1. The Staring Goat
Range: Unlimited eye contact
Calibre: Passive-aggressive glare
Notes: Once forced a local councillor to confess to eating six Bakewells.
2. The Reversible Ostrich
Range: Both directions at once
Calibre: 2 heads, 1 body, endless suspicion
Notes: One head eats, the other judges.
3. The Crocodile with Wheels
Range: Downhill only
Calibre: Bite / Roll hybrid
Notes: Last seen at the 229 bus stop.
4. The Lemon Penguin
Range: 6 metres if squeezed
Calibre: Citrus spray
Notes: Do not mix with paper cuts.
5. The Melancholy Walrus
Range: 50-yard sigh
Calibre: Existential dread
Notes: Its sadness corrodes railings.
6. The Disco Badger
Range: Strobe zone radius, 12 feet
Calibre: Glitter eruption
Notes: Only active during Kajagoogoo.
7. The Accordion Snake
Range: 8 musical notes
Calibre: Compression hiss
Notes: National anthem now unplayable.
8. The Suspicious Pony
Range: Narrow bridleway only
Calibre: Raised eyebrow / sudden kick
Notes: Refuses carrots from strangers.
9. The Titanium Parrot
Range: Pierces car roofs at 30 yards
Calibre: Beak of steel
Notes: Repeats conversations you haven’t had yet.
10. The Vending Machine Bear
Range: 20 KitKats per minute
Calibre: Chocolate dispensing claws
Notes: Coins jammed since 1997.
11. The Monocle Duck
Range: 12 dignified waddles
Calibre: Polite quack / sudden slap
Notes: Steals bread with a bow.
12. The Inflatable Giraffe
Range: Wind-dependent
Calibre: Pop at 200 decibels
Notes: Deflates in thunderstorms.
13. The Velcro Leopard
Range: Sticks to fences and small children
Calibre: Rip-tear sound effect
Notes: Requires constant peeling.
14. The Psychic Tortoise
Range: 3 hours in advance
Calibre: Predictive shell bumps
Notes: Mostly wrong about football.
15. The Albino Shark on Stilts
Range: Poolside only
Calibre: Bite from above
Notes: Lost a stilt in 1984, still hopping.
16. The Clockwork Flamingo
Range: 40 turns per key wind
Calibre: Tick-step peck
Notes: Prone to marching into the Spoon Library ruins.
17. The Custard Kangaroo
Range: Splatter radius 5m
Calibre: Warm vanilla payload
Notes: Joey pouch described as “upsetting.”
18. The Whispering Hyena
Range: Right behind your ear
Calibre: Creepy giggle
Notes: Knows your PIN number.
19. The Camouflage Slug
Range: Invisible unless trodden on
Calibre: Slime trail of confusion
Notes: Believed to be 40 of them, but only one has been seen.
20. The Exploding Peacock
Range: Feathers detonate at dusk
Calibre: Firework-style tailburst
Notes: Local weddings ruined since 1976.
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