📼 VHS SECTION (First 50 Films)
Cats (2019)
Digital fur, human faces, and a nation quietly questioning cinema.
The Emoji Movie (2017)
A feature-length advert that escaped its containment unit.
Gigli (2003)
Romantic comedy that ended two careers and several friendships.
Jack and Jill (2011)
Adam Sandler proves two of him is one too many.
Movie 43 (2013)
An anthology of ideas no one stopped.
Battlefield Earth (2000)
Scientology fan fiction shot entirely from the wrong angle.
Son of the Mask (2005)
Proof that some things should not have children.
Howard the Duck (1986)
A duck learns about adulthood. We all regret it.
The Love Guru (2008)
A joke stretched until it snapped.
Showgirls (1995)
Mistaken for satire. Was not.
Alone in the Dark (2005)
Alone, confused, and badly lit.
From Justin to Kelly (2003)
American Idol punishment round.
Norbit (2007)
Eddie Murphy argues with himself for two hours.
Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas (2014)
Holiday cheer aggressively enforced.
The Wicker Man (2006)
NOT THE BEES. Still the bees.
Catwoman (2004)
Leather, basketballs, and narrative collapse.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
Babies talk. Everyone else suffers.
Crossover (2006)
Basketball movie that forgets to enjoy basketball.
The Room (2003)
So bad it looped back around to culture.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
The shark follows her personally.
Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002)
Explosions without cause or memory.
Dragonball Evolution (2009)
Anime adaptation that angered the internet permanently.
The Last Airbender (2010)
Bending everything except the plot.
Piranha 3DD (2012)
The title is the joke. The rest is damp.
The Happening (2008)
Trees are angry. Acting is optional.
Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd (2003)
Origin story no one asked for.
Thumb Wars (1999)
Star Wars, but with fingers and regret.
Cool World (1992)
Animation and reality collide and both lose.
Kazaam (1996)
A rapping genie emerges from a boombox. That’s it.
The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)
An assault on the senses.
Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star (2011)
What if cringe were weaponised.
Zoom (2006)
Superheroes retire. So does enthusiasm.
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle (2000)
Charm removed for safety reasons.
Gods of Egypt (2016)
Everyone white. Everyone shiny. Nobody Egyptian.
Pixels (2015)
Video games attack Earth. Comedy does not.
Eragon (2006)
Fantasy without the magic of coherence.
Speed 2: Cruise Control (1997)
A slow boat. Very slow.
Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
The gold standard of lovable disaster.
Glitter (2001)
A musical biopic allergic to music.
Spice World (1997)
Plot optional. Platform boots mandatory.
Bratz: The Movie (2007)
Plastic energy, human suffering.
Cinderella II: Dreams Come True (2002)
Dreams… eventually.
Teen Wolf Too (1987)
Even the wolf looks tired.
Inspector Gadget (1999)
Gadgets present. Joy missing.
House of the Dead (2003)
Based on a game. Played like a punishment.
The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas (2000)
Prehistoric sequel no one requested.
Highlander II: The Quickening (1991)
There should have been only one.
Masters of the Universe (1987)
Skeletor survives. The budget does not.
Double Dragon (1994)
Arcade logic, feature length.
Mac and Me (1988)
ET knockoff sponsored by McDonald’s.
🎞️ BETAMAX SECTION (Next 50 Films)
The Hottie and the Nottie (2008)
Cruelty disguised as romance.
Zardoz (1974)
Sean Connery in a red nappy explains society.
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
Eddie Murphy again. Space this time.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
Time travel regrets.
Yogi Bear (2010)
Picnic baskets die here.
Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017)
By this point, it’s contractual.
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over (2003)
Early CGI crimes.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1995)
Everyone involved pretends it didn’t happen.
Troll 2 (1990)
Nilbog. No trolls. All chaos.
Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties (2006)
Lasagna fatigue.
Epic Movie (2007)
Parody without punchlines.
Meet the Spartans (2008)
300 jokes. None land.
Dirty Love (2005)
Romantic comedy that hates everyone.
Balloon Farm (1999)
A film that exists quietly.
Delgo (2008)
Animated ambition, tragic execution.
Foodfight! (2012)
Corporate mascots fight. You lose.
Nine Lives (2016)
Kevin Spacey becomes a cat. Don’t ask.
Left Behind (2014)
Rapture with budget issues.
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997)
Everyone yells their move names.
Fat Slags (2004)
A crime scene pretending to be comedy.
North (1994)
A child sues his parents. The audience too.
Basic Instinct 2 (2006)
What if we made it boring.
Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)
Hands down, unforgettable.
Jem and the Holograms (2015)
Not about Jem. Not about holograms.
The Cobbler (2014)
Adam Sandler becomes other people’s shoes.
The Master of Disguise (2002)
Turtle club. Eternal damage.
The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012)
Children flee. Adults cry.
Bloodrayne (2005)
Uwe Boll does it again.
Left Behind II: Tribulation Force (2002)
Still left. Still behind.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Seasonal confusion.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2011)
Fire skull, empty soul.
Popeye (1980)
Robert Altman experiments on us.
Gnomeo & Juliet (2011)
Shakespeare cries somewhere.
Vampires Suck (2010)
Parody reaches rock bottom.
Boys in Trees (2016)
Tries very hard. Tries too hard.
Kickboxer: Vengeance (2016)
Revenge sequel energy.
Caveman (1981)
Grunting as narrative.
Haunted House of Horror (1969)
Title oversells it.
Shark Tale (2004)
Fish mob movie nobody asked for.
Cool as Ice (1991)
Vanilla Ice arrives. Cinema leaves.
Love on a Leash (2011)
A dog turns into a man. Yes.
A Talking Cat!? (2013)
The punctuation is accurate.
The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)
Wookiee Christmas trauma.
Battlefield Earth (again, accidentally)
No one learns.
Surf Ninjas (1993)
Surfing. Ninjas. Neither convincingly.
The Country Bears (2002)
Taxidermy energy.
Ultraviolet (2006)
Purple leather apocalypse.
Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015)
Still shaking. Still nothing.
Gnome Alone (2017)
Home Alone, but worse.
Baby Geniuses (1999)
Babies talk again. Please stop.
💿 Top 10 LaserDiscs in the Vault of Films That Should Never Have Been Made
Waterworld (1995)
$175 million spent. Most of it on damp.
The Postman (1997)
Three hours of Kevin Costner delivering metaphors and post.
Grease 2 (1982)
Every song worse than the last. LaserDisc sings along out of tune.
Heaven’s Gate (1980)
Bankrupted United Artists. You’ll feel poor just watching.
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
Hoskins. Leguizamo. Dinosaurs. Plumbers. Pain.
Wild Wild West (1999)
Mechanical spiders and misplaced cowboy energy.
The Apple (1980)
Sci-fi disco musical made by people who feared music.
Battlefield Earth (duplicate copy, LaserDisc edition)
In case someone tries to say, “It wasn’t that bad.”
Xanadu (1980)
Olivia Newton-John roller skates into madness. Patrick Swayze would not approve.
Cool as Ice (1991)
Vanilla Ice’s film debut. The LaserDisc demands an apology every time it’s handled.
Waterworld (1995)
$175 million spent. Most of it on damp.
The Postman (1997)
Three hours of Kevin Costner delivering metaphors and post.
Grease 2 (1982)
Every song worse than the last. LaserDisc sings along out of tune.
Heaven’s Gate (1980)
Bankrupted United Artists. You’ll feel poor just watching.
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
Hoskins. Leguizamo. Dinosaurs. Plumbers. Pain.
Wild Wild West (1999)
Mechanical spiders and misplaced cowboy energy.
The Apple (1980)
Sci-fi disco musical made by people who feared music.
Battlefield Earth (duplicate copy, LaserDisc edition)
In case someone tries to say, “It wasn’t that bad.”
Xanadu (1980)
Olivia Newton-John roller skates into madness. Patrick Swayze would not approve.
Cool as Ice (1991)
Vanilla Ice’s film debut. The LaserDisc demands an apology every time it’s handled.
💿 LaserDisc Selection (Special Category – 10 Films)
Widescreen failure, glinting with misplaced ambition.
Waterworld (1995)
Two hours of Kevin Costner drinking his own filtered wee… in HD.
The Postman (1997)
Costner again, now with letters. Four hours long. No one finished it.
Grease 2 (1982)
Just the title makes staff twitch.
Heaven’s Gate (1980)
Bankrupted a studio. Now breaks the LaserDisc player.
Dune (1984)
Everyone mumbles. Sand everywhere. The LaserDisc is half spice.
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
Bob Hoskins still won’t talk about it. The disc glows faintly red.
Hudson Hawk (1991)
Bruce Willis sings. So does the pain.
Wild Wild West (1999)
Giant spider. Mechanical legs. Will Smith. Disc hisses when touched.
Battle Beyond the Stars (1980)
Cheap sci-fi with spaceship boobs. LaserDisc art is unsettling.
Xanadu (1980)
Roller-skating, neon, and Olivia Newton-John. Cursed in stereo.
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