse to discuss it.
💬 Mottos & Philosophies
“If it quacks, we’re keeping it.”
“All accidents are welcome, as long as they apologise.”
They love what they do.
They love people.
They care deeply about their friends, creatures, and the town they built, even when they pretend not to.🧑🤝🧑 Public Opinion
Most villagers love them.
Some think they’re pompous or daft, which is fair. They are both. But they are also kind, generous, and reliably there when things go wrong.
Children collect Cheese and Onion trading cards and action figures. Adults pretend not to.
They were once jointly voted “Most Likely to Accidentally Create a New Planet” in the annual village survey.
They came second the following year.
They still argue about why.
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